HOPE YOU HAD A NICE LONG WEEKEND! “It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.” ~Jack Kerouac 12 Nov Please take out your notebook and copy down the learning target. Take out your writing assignment, please! Learning Target: Improve writing piece with targeted revisions

Agenda11/12/13  Targeted Writing Revisions “Fun Activity”! Homework: Update your writing piece from today with all your good new revision strategies! Bring in old and new copies Friday (by the end of the day)!

#1: Cut the clutter!  Eliminate redundancy  Delete weak phrases  Remove unnecessary who, which, and that clauses

Eliminate redundancy  When not used as a stylistic device, redundancy weakens your writing.  Trim whatever you can to keep the meaning, but to say it more directly. Examples: Before: “An expert opinion from the person with the experience of the study stated that the impressive results were really impactful.” After: “The expert in charge of the study stated that the results were impressive.”

Apply it!  Highlight any sentences that you think you could take a second look at in order to eliminate redundancy.  Rewrite ONE of those sentences now and be prepared to share!

Delete Weak Phrases  While these “filler” phrases may be useful in speech, they’re useless in your writing.  Two types of weak phrases: Roundabout openings Excessive prepositional phrases

Roundabout Openings  In speaking, we can “warm up” to the main idea by adding filler words. In writing, it can weaken the point you’re trying to make.  Examples: Roundabout Opening Examples “Well,” “It” (when not referring to a specific noun) “There” “What” (when not asking a question) “How” (when not asking a question)

Revision Examples BeforeAfter It was their belief that it was the problem had been solved. They believe the problem had been solved. There are now computer classes offered by many high schools Many computer classes are offered by high schools. What should be done in the event of a crisis is that food should be brought to victims. In the event of a crisis, food should be brought to victims. Well, the real reason I didn’t do my homework was that I was sleepy. The real reason I didn’t do my homework was that I was sleepy.

Apply it!  Check the beginning of your sentences- highlight anytime you started with “It”, “There”, “What”, “How”, or “Well”.  When logical, eliminate those intro phrases and rewrite it to get right to your point.

Excessive Prepositional Phrases  Prepositions: words that show relationships between nouns (like in, around, near, of, at, on, etc.)  Prepositional phrases: strings of words that start with prepositions.  Prepositional phrases clutter sentences and make it more difficult to see your main ideas.

Examples BeforeAfter Growth in the greenhouse effect may result in increases in the intensity of hurricanes. The growing greenhouse effect may intensify hurricanes. The reassurance of a neighbor who was the owner of a pit bull that his dog was incapable of harm would not be sufficient to prevent most parents from calling the authorities if the dog ran loose. Despite a neighbor’s reassurance that his pit bull was harmless, most parents would call the authorities if the dog ran loose.

Apply it!  Highlight any prepositional phrases in your writing.  Remember “at”, “in”, and “of” are the most common offenders!  Fix ONE sentence and be prepared to share!  Some solutions:  Eliminate and substitute one strong verb (“intensify”) or change to include the possessive form (“neighbor’s reassurance)

Eliminate Unnecessary Clauses  Often “who,” “which”, and “that” clauses can be eliminated without a change in meaning.  A clause is a group of words with a subject and a predicate  Examples: BeforeAfter The townsfolk misunderstood the main point that the developer made. The townsfolk misunderstood the developer’s main point. The employees who protested the restrictions went on strike, which was a real surprise to management. The employees protesting the restricts surprised management by going on strike.

Apply it!  Highlight all of your “who”, “which” and “that” clauses  Choose ONE to rewrite and share with the class!

#2 Make Sentences Emphatic!  Really make those sentences have some impact! (without resorting to cheesy use of exclamation points!! Seriously…eliminate 99.9% of your ! marks)  Place key points at the beginning or end  Use fragments (really!)

Place key points at the beginning or end  A sentence’s opening and ending are key showcase spots, and depending what you want to emphasize, you are shifting the main focus of your sentence.

Example of the beginning emphasis  “The potentially life-saving drug, developed by junior researchers at the medical school, will be available next month.”  “Developed by junior researchers at the medical school, the potentially life-saving drug will be available next month.”

Apply it!  Skim through your paper and underline any sentence you think would benefit from re- ordering to prioritize your ideas.

Use fragments (really!)  Usually these are a no-go, but there are times when they can really add voice to your writing.  But beware- overuse can make them lose their effect!  Example:  “One of my aunt’s eccentric beliefs is that a homemade gift is always better than one purchased at a store. Home-brewed perfume that smells like ham. Crocheted soap necklaces. Dolls with real human hair. Frankly, I’ve wished many a time for a generic card and a $20 bill.”

Apply it!  Skim through your writing- any spot where you could condense a longer section into a series of fragments, or any spot where you really want to emphasis an idea by re-writing it as a fragment?

Phew…that was a lot of work!  Which technique was most interesting or helpful to you?