How Well Do You Listen? Like Him?

FYI ON COMMUNICATION *Americans gain 90% of their information from listening *We can think 4-times faster than we can listen ◦ words spoken vs words heard *More than 75% of what we hear is heard incorrectly. We forget 75% of the 25% that we heard correctly within a matter of weeks. *We spend at least 80% of our day listening Considering these statistics, people would do well to improve their listening skills. How well do you listen?

ROAD TRIP – Just close your eyes and LISTEN. Imagine that you are in the driver’s seat of you car. You pull out of the school parking lot and go…..

Listening attentively without interrupting and then restating what was heard. The main purpose of active / reflective listening is to clarify what was said. The listener mirrors back the thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. –“Are you saying …” –“You seem …” If the listener is wrong then the speaker can restate it in a different way. Active/Reflective Listening Is

Active Listening Getting Around Listening Blocks Ask Open Ended questions Closed: Are you feeling bad today? Open: How are you feeling today? Use appropriate eye contact. 7 blinks in 10 seconds = listening Nod if you understand or ask for clarification. Don’t cross arms or legs or lean back. These are all non-verbal turnoffs. Lean slightly forward. This translates as being interested

Active Listening Skills (cont.) Facial expressions and tone of voice. It is not so much what you say as how you say it! Don’t stand or sit too close. This is a violation of personal space and makes the person uncomfortable. If standing, face the person and let your arms rest at your side. This translates as openness. Touch your face with your hand from time to time. This translates as thoughtful and contemplative. Be honest and sincere

Active Listening Skills (cont.) Stop talking and listen. Let them finish before you begin. Do not finish their sentences. Look like you are interested Be in an appropriate environment to talk. Remove all distractions. Wait to offer advice until they ask for it. Boyfriend/Girlfriend to Partner: I’m so tired of you always choosing the activities that we do on dates. You never even ask me what I want to do, you just always expect me to like whatever you choose. I like being with you, but I also would like a say in what we do when we go out. Response:

The Wright Family Story Sit in a circle, Indian style. Each person takes one piece of candy. You will pass it to the person to your right or left any time you hear the word right or left in the story.

What Affects Our Ability to Listen? Sounds & Noises Lack of interest Attitude Lack of Concentration Personal bias towards the subject Thinking about something else – mind wandering Your mood How you feel The time of the day The temperature The speaker Your mental set

More Listening Blocks I must defend my position. I’m looking for an entrance into the conversation. I don’t have time to listen to you. I already know what you have to say. I know what you should do.

Practice Pair up – one speaker, one listener Interview partner for 2 min. Interviewers job is to encourage their partner to share information and feelings by using non-verbal signals and active listening skills.

1 st Interview Interviewer needs to find out where person was born, favorite subject in school, have they ever cheated on a test, and feelings about premarital sex. Switch roles. 2 nd Interviewer New interviewer needs to find out how many siblings they have, hobby, have they ever stolen anything, and philosophy of kissing.

Partners discuss and evaluate the interview and the observed listening skills. ◦Were you distracted while listening? ◦Did you feel heard by your partner? ◦How did you feel in each role? ◦Do you feel like you know your partner better after this activity? Was there anything you noticed during this activity that made you feel your partner was or wasn’t listening to you?

“You lazy bum! Where is the math book I let you borrow?”

YOU Messages Describing someone else's behavior: ◦Creates barriers ◦Puts others down ◦Provokes anger, hurt, embarrassment ◦If you don’t , Then I will

I Messages Let’s others know how you feel Expresses feelings without making people feel defensive Opens up communication Builds trust and respect Focus on the action not the person Removes criticism and blame

I Message Formula When I____________ ◦(see, hear, know, don’t…)  Describes the behavior I feel________________ ◦Happy, sad, angry, doubtful, embarrassed, worried  Describes the feeling experienced because of the behavior Because ________________  Describes the effect it has on you  The tone of voice affects the I-message

“You lazy bum! Where is the math book I let you borrow?”

Practice a Couple More You always ignore me when you are around other friends. You never listen to me so why should I even help you? Keep your scummy hands off of my stuff! You are such a lazy bum. You are either on the phone, watching TV, or gone. Start helping or find another place to live. You’d better turn down that music. I can’t hear myself think.