LOVE AND LOGIC A parenting technique for raising independent, responsible children. 1

DOES THIS HAPPEN TO YOU?  Recently Griffin got his report card. On it the teacher noted that he had been having trouble getting his work done in class, using his time wisely, and bringing his papers back to school in a timely manner.  Sawyer has been demanding that I do things when he wants me to. He screams mom repeatedly until I do what he wants.  Nora loves to throw her food and sippy cup on the floor over and over again and feed her food to the dog. 2

WHAT IS LOVE AND LOGIC?  An approach to raising kids that provides loving support from parents while at the same time expecting kids to be respectful and responsible.  Self-confidence is achieved through struggle and achievement, not through someone telling you that you are the best.  Self-confidence is not developed when kids are robbed of the opportunity to discover that they can indeed solve their own problems with caring adult guidance.  Responsibility is a skill that is learned with practice.  Mistakes are learning opportunities for children. 3

WHAT IS LOVE AND LOGIC?  Hold kids accountable for their actions by locking in our empathy, love, and understanding prior to telling kids what the consequences of their actions will be.  This Love and Logic method causes the child to see their parent as the "good guy" and the child's poor decision as the "bad guy.“  Parents who learn how to use these techniques completely change, for the better, their relationships with kids and take control of the home in loving ways. 4

WILL IT WORK?  We all have seen examples of horrible parenting and yet kids who turn out great. Or great parents who have children that teachers fear.  Love and Logic can’t guarantee that your child will turn out perfectly. No method can.  Children have free will. They make choices that sometimes make no sense just because they want to exert their free will. All we can do is love them unconditionally, make sure that their choices have consequences, and hope that they will learn from their choices. 5

SELF CONCEPT (SELF ESTEEM)  I am loved unconditionally (regardless of accomplishment).  How can we show this?  Examples of what not to do?  I have the skills I need.  How can we foster this?  Examples of what not to do?  I have control in my life.  How can we foster this?  Examples of what not to do? 6

GIVING CHOICES  How do I give my child choices so they feel that they are in control of their life? How do I give them choices so they feel that they are competent to make decisions themselves? How do I give them choices and still make them do what I want them to do???  Give choices where you will be happy with whatever choice the child makes. Remember to make them enforceable!  Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch or ham and cheese?  Would you like to sit at the table politely for dinner or would you like to sit in your room?  Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?  More examples?  If they don’t pick a choice after 10 seconds, you pick one for them. 7

FIRST RULE OF LOVE AND LOGIC  Set firm loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or threatening.  What is an enforceable statement? A statement of limits that you can actually enforce!  Kids who are polite get dessert.  Unenforceable statements are giving orders you can’t actually make them do.  Stop sassing back! 8

ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS  Can you make these unenforceable statements into enforceable ones?  Stop spitting your food!  Pick up your toys!  Be quiet!  If you don’t knock it off I’m going to leave you here alone!  Hurry up!  Put your coat on! 9

SECOND RULE OF LOVE AND LOGIC  When a child has a problem, the parent shows empathy and compassion and lovingly hands the problem back to the child.  Show empathy before delivering a consequence.  Replace punishment with logical consequences.  Hand the child the problem for them to resolve.  Examples:  I’m sorry you missed the bus. What are you going to do about that?  You want a (fill in the blank) toy? Do you have money for that? Me neither. That is a bummer. Do you have any ideas on how you could earn some money or do you just want to forget about the toy? 10

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES  A logical consequence is one that correlates to the behavior that the child exhibits. These consequences are the strongest learning tools that we have for our children.  These consequences are like cause and effect. They make sense to our children so it helps to reinforce the behavior that you do want.  Consequences are locked in with empathy. This keeps the child from thinking that mom and dad are just mean. Mom and dad love them, but everyone has to follow the rule. The only one to blame is the child. 11

EARLY CONSEQUENCES (3 YEARS AND UNDER)  You can start as early as 9 months.  Respond with empathy. “Uh oh” “Bummer” “How sad”  Change the child’s location or remove the offending item  No yelling, lecturing, or reminding. Let your actions speak.  Baby throws their sippy cup on the floor.  “Sippy cups stay on the table”  Child throws the sippy back on the floor  “How sad, all done sippy cup”  Parent puts the sippy away 12

WHAT MOTIVATES YOUR CHILD?  Think of some of your child’s favorite things. These are great as consequences.  “Wow, it’s a bummer you took so long getting ready for bed. I guess we won’t have time to read a book tonight. Maybe we can try again tomorrow night.”  “Kids who speak in a nice voice get treats.”  “I’m sorry to tell you I had to put your bike away. Only kids who are trustworthy can use their bikes.”  “Kids who are polite and follow directions get to go with dad to run errands. Maybe you can go with next time.”  Remember consequences are learning tools. You need to follow through to make the lesson become locked in. No threats or lectures either! 13

EXAMPLES  Write down an example or two of situations that parents of preschoolers might have a hard time dealing with. 14

THE ONLY BEHAVIOR  You can control is your own. What makes us human is that we can make our own decisions.  What does this mean for us?  Our children WILL make mistakes. Hopefully lots of them. 15

WHY DO I WANT OUR CHILDREN TO MAKE MISTAKES?  Mistakes are wonderful learning tools.  It is important that kids can make mistakes when the stakes are low when they are young. Wouldn’t you rather they learn about consequences by making mistakes like losing their toys or having to be done with dinner early rather than when they are older and the stakes are higher? 16

HOW DO WE ENSURE THAT OUR CHILDREN MAKE MISTAKES?  Set them up for responsibility.  Let them do things for themselves.  If they do it right, great! What self confidence they can have for themselves! “I noticed you did that all by yourself.”  If they do it wrong, okay. What a wonderful lesson they can learn. “How might you do that better the next time?” Or “How can you solve this problem?”  Some people say you need to pick your battles. It might be better to think of it as picking your learning opportunities for the day! 17

WHAT DO OUR BEHAVIORS TELL OUR CHILDREN?  If you constantly do things for your children what does that tell them?  Clearly they are not competent to do it themselves. Why bother.  How about if we let them solve their own problems? Does that imply that we trust them, that we think they are smart enough to handle it?  If you are constantly commenting about your weight what do you think they learn from you?  If we spank, what does that tell them about hitting? Is it okay sometimes but not others?  If we swear, or don’t use polite language what does that tell them?  How about if we smoke? Or eat junk food?  Modeling the behavior that we want to see in our kids is the way to go! 18

RESOURCES  Books:  Parenting with Love and Logic, Foster Cline and Jim Fay  Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, Jim Fay and Charles Fay  Internet:    Sign up with Love and Logic’s free Insiders Club to get weekly tips. Head to Love and Logic’s website to sign up.  Friend Love and Logic on Face Book to see their weekly discussions and tips. 19