CONFLICT

Popular Views of Conflict Conflict is destructive and should be avoided. Conflict is a sign of a poor relationship.

Relational View of Conflict Conflict is inevitable and should be managed in ways that maintain the relationship.

The Definition: the main elements Expressed Struggle Perceived Incompatible Goals Perceived Limited Resources Interference Interdependence

Functional v. Dysfunctional Integration vs. Polarization Cooperation vs. Opposition / Isolation Confirmation vs. Disconfirmation Agreement vs. Coercion De-escalation vs. Escalation Focusing vs. Drifting Foresight vs. Shortsightedness Positive Results vs. Negative Results

The Problem of escalation “Chicken dilemma” FIRST DRIVER Coope- rate Defect SECOND DRIVER Coope- rate Defect oo

Positive v. Negative Results A Game Theory Approach “Prisoner’s dilemma” FIRST PRISONER Does not confess Con- fesses SECOND Prisoner Does not Confess Con- fesses

Positive Versus Negative Results Positive  Reward of successfully facing a challenge.  Leaves partners feeling better about themselves and each other.  Learn more about each other’s needs and how they can be satisfied.  Relationship strengthens.  Safe outlet for feelings of frustration and aggression. Negative  No one gets what they originally wanted.  Today’s victor likely suffers tomorrow at the hands of the original loser.  Dysfunctional conflicts threaten the future of a relationship.  Dissolving a relationship in the face of conflict is hardly a satisfying pattern.

CONFLICT STYLES

Conflict Styles High concern for self High concern for other Indirect Aggression Direct Aggression Nonassertion Indirect Communication ASSERTION

Avoidance (Lose-Lose)  Avoidance: When people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict.  Pessimistic attitude about conflict.  Avoiders put up with the status quo.  Leads to unsatisfying relationships. The Avoider denies the conflict by refusing to face up to it directly TYPICAL BEHAVIOR Pretending there is nothing wrong Refusing to argue Hinting at the conflict but never quite expressing it

Avoidance (Lose-Lose)  Avoidance can help when:  risk of speaking up is too great.  when the conflict isn’t worth the effort.  when the issue is temporary.

Accommodation (Lose-Win)  Accommodation: When we allow others to have their own way rather than asserting our point of view.  Accommodation could enhance the relationship.  Important to examine the role that culture plays.  Low-context cultures view avoidance/accommodation less positively.

Competition (Win-Lose)  Competition: Win-lose approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others.  Ingrained in North American culture.  Bid for control can breed aggression.

Passive Aggression  Passive aggression: When a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner.  “Crazymaking”: Tactics deigned to punish another person without direct confrontation.  Guilt  “Explaining” what wrong with the other person  Nonverbal; loud sigh, pained expression  Offensive sarcasm

Direct Aggression  Direct aggression:  Character attacks, Competence attacks  Physical appearance attacks  Ridicule  Threats  Severe impact on the target  Verbal aggression could have physical impact  Can cause a destructive spiral

Direct Aggression: The Avenger This person attempts to get back at the other person. TYPICAL BEHAVIOR: Storing up resentment and dumping it all on the other person all at once Doing things to upset them Encouraging others to ridicule partner

Compromise (Negotiated Lose-Lose)  Compromise: Gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals.  Approach does not deserve its “positive” image  Costs involved can be great if one person compromises values.  When compromises are satisfying and successful, they are categorized as “collaboration.”

Collaboration (Win-Win)  Collaboration: Win-win solutions to conflict that satisfy all parties involved  High degree of concern for self and others; goal of solving problems in “our way.”  Cooperative problem solving is rare!  Win-win is not always possible or appropriate; time- consuming, some decisions need to be made quickly.

Which Style to Use?  There is no single “best” way to respond to conflicts  Consider  The situation.  The other person.  Your goals.  Conflict is relational: Character is determined by the way the people involved interact.  People develop a relational conflict style: A pattern of managing disagreements that repeats itself over time.

Collaborative Conflict Management Approach Description Interpretation Feelings Consequences Your intention

Decision to Confront Do you sense a significant problem? Do you want to risk confrontation now?

Description A description of the behavior that prompted your need to confront it. Just the facts, no blame, no name calling…

Interpretation Your interpretation of the situation with the understanding that it could be subjective

Feelings The feelings that result from your interpretation I am saddened…

Consequences The consequences of the situation as you see it I cannot function in this situation…

Your intention An intention statement: What are you planning to do? I intend to leave… What is your position on that?

Negotiating solutions We can try to change others We can try to alter the conditions underlying the conflict We can change our own behavior

Separate the People from the Problem Separate the relationship from the substance. Be hard on the problem, soft on people

Focus on Interests, Not Positions Reconcile interests, not positions Behind opposed positions lie shared and compatible interests, as well as conflicting ones Acknowledge their interests as part of the problem

How do you identify interests? Ask “Why?” (put yourself in their shoes) Ask “Why not?” (think about their choice) Realize that each side has multiple interests.

Invent Options for Mutual Gain Separate inventing from deciding Broaden your options Look for mutual gain

Insist on Using Objective Criteria Fair standards Fair procedures

What if they use dirty tricks? Very common in business / sales negotiations Deliberate deception Misrepresentation about facts, authority, or intentions Phony facts / Ambiguous authority / Dubious intentions Psychological warfare Stressful situation (physical setting), Personal attacks The good-guy/bad-guy routine, Threats Positional pressure tactics Refusal to negotiate, Extreme demands, Escalating demands A calculated delay, “Take it or leave it.”

POWER and INFLUENCE Types of Influence: Rational Persuasion Manipulative Persuasion Inducement Power

Rational Persuasion, Manipulative Persuasion, Inducement Rational Persuasion By using truthful information and cogent reasoning Manipulative Persuasion By omitting, distorting, or falsifying information and/or using fallacious reasoning Inducement By promising rewards

Ultimate POWER Power is the ability of one person to get another person to act in accordance with the first person’s intentions. Although this can be accomplished through other methods, power implies the ability/capacity to enforce one’s wishes on other people

Some people are more powerful than others People are Equal in principle (under the law, in moral terms, etc.) … but different in abilities, strengths, wealth, etc.

The sources of power Knowledge / Intelligence Expertise Social/professional position Friends / Contacts / Community Financial and other resources Credibility (if you were correct several times, you will be believed; in coercion – your threats will be taken seriously)

The “rules” of power Some people are more Machiavellian than others. Power can be increased or decreased. Power Follows the principle of Less Interest (is relative) Power has a cultural dimension – power distance. Power is frequently used unfairly. People who use power unfairly against those who are less powerful, usually accept when the “more powerful” use power unfairly against them… They do not stand up for their rights

Sexual harassment as an example of unfair use of power “Bothering someone in a sexual way” “Unwanted sexual advances” “Request for sexual favors in exchange for a job promotion etc.”

COMMUNICATING POWER Speaking Power Avoid hesitation – uncertainty Avoid too many intensifiers (exaggeration) Avoid disqualifiers – lack of competence. But also truthfulness. Avoid self-critical statements. “I am not very good at…” Avoid slang, vulgar expressions.

COMMUNICATING POWER Nonverbal power Use consistent packaging – do not contradict yourself! (verbal – nonverbal consistency) Maintain eye contact! Avoid vocalized pauses! Avoid speaking too much and too fast.

Empowering others Helping others to gain increased power Share decision making. Be willing to relinquish control and allow the other person the freedom to make decisions. Be constructively critical Encourage growth. Be supportive, open, etc.