Preview/Overview

 I’m already overwhelmed. Why should I spend time on this?  Too harsh…  Too diplomatic…  And Silence … don’t work.

 I already know how to talk to people about what they’re doing wrong-I’m just blunt. Why should I do anything different?

 I don’t think there’s anything that can’t be talked about diplomatically. Why should I hurt people’s feelings?

WHAT HE MEANT: I’m concerned you’re not on track for tenure. How’s that great new article coming? Going quickly? WHAT HE HEARD: Your research work is great! Oh, yes, I think it’ll be done soon.

 Silence about a known problem can have unintended consequences  Silence signals to the person that the behavior is acceptable (or even good)  Silence about an important issue eventually leads to a blow-up

 A guide to developing STRUCTURED conversations …  About difficult topics …  Related to personnel management issues…  That most people find uncomfortable …  And often handle badly.

Conversations Reviewed Delivering bad news Delivering sad news Addressing rude or disrespectful behavior Addressing poor work performance Pointing out poor personal hygiene Saying no; turning down a request

 PREPARE THE CONVERSATION Define the Problem ◦ What is the person saying or doing (or not saying or not doing) that is causing a problem?  Why is it a problem? ◦ Separate fact from fiction – ”Just the facts, ma’am!” ◦ What are my assumptions, judgments and beliefs? (Separate these from the facts)

 Write it down in 3 sentences  Stick to the facts If you can’t clearly define the problem, you can’t open up a conversation about resolving the problem

 Determine your conversation goal ◦ Be realistic ◦ Have a back-up plan

 DESIGN & DELIVER THE “ABC” MESSAGE  Accurate  Brief  Clear

To be successful ◦ Lose the urge to control/change the other person ◦ Forget trying to prove you are “right” ◦ Resist the desire to insult or undermine ◦ Let go of your desire to avoid a negative reaction to this tough conversation

 Stop Talking and Start LISTENING ◦ It’s a conversation, not a class lecture or a conference presentation ◦ How to deal with defensive reactions ◦ How to manage outright freak-outs ◦ Tools to Stay Cool

 Comments to encourage listening Tell me what’s happening from your perspective What’s your understanding of what I’ve just said? What’s your take on this? How do you see things? I’m curious about your perspective on this issue

 Show confidence by embracing silence  Stifle your “inside voice”  Ask good questions  Listen to understand – not to deflect or rebut  Acknowledge the other person’s perspectives, feelings and concerns

 Don’t react – respond  Stay calm, quiet and in the moment ◦ Design your “stay cool” techniques in advance  Never engage in “blame and shame”  Do not attempt to prove the other person wrong  Calmly explain what will happen next

 Adopt the 5:1 rule  Practice genuine, active appreciation of good work  Master the art of saying ◦ With sincerity ◦ Without shame or guilt