Love and Logic Session 2 Sept. 30, 2009

11/14/2015 Agenda/Topics to Be Covered Review Previous Session The “Thinking” Mode Responses that Create Fight or Flight Lock in the Empathy Empathy Vs. Sympathy Create an Empathetic Statement Session Review

11/14/2015 Quick Review What is the most important skill to have when using L & L? Steps to take to lock in Empathy  Smile  Pause  Lower your voice (whisper)  Nonthreatening Approach  No …  Deliver and Empathetic Statement

11/14/2015 Pick just one Love and Logic technique at a time and begin to experiment. Practice, may not work the first time you use it. Don’t try to use everything you learn at once. Use a script, notes to yourself, prompt of what to say.

11/14/2015 Misbehavior Cycle 1.Child misbehaves 2.Adult shows anger or frustration 3.Child thinks: The most powerful people in my life have to sweat to make me behave. OR It’s entertaining to make adults mad. OR The most powerful people in my life can’t make me behave. 4.Child develops negative self-concept. “I must be pretty hopeless.” Cycle of Misbehavior Repeats

11/14/2015 What happens when kids get angry and frustrated? They see them themselves as victims. What do some kids do when they feel like victims? Aggression, Depression, Violence, Bullying Behavior “Angry Anthony”

11/14/2015 Share Experiences 7 th Grade Girl

11/14/2015 The Core of Love & Logic: EMPATHY Have you ever noticed how some teachers find a way to be strict and at the same time get most of their students to respect and really like them? And have you ever noticed how some try to be strict and manage to make most of their students really angry and resentful? *Mabel

11/14/2015 Brain Research Why is empathy so powerful? Two very general parts of the brain. Frontal cortex is where higher order learning and thinking takes place. Impulse control happens here. Brain stem, regulates involuntary functions, heart rate, breathing  Hardware Store Video Clip

Brain stem is also responsible for the more “primitive” yet essential “fight-or-flight” response. What happens when humans experience threat?  Stress hormones  Shuts down frontal-cortex  Brain Stem takes over  What do students do who are operating in brain stem mode?

Empathy Prevents Fight-or-Flight A strong dose of caring helps kids feel safe. Our words and actions bring students into either thinking mode or survival mode. EMPATHY opens the heart and mind to learning. (Frontal cortex) Reptilian Brain Student – Strong dose of empathy – Up the odds of moving the student into a thinking (frontal cortex) state.

Caution Teachers who misuse Love & Logic get into a bad habit of saying and doing things that put students into fight-or- flight. Do you know any teachers (adults) who are black belts at putting kids in fight-or- flight? (Video “Everything but …) Responses that create fight or flight.  Role play

WITH FRUSTRATION: “What’s wrong with you?” WITH ANGER: “Get to work!” AS A DEMAND: “Walk in the hall.” WITH IRRITATION: “How come you always do that?” IN A CONDESCENDING TONE: “Your sisters were such good students.” WITH SARCASM: “Oh super!”

WITH SARCASM: “How sad.” WITH GUILD OR SHAME: “You have so much potential, but you just don’t want to apply yourself.” EMBARRASSING STUDENT IN FRONT OF CLASS: “Class. Do you think John is behaving the way he should?” THREATENING: “You need to settle down.” REJECTING: “That’s it! Go to the office.”

Empathy Vs. Sympathy Empathy without holding kids accountable erodes responsibility and self-concept. Empathy followed by logical consequences builds responsibility. Example of sympathy … (role play) Sympathy means that we not only feel what the child is feeling, but that we make their problems our own.

Sympathy says to a child … You are weak. No need to be responsible. I’ll rescue you from your problem. What are the chances that Wilma will rely on Mrs. Parker’s rescuing in the future? In our culture sympathy has a positive connotation. In reality, sympathy here does more harm than good.

Using Empathy Instead Empathy example … Teachers who show sincere empathy, give some suggestions, give their students the power of solving their own problems. What are the effects of empathy?

Empathy says to a child … You are capable! You are strong! You are wise! Because I care about you so much I will not rescue you from your problems or poor decisions. You can do it! I believe in you!

Important difference … Sympathy is easy in the short run – but backfires in the long run. Empathy is difficult in the short run – but rewards in the long run.

Empathetic Statements Video Segment “Making Empathy More Natural” The key to success is finding just one empathetic statement and practicing it over and over. Menu of empathetic statements that fits Pick one that is most comfortable for you. Memorize this statement and practice saying it. Post-it everywhere!

Review Empathy is a powerful tool when we:  Deliver it with sincerity, NOT sarcasm  Always send it BEFORE describing the consequence  Keep it SIMPLE  Turn to your partner and practice your empathetic statement.  Dr. Charles Fay on Empathy  Principal A and Principal B