Mate Selection Theories

FANNIES DREAM What was she looking for? What was she like? What did she get? Why did she marry?

Why do people marry? Trapped Escape Obligation Status Change Set Variable Pity Love Pressure Companionship Money Family Common History Marriage should never become “just the next step” in a relationship. The characteristics and time of a marriage are important.

Do you think you can be too picky?

Where do we find a potential mate? For many centuries, mate selection was based on:  Economic necessity  Convenience  Biological Reasons  King Henry VIII wanted to have a son and remarried until he could find a wife that provided him with one.

Theory of Propinquity We marry people we know. If you only know people from school, work, church, college, etc., that is who you will marry. Think of television shows you watch. Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill. The characters in these shows date and marry each other because they know them from school and their community.

Exchange Theory We evaluate our worth and find someone of similar worth.  We find people with similarities to us. (looks for looks, money for money, etc..)  This is why it is not uncommon to see people getting married that look like brother or sister. People will exchange or barter to make up in areas  my looks for your money

Complimentary Needs Theory “ Opposites attract” We find people that compliment our needs.  Dominant people find submissive people.  A nurturing person finds someone who wants to be mothered. My aunt is a very dominant extrovert while my uncle is an introvert. My grandpa is very accident prone and my grandma is very nurturing and always takes care of him.

Time and Place Theory (Happy Collision) Fate… Marry the person we are supposed to when the time is right. Timing Could have married many of the people that we dated but the timing wasn’t right. Society expects marriage because that is the next timing step: after college, after establishing a career, when returning from military service, etc.

More on the Happy Collision People generally marry about 4 years after they begin to date on a regular basis. Average ages for marriage are: *US men-28.4 women-26.5 *Utah men-23.9 women-21.9 You will marry someone within the geographical area that you live.  long distance relationships require more time and money.  75% of the men and women who marry will live within 5 miles of each other.

FIRE BRIGADE

Filter Theory We filter out people that don’t meet our criteria (color of hair, height, age, etc.) “There’s NOBODY decent around here.” My personal ideal man. Mark Salling

Social Filters (Homogenous Theory) Birds of a feather flock together. Same social class or income level.  There is an increase chance of marriage success when we stay in our own class. Race is the least-likely line to be crossed in mate selection. Same religion. Similar intelligence and education.

Biological Filters Sex  Most people don’t choose the same gender. Age  We choose someone close to our age (most 22 year old men are not looking for a 54 year old woman). Family Lines  We can rule out our relatives… Physical features  usually similar to ours, ie. Body type, weight, height, etc.

Psychological Filters Based on conscious and unconscious needs of people.  These needs are based on childhood experiences. Similar roles and expectations Similar to their opposite sex parent. (I usually compare any man I date to my dad) Similar interests and hobbies. We choose people who make us feel good about ourselves

Crystal Ball 1,3,5,7,9,11,13,15,17,19,21,23,25,27,29,31. 2,3,6,7,10,11,14,15,18,19,22,23,26,27,30,31. 4,5,6,7,12,13,14,15,20,21,22,23,28,29,30,31. 8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31. 16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31

Crystal Ball Can you figure out how this works? How important is it to have information when trying to figure something out? Is it important to have CORRECT information before making a decision? What kind of information do we need when we are selecting a mate?

Is finding your one and only a fallacy? Assignment #4 Ask your parents why they chose each other and assign them a theory. - YES

“Most good partnerships are built on good friendships, common bonds, genuine interest in the welfare and future of each other, and a decent enough amount of sexual attraction to keep you from being bored until the true love and affection can bridge the gap.”

Let’s Review Date a variety of people to get to know what you want in a potential mate. You marry who you date. You do not fall in love, you grow in love. Find the right person, NOT find the person and then change them to be the right person. Be realistic and look at the big overall picture of the person. Make a rational decision not a romantic decision.

More Review…. Make a list of characteristics and qualities that you think are most important and wanted in a mate. Pay attention to their family relationship. The more differences you have as a dating couple, the more often there will be conflict and problems in a marriage. Become what you want in a potential mate. Marriage is a life-long decision so be VERY selective about it.

We need to make good decisions about the person with whom we will spend the rest of our life. Marriage is too important to be left to chance or to be entered into without careful thought. A good marriage is a precious gift. A bad marriage can be a tragedy.

Want Ad / Letter To Yourself: Write a letter to yourself, while you are thinking clearly and not lost in the glitter and glam of love, describe your personal values and beliefs of marriage. Give yourself some advice to follow during your mate selecting process. Have me check off the letter and then I will give you an envelope. Seal your letter in the envelope with instructions to not open it until you think you are ready to become engaged! Put it in your notebook to be checked off and then… Put it in a safe spot where you will find it in 5-10 years.