Dating Violence Although sexual organs are used in rape, that does not make it sex. As Linda Sanford, author or Women and Self –Esteem says, “If I hit you over the head with a rolling pin, you wouldn’t call it cooking.” --from Sexual Assault on Campus: The P{roblem and the Solution By Carol Bohmer and Andrea Parrot

Dating Violence Dating violence is the use of physical, emotional verbal, and/or sexual force by one person in a relationship to control or dominate another.

Facts Violence in relationships is not just an adult problem. Abuse occurs in more than 25% of teen relationships. Forty percent of teenage girls report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. More than 70% of pregnant or parenting teens are beaten by their boyfriends. Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused continue to date their abusers.

Teenage Power and Control in Relationships Psychological and Emotional Abuse Makes partner feel bad about self Mind games Ignoring Silent treatment Verbal Abuse Name calling Criticizing Public humiliation Put downs Embarrassments Destruction of Personal Property Destroys or damages personal effects (pictures, letters, clothing, gifts). Threats, Anger, Intimidation Looks, actions, expressions that intimidate. Threatens abandonment Threatens physical harm Jealousy, Isolation, Possessiveness. Uses jealousy as a sign of love Controls who partner sees and where he/she goes. Abuse of Male Privelege Makes all the decisions. Goes “out with the boys”, but does not allow her same freedom. Sexual Abuse Unwanted or uncomfortable touching. “Playful” use of force during sex Treats partner like sex object. Does not listen to, “No.” Physical Abuse Any attempt to hurt or scare partner physically - hitting, biting, hair pulling, grabbing, pushing, shoving, tripping, kicking

Show the continuum of violence

Show the cycle of violence.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner Pushes for quick involvement. An abuser pressures the partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. Is jealous, excessively possessive, calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. Checks up on you. Won’t accept breaking up. Is Scary. You worry about your partner’s reactions to things you might say or do.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner… Threatens you, uses or owns weapons. Is violent – has a history of fighting or loses temper quickly. Pressures you for sex, or is forceful or scary around sex (In a male, may treat women or girls as sex objects). Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to use them too. Blames you for the mistreatment you get. Says you provoked the abuse, pressed buttons, or “asked for it.” Is cruel to animals and children. “Playful” use of force during sex. Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will – says he/she finds the idea of rape exciting

You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner… Verbally abuses you – constantly criticizes you or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things, degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. Tries to control you by giving orders and making all the decisions. Doesn’t take your opinion seriously. Has sudden mood swings. Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes. Has a history of past battering. Admits hitting women/men in the past but says they made her/him do it or the situation bought it on. Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you they are worried about your safety.

Your relationships rights Keep in mind that you have the right: To trust yourself and your instincts. To be respected as a person. To change your mind. To express your feelings. To refuse a date. To not be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused. To break up with someone who makes you feel bad.

Signs that your friend might be in trouble When your friend and her boyfriend are together, he calls her names and puts her down in front of others. He acts extremely jealous when she talks to other boys, even when it is completely innocent. She apologizes for his behavior and makes excuses.

Signs that your friend might be in trouble She frequently cancels plans at the last minute for reasons that sound untrue. He is always checking up on her, calling, paging, and demanding to know where she has been and with whom she has been. You have seen him lose his temper, maybe even break things or hit when he is angry. She seems worried about upsetting him or making him mad. She is giving up things that used to be important to her for example, time with friends or other activities and becoming more and more isolated.

Signs that your friend might be in trouble Her weight, appearance or grades have changed – this could be depression. She has injuries that she cannot explain, or the explanations do not make sense.

If you think your friend is in an abusive relationship…. HER DO Listen to what she has to say. Tell her you are there for her is she wants to talk. Let her know you are worried about her. Talk to her in private. Keep what she says confidential. Let her know you are concerned. Be specific. Refer to certain incidents you have witnessed and not to the relationship in general. Let her know what you saw and how it made you feel. Tell her how you see his behavior having an impact on her. “He put you down and he manipulated you and you made excuses for what he did. The way he treated you made me worried about your safety.” Offer to get information for your friend.

If you think your friend is in an abusive relationship…. Her Don’t: Be judgmental. Make her feel ashamed. She probably already feels badly. Give ultimatums – “It’s him or me.” Leave him or I’m telling.”

If you think your friend is in an abusive relationship…. HIM DO: Be specific about what you saw and how it made you feel. “I didn’t like it when you told your girlfriend she was stupid in front of all of us, and I can only imagine how it made her feel.” Take a stand. “I’m not going to sit here as your friend and watch this happen and not say anything about it.” Give him a reality check. His violent actions will have consequences. “This is a crime and you could be arrested.” Urge him to seek help. He can talk to a counselor, coach, clergy, any trusted adult. Offer to get information for your friend.

If you think your friend is in an abusive relationship…. HIM DON’T Make him feel ashamed of himself. You care about your friend and you want his behavior to change.

Where to get help Washington's Violence Against Women Network Created to assist victims of domestic and sexual assault, service providers and allied professionals alike with resources and training, and other information. Sponsored by DSHS and CTED. This site is sponsored by the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence. It lists Domestic Violence Programs in Washington State, by county, that provide help for victims of domestic violence. It also contains the 24-hour statewide hotline number Secretary of State for Washington provides information for victims about address confidentiality. Washington State Medical Association web site has helpful information for victims of abuse