Paragraph Revision

Personal Essay by: A. Nonny Muss As I was saying in class, I grew up as a child in Canada. Life was different. My dad got a job and me and my parents’ moved. My neighborhood is dangerous. The reason I believe that crime is a problem in my neighborhood is because people get hurt and things get stolen, the cops don’t do nothing about it. The fact of the matter is you can’t trust those lazy cops. There all corrupt.

Crime in My Neighborhood I grew up in a small town in Alberta, a western province of Canada. Two years ago, my father got a job in the Midwest, so my family moved to a suburb west of Chicago. The neighborhood where I live now, Suburbia, Illinois, is very different from where I grew up. Here, crimes occur more frequently. And lately the crimes seem to be getting more serious.

Crime (continued) Some recent crimes have been annoying, and others have been frightening. Property crime has become more common. Gang graffiti keeps appearing on buildings, walls, fences, lamp posts, everywhere, despite the efforts of home owners and the city’s clean-up crew to get rid of it. One afternoon last spring, I left my bicycle in our driveway for a few minutes, and it was stolen. Neighbors have had bicycles and other items damaged or stolen too.

Crime (continued) Local crimes have, in the past few months, become even more serious. Several houses on our block have been burglarized. There was even a home invasion nearby; though no one was hurt, a young couple was held at gun point for over an hour. And just yesterday, a man who was walking to the train at seven in the morning was jumped by several teenagers, robbed, and badly beaten up. He’s still in the hospital.

Crime (continued) Over the past year, it seems as though crime has increased in frequency and severity, and the criminals have become more daring and more violent. Residents of Suburbia, Illinois are asking the police why the authorities are not doing more to stop the criminals.

Editing  Make paragraphs coherent and use transitions. Sentences should lead the reader logically from one idea to the next. Keep important points at the beginning and the end.  Be sure sentences are complete. Save very short sentences or fragments for emphasis.  Edit out wordiness: The reason is because….The fact of the matter is….  Use spell check and grammar check but also proofread. Watch out for lack of punctuation, misused words, homonyms.  Don’t add punctuation, especially commas or apostrophes, if you don’t know why you are using it.