THE COMMUNICATION MAP

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC The Map

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Immediate impact Learn it USE it Effective Independent The Criteria

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Functioning First History Avoidance Resentment

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Give People Structure Challenges: Issues Problems Feelings Reasons Motivations History Opportunity? Enhancing

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Easy to Learn Easy to Use Universal Application Universal Qualities

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC The Map

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Before You Start Challenges: The Issue? When? Where?

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Issues = Unmet needs ALL issues are valid Needer ‘Owns’ the Issue Rules of the Road

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC No Issue is Universal Some are unshared Don’t indict “Came home late without calling” Ownership = Empowerment Get past “Right” and “Wrong” Needs and Issues Give Sender Ownership For the Sender: For the Receiver:

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC One issue at a time Take turns Speak with moderation Listen with curiosity Win ‑ Win, not War-War Structure is EVERYTHING Nurture the ‘space between’ Focus and Dialogue

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Attitude Curiosity Empathy Compassion Coach Receiver Qualities

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC The Background Home from work two hours late Didn’t call beforehand Dinner Spoiled Waiting partner upset and been worried

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Round One "Where have you BEEN?” “I've been so WORRIED” ”DINNER'S COLD - AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT." “You are late, and you didn't call, and I'm REALLY upset.” ”You know what? You are just a jerk, and you're inconsiderate, and I can't believe you didn't call me”. ”You ALWAYS call. Why didn't you call THIS time?”

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC The Wall Judgement Interpretation Defensiveness Reactive emotion.

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Mad Primary Emotions Sad Glad Fear Shame

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC "Oh, OK. I'm in judgment right now” Disconnected “Right now, I'm wrapped up in my interpretation of why you're doing this” “Right now, I'm feeling defensive” "I'm in a reactive emotion right now"

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC The Sender Experience Is it clear? Discomfort Thoughts Judgements Back up Identify Communicate

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Talkers and Thinkers If you understand which you are If you know which your partner is You will know what their needs are Opposites attract but challenge

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) Help me Understand Talker needs to talk about it Receiver needs to listen Don’t Pre-judge Find the REAL issue

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Beat the stereotype Don’t assume you KNOW the ‘Issue’ ‘Facts’ vs. ‘Issue’ Build dialogue Seek confirmation Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU)

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Step 4 Late and no call Is my lateness the issue? No, worried and anxious when you didn’t call No, cooked a great meal and it’s spoilt. Is the Call the issue? Sender HAS to communicateReceiver HAS to facilitate

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Make a request Clarity is the first hurdle Validating is the second Mirror or ask Sender Request Issues Unmet Needs Relationship Drivers Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU)

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Ugly Alternatives Complaining Demanding Threatening Coercing Criticizing Entitlement Mind Reading Requesting

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Step 5 What can I do? Non-Prescriptive The result counts The two routes Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU)

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) Negotiation Negotiation isn’t compromise Demand Win/Win Find Third Option If it doesn’t work for both of you it won’t stick "You don't know WHAT you don't know"

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Isues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) Outside the Box Plan Network Patience Stay Open Minded Viability Compassion and Mirror Sorry. Be late How long? Couple hours.

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) Be Positive Never Say “No” Counter-propose Pact Positive Trusting Safe Listening

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) Final Steps Negotiated Solved Follow-through Commitment Promise Intentions Actions Bad agreements break

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Mutuality You won’t know until you give it a go! One you CAN keep One you WANT to keep Go round again Forgiveness Patience Learn Sender Hit Wall (Or Not) Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) Negotiate Request Follow through Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU)

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Practice Perfection doesn’t exist Not a panacea Structure Clarity

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Practice Issue = Sender Identify Communicate Request Receiver = Support Keep it handy! Don’t recycle failure

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Top Five Communication Tips No. 1 - “Is there More?” Don’t ‘pingpong’ Keep Listening Invite Dialogue Spoken Magic

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Top Five Communication Tips No 2: “It’s NOT about You! Their issue is THEIR issue Personal = Defensive Defensive = Negativity

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Top Five Communication Tips No. 3: “It’s ALL about You! The 90/10 Formula Need to clear and separate: Facts Judgments Feelings

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Top Five Communication Tips Facts: You were two hours late You didn’t call Dinner is spoiled Judgements: “You're wrong” “You're bad” “You're inconsiderate” “You're a jerk” “You shouldn't do that” Emotions: Anger Anxiety Fear Abandonment

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Top Five Communication Tips No. 4: Turn complaints into requests. Many needs Impossible to meet all Request respectfully Create the “Win/Win” Avoid the Uglies

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Top Five Communication Tips No. 5: Tell YOUR Truth Thoughts Feelings Needs Wants “In to me I see” Respect and love us for who we are No truth = No connection

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Top Five Communication Tips No. 5: Tell YOUR Truth Conflict Pain Arguments Fear Use the Map Structure Practice Simple – Effective - Practical

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC Create Your Future Together We need to survive before we can thrive. Build on this. Thank you for listening.