Dealing with Unhealthy Dialogue

State Standard Understand conditions, actions, and motivations that contribute to conflict or Understand conditions, actions, and motivations that contribute to conflict or to cooperation. to cooperation.

When faced with a failed conversation, we are often quick to blame someone else. When faced with a failed conversation, we are often quick to blame someone else. But rarely are we completely innocent. But rarely are we completely innocent.

“’Seek first to understand’ involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They are either speaking or preparing to speak. They are filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives. If they have a problem with someone, their attitude is ‘That person just doesn’t understand.’” --Stephen Covey

Those who are best at dialogue “work on me first.” Those who are best at dialogue “work on me first.” Here’s how… Here’s how… 1. Maintain focus 2. Keep the door of dialogue open. open.

Many people try to change the goal of a conversation. Many people try to change the goal of a conversation. Here’s why… Here’s why… 1. Save face 1. Save face 2. Avoid embarrassment 3. Punish others 3. Punish others 4. Revenge 4. Revenge 5. Protect the self 5. Protect the self

Deviations from Goal Deviations from Goal 1. Wanting To Win 2. Seeking Revenge 3. Conflict Avoiding

Signs of a C.C. Signs of a C.C. 1. Tightening of Stomach 2. Emotional Responses (Fear, Hurt, Anger) (Fear, Hurt, Anger) 3. Raising of Voices 4. Sarcasm

Silence or Violence Silence or Violence When fear enters a conversation, people either attack or go silent. When fear enters a conversation, people either attack or go silent.

Look for these responses in yourself and others. Look for these responses in yourself and others. To counter, create safety. To counter, create safety.

3 Forms of Silence 3 Forms of Silence 1. Masking 2. Avoiding 3. Withdrawing

I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow. -William Blake -William Blake

“Try to understand men, if you understand each other, you will be kind to each other. knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love.” (John Steinbeck)

3 Forms of Violence 3 Forms of Violence 1. Controlling 2. Labeling 3. Attacking

Video Clip Tom Cruise on the Today Show Tom Cruise on the Today Show

Ways to Create Safety Ways to Create Safety 1. Clarify your real intentions. 2. Clarify what are not your intentions. 3. Search for healthy options that will bring about that will bring about dialogue. dialogue.

Activity Activity Within groups, write a scene depicting two people engaged in a crucial conversation. One person is practicing some of the dysfunctional behaviors we discussed. The other person uses the CC techniques from our notes. Include a resolution. Within groups, write a scene depicting two people engaged in a crucial conversation. One person is practicing some of the dysfunctional behaviors we discussed. The other person uses the CC techniques from our notes. Include a resolution.

Topics Divorce Divorce Death Death Peer Pressure Peer Pressure Drugs Drugs Bullying Bullying Money Money Depression Depression Eating Disorders Eating Disorders Insecurity Insecurity Self-perception Self-perception Diseases Diseases Ending a relationship Ending a relationship Hygiene Hygiene