Committed Romantic Relationships Definition: Relationship between individuals who assume that they will be primary and continuing parts of each others’ lives. Key Points: Voluntary (Western Culture) Involve romantic/sexual feelings Primary and Permanent

Dimensions of Romantic Relationships Believed to consist of (3) dimensions: Intimacy Commitment Passion

Dimensions of a Romantic Relationship Passion Definition: Describes intensely positive feelings and fervent desire for another person. Examples of feeling: Butterflies Sparks Being head over heals *Not restricted to sexual feelings *May involve emotional, spiritual and intellectual attraction *Not primary foundation for most enduring romantic relationships *Not the glue that holds romantic relationships together

Dimensions of a Romantic Relationship Commitment Definition: Intention/decision to remain involved with a relationship. B) Determination to stay together despite troubles, disappointments, sporadic restlessness and lulls in passion. Not the same as love Love is a feeling based on the reward of our involvement with a person. Strong relationship between commitment and investment More investment = more commitment. Involves accepting responsibility for maintaining a relationship Act of will

Dimensions of a Romantic Relationship Commitment…Cont. Two broad categories as to why people commit 1. Comfortable and Pleasing Value Companionship Emotional Support Financial Assistance 2. Avoid Negative Consequences of Ending Violating religious values Family disapproval Financial hardship

Dimensions of a Romantic Relationship Intimacy Definition: A) Feelings of closeness, connections and tenderness. B) Abiding affection and warm feelings for another person. Related to passion equals feelings Link between intimacy and passion with commitment Joins partners now into the future

Styles of love are like primary and secondary colors! Eros Storge Ludus Secondary: Pragma Mania Agape

Styles of Love Primary Color: Eros Eros – Powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically. Intense Most intuitive and spontaneous Fastest moving May include: Sexual, spiritual, intellectual or emotional attraction or all of the above.

Styles of Love Primary Color: Storge Storge (STORE-gay) – Comfortable even keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility. Storge love: Tends to develop gradually, peaceful and stable Most cases: grows out of common interests, values and life goals. Storge

Styles of Love Primary Color: Ludus Ludus – Playful love Ludus Lovers: See love as a game Like to play the field Enjoy falling in love Enjoy romance but not the settling LUDUS

Styles of Love Secondary Color: Pragma Pragma – Pragmatic or practical love Between Primary Colors: Ludus (stable) & Storge (Secure Love) Clear criteria for lovers Religious affiliation Career Family background Not necessarily unfeeling/unloving See practicality as foundation to tall in love Pragma

Styles of Love Secondary Color: Mania Mania – derives from Greek term theia mania, or “Madness from Gods”. Between Primary Colors: Eros (Passion) & Ludic (Play Rules) May devise tests and games to evaluate commitment Typically unsure of others love Often experiences emotional extremes May be obsessed about relationships

Styles of Love Secondary Color: Agape Agape – Love others without expectation of personal gain or return. Between Primary Colors: Storge (Constancy) & Eros (Passion) Generous Selfless Put loved ones first without expectations of reciprocation Loving and giving is rewarding **No one is purely agapic, but may have agapic tendencies. Agape

Rules for figuring out your love style: Most have a combination style A primary and a secondary Love styles are not permanent We learn to love Changes occur with more experiences in loving Part of an overall interpersonal system Affected by relationship aspects Your partners will influence your own love style Individual styles of love are not good or bad. What is important is the partners’ styles fitting together. 

The Development of Romantic Relationships Three broad phases (Western Culture): Growth Navigation Deterioration

The Development of Romantic Relationship Growth There are six GROWTH stages: Individuality Invitational Communication Explorational Communication Intensifying Communication Revising Communication Commitment

Growth: Stage 1 Individuality: Needs, goals, love styles, perceptual tendencies and qualities that affect what we ask for in relationships People we choose may be influenced by aspect of ourselves

Growth: Stage 2 Invitational Communication: Three great influences Self-concept Men: Physical characteristics Women: Qualities of personality Proximity Close in location or access (internet) Similarities Seeks partners with similar values, attitudes and lifestyles.

Growth: Stage 3 Explorational Communication: Exchanging information People fish for common ground/interest Typically done with a “pick-up” line

Growth: Stage 4 Intensifying Communication: Intensifying (euphoria) and happiness Can’t be together enough Learning the other person Agree on dating/going steady (official) Couple Communication – language/nicknames Overlooking/downplaying perfection

Growth: Stage 5 & 6 5. Revising Communication: Evaluation stage Realization *not always a step in the process 6. Commitment

The Development of Romantic Relationship Navigation Navigation: the ongoing process of staying together despite obstacles. Preventative maintenance and repair (auto terminology) Continuously adjust, work through old and new problems

Navigation Continued Relational Culture Placemaking Private world rules, understandings, meanings and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create for their relationship. Couples develop rules and rituals as to how to communicate anger, sexual interests or how to celebrate special occasions, birthdays and holidays. Placemaking Process of creating a comfortable personal environment that reflects the values, experiences and taste of the couple as one.

The Development of Romantic Relationship Deterioration 5 stage sequence Intrapsychic Processes Dissatisfaction of relationship Dyadic Process Breakdown of established patterns, rules and rituals that make the relational culture Social Support Phase of looking for support through friends and family Grave-dressing Process Burying the relationship and accepting the end Resurrection Process Moving on with other intimate relationships

Guidelines for Communicating in a Romantic Relationship Engage in dual perspective Getting to know the other person well and using that knowledge to guide the communication choices Practice Safe Sex Manage Conflict Constructively Romantic relationships require special attentions If not mastered, could lead to domestic violence Adapt Communication to Maintain long-distance relationships Three reasons they fail: Lack of daily sharing Unrealistic amounts of time together. (every moment should be perfect) Unequal effort invested