And what to do to fix them!
You should have a very clear thesis in your intro paragraph that tells your reader what the issue is and gives your opinion. Example: “While pressure may help help some students remain focused, extensive pressure on young adults ultimately causes physical and mental issues that cause more harm than good. Note that I am specific enough to let the reader know what I will talk about, but only in a vague way. Thesis—be clear!
I know why you are writing the paper, and I should not be able to tell what your opinion is until the end, so if you have written things like: “In my opinion,” or “I am going to write about,” you must take them out. Using 1 st or 2 nd Person
It is not your job to ask questions, rhetorical or others, so don’t do it in the paper. You may ask a question that will isolate your reader, or you may run the risk of making them doubt what you just said. Asking questions
Statements like “Every controversy has two sides” is obvious, and sometimes completely wrong. Don’t waste your time telling the reader things that they already know. Stating the obvious
Avoid informal diction on your part because it detracts from your personal credibility. If you sound like an average teenager, will an educated person take you seriously? Also, stop inserting numbers in your writing. Unless it is over twenty, or a percentage or year, write it out. Being too informal
Make sure that when you write about each side that I can’t tell how you feel about it. Exmple: Reading an average citizen’s s or listening to their phone calls is a blatant abuse of executive power and an infringement on civil liberties.” Keeping a neutral tone
The biggest issue: Not really using any facts that prove your point!
Just because you did research and found someone who said what you believed doesn’t mean you have a fact. A fact is something that is proven through extensive research—either through scientific means, surveys, multiple reviews, etc. Just because a doctor says it, doesn’t mean it is a fact. Facts vs. Opinions
Using something that a person says is fine in the paper, but only using said thing and not telling us who the person is doesn’t help your point. “John Smith claims that teenagers do poorly on standardized tests.” Great—who is this guy? What are his credentials? Did he just come up with this, or did he poll 1,000,000 students over 20 years? Source Credibility
“A study proves that kids are not violent because they play video games.” Oh, really? And who did this study? What did it entail? Is it recent or outdated? You have to explain the study in order to make it credible. Referencing a Study