Do Now: What do different ages think when someone dies?

Identify stages of death and dying and grief

Preschool children usually see death as reversible, temporary, and impersonal. Watching cartoon characters on television miraculously rise up whole again after having been crushed or blown apart tends to reinforce this notion.

Between the ages of 5-9, most children are beginning to realize that death is final and that all living things die, but still they do not see death as personal. They harbor the idea that somehow they can escape through their own ingenuity and efforts. During this stage, children also tend to personify death. They may associate death with a skeleton or the angel of death, and some children have nightmares about them.

From nine or ten through adolescence, children begin to comprehend fully that death is irreversible, that all living things die, and that they too will die some day. Some begin to work on developing philosophical views of life and death. Teenagers, especially, often become intrigued with seeking the meaning of life. Some youngsters react to their fear of death by taking unnecessary chances with their lives. In confronting death, they are trying to overcome their fears by confirming their “control” over mortality.

Bereavement is the period after a loss during which grief is experienced and mourning occurs. The time spent in a period of bereavement depends on how attached the person was to the person who died, and how much time was spent anticipating the loss. Mourning is the process by which people adapt to a loss. Mourning is also influenced by cultural customs, rituals, and society’s rules for coping with loss.

1. Shock and numbness: Family members find it difficult to believe the death; they feel stunned and numb. 2. Yearning and searching: Survivors experience separation anxiety and cannot accept the reality of the loss. They try to find and bring back the lost person and feel ongoing frustration and disappointment when this is not possible. 3. Disorganization and despair: Family members feel depressed and find it difficult to plan for the future. They are easily distracted and have difficulty concentrating and focusing. 4. Reorganization.

Sadness: This is the most common emotion and one we are all familiar with to some degree. Anger: You may be angry at God, the doctor, the ’system’, even the person who died. Someone you love is gone. Why should you not feel angry? Frustration: Death is final. You want your loved one back and you can do nothing. Guilt: The questions may come up. “Maybe I should have.?” “If only I had...?” Shock and Numbness: Initially you may feel nothing. Combat veterans are often surprised to discover their wounds following an action. Accident victims may become aware of their own injuries after they have cared for others.

Act “normal” Appear overly happy Don’t know what to do, lost Loss of appetite Insomnia Retreating socially Crying Dreams or nightmares Calling out the deceased’s’ name Treasuring or avoiding momentos of the deceased

an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events. inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone. acting much younger for an extended period. excessively imitating the dead person. repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person. withdrawal from friends. sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school.

Be present and available Be a good nonjudgmental listener Be very patient Let the person cry Respect the pain of loss Continue to provide support after the initial shock has worn off *If you are concerned, talk to an adult, family member or trained professional immediately.

It is better to keep the wordings short and to the point, rather than making them elaborate and long. If the deceased person is closely related to you, then your sympathy card should express that person's importance and contribution in your life. If the deceased person is not closely related to you, then it is better to write a short and simple message. It is always good to put your signature at the end of the card rather than your first name or initials as there might be other members in your family having the same name. Please do not use phrases like 'It was his time to go.‘