Miller Intimate Relationships, 6/e Chapter 8 Love Copyright (c) 2012 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. McGraw-Hill/Irwin

8-2 A Brief History of Love Different cultures have held very different views of love: Cultural value: Is love desirable or undesirable? Sexuality: Should love be sexual or nonsexual? Sexual orientation: Should love involve same-sex or heterosexual partners? Marital status: Should we love our spouses, or is love reserved for others?

8-3 A Brief History of Love Only recently have (some) cultures come to believe that love and marriage go together. Today, the belief that romantic love is a reason to marry is commonplace in North America… …but it is still held in only some regions of the world.

8-4 Types of Love The Triangular Theory of Love Three different building blocks are presumed to combine to form different types of love: Intimacy – feelings of warmth, understanding, communication, support, and sharing Passion – emotional arousal and sexual desire Commitment – the decision to stay in a relationship and to work to maintain it

8-5 Types of Love The Triangular Theory of Love Different mixtures of these components create different experiences: –Nonlove – intimacy, passion, and commitment are all absent. –Liking – high intimacy, but little passion or commitment. –Infatuation – just passion. –Empty love – commitment without intimacy or passion.

8-6 Types of Love The Triangular Theory of Love Things get more even interesting when two or more components are combined: –Romantic love – a combination of intimacy and passion. –Companionate love – high intimacy and commitment, but little passion. –Fatuous love -- passion and commitment in the absence of intimacy. –Consummate love – intimacy, passion, and commitment are all present to a substantial degree. Evidently, various meanings may underlie the expression, “I love you.”

8-7 Types of Love Romantic, Passionate Love Romantic love involves passion… …and any form of strong arousal, pleasant or unpleasant, can influence our feelings of romantic love.

8-8 Types of Love Romantic, Passionate Love (a) swaying on a spooky suspension bridge; (b) running in place for two minutes; (c)watching a disgusting movie; or (d) listening to a stand-up comedian all increase men’s attraction to physically attractive women who happen to be nearby.

8-9 Types of Love Romantic, Passionate Love Adrenaline fuels romantic love. Various events that excite us may increase our love for our partners.

8-10 Types of Love Romantic, Passionate Love Indeed, a two-factor theory of romantic love proposes that such love results from: (a)physiological arousal, paired with (b)the belief that another person is the cause of your arousal.

8-11 Types of Love Romantic, Passionate Love Some of the thoughts that underlie romantic love are apparent in Rubin’s (1973) Love Scale that assesses: –Intimacy: “I feel that I can confide in my partner about virtually anything.” –Dependence: “If I could never be with my partner, I would be miserable.” –Caring: “I would do almost anything for my partner.”

8-12 Types of Love Romantic, Passionate Love Romantic love is evidently a multifaceted experience that involves both giving and taking.

8-13 Types of Love Romantic, Passionate Love In addition, “love is blind.” When people feel romantic attraction to others, they tend to underestimate or ignore those others’ faults.

8-14 Types of Love Love is blind: When men expected to date a woman, they thought her lousy work was better than it really was.

8-15 Types of Love Companionate Love As a combination of intimacy and commitment, companionate love is a comfortable, affectionate, trusting love based on friendship and companionship.

8-16 Types of Love Companionate Love After they have been married for many years, happy couples tend to say: “My spouse is my best friend,” and “I like my spouse as a person.” Long-lasting, satisfying marriages evidently include a lot of companionate love.

8-17 Types of Love Thus, there appear to be two major types of love that occur frequently in American marriages: –a love that’s full of passion that leads a couple to marry, and –a love thats full of friendship that underlies marriages that last.

8-18 Types of Love Styles of Loving Another scheme (Lee, 1988) identifies another 6 types of love experiences: Eros – erotic love with a strong physical component Ludus – playful and uncommitted; love is a game Storge – love that emphasizes friendship and commitment Mania – possessive, obsessive love that is full of fantasy Agape – altruistic, selfless, dutiful love Pragma – practical and pragmatic, dispassionate love

8-19 Types of Love Styles of Loving Men score higher on ludus than women do, and women are more storgic and pragmatic than men. These love styles allow researchers to fine-tune their analyses of the diverse experiences people have with love.

8-20 Individual and Cultural Differences in Love Culture Love is much the same around the world, but cultural nuances exist.

8-21 Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles Early studies demonstrated that people with secure attachment styles experience more intimacy, passion, and commitment than people with insecure or avoidant styles do.

8-22 Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles Which of these paragraphs best describe you? “It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.” “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”

8-23 Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles “I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.” “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or to have others depend on me.”

8-24 Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles Two themes are now thought to underlie the four styles: Anxiety over abandonment – describing the worry that others will find us unworthy and leave us, and Avoidance of intimacy – describing the ease and trust with which we accept interdependent intimacy with others

8-25 Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles These themes influence important elements of interaction: Intimacy Passion Commitment Caring and Caregiving A secure style is positively related to all four of these building blocks. Secure people experience more intense romantic, companionate, and compassionate love than insecure people do.

8-26 Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles Importantly, the quality of our attachments can vary from partner to partner. We may be fairly secure in some of our relationships, but relatively insecure in others.

8-27 Individual Differences in Love Age Most people mellow with age. Emotions are less intense, and generally more positive. The burning, urgent, intense emotions that lead young people to marry seem to dwindle with time, being replaced by a more genial outlook on love.

8-28 Individual Differences in Love Men and Women Men and women are more similar than different when it comes to love. However, men are more likely to believe in “love at first sight,” and they want their loves to be passionate. Women are more cautious and selective, and they feel passion more slowly.

8-29 Does Love Last? No. Romantic love decreases after people marry.

8-30 Does Love Last? After two years of marriage, average spouses express affection for each other only half as often as they did when they were newlyweds. Divorces occur more frequently in the fourth year of marriage than at any other time.

8-31 Does Love Last? Why Doesn’t Romantic Love Last? Perhaps we should expect romantic love to decline over time. Fantasy enhances romance, but it erodes with time. Novelty adds excitement—and sexual arousal—to new loves, but it fades with familiarity. Arousal fuels romance, but it, too, fades as time goes by.

8-32 Does Love Last? Consider the frequency with which couples share sexual intercourse (which is one measure of passion). Passion clearly fades with time and experience.

8-33 Does Love Last? So, What Does the Future Hold? Often, the love that encourages people to marry is not the love that keeps them together decades later. Companionate love is more stable than romantic love is. So, don’t be disappointed if your urgent desires gradually resolve into more placid but deep affection for your beloved. That happy result is likely to make you a lucky lover.

8-34 For Your Consideration Before David and Catherine met, neither of them had been in love, so they were both excited when their dating relationship gradually developed into a more intimate love affair. Each was the other’s first lover, and they found sex to be both awkward and thrilling, and, within a few weeks, flushed with more romantic feelings than either of them had known, they decided to marry. But David soon became annoyed by Catherine’s apparent desire to know everything about his day. She would call him every morning and afternoon when he was at work, just to “be in touch,” and she would start to fret if he met clients over lunch or was out of the office running errands. For her part, Catherine was troubled by David’s apparent reluctance to tell her what was on his mind. He prided himself on his self-sufficiency and didn’t feel that it was necessary to tell her everything, and he began to feel crowded by her insistent probing. What do you think the future holds for David and Catherine? Why?