Revising to Cut Wordiness What I do not mean by this is “cutting content.” For instance: Franklin’s work ethic shows up in different forms in three of the characters in Death of a Salesman. Franklin’s work ethic shows up in Death of a Salesman. [Leaving out “different forms in three of the characters “ changes the meaning, eliminating content.] Besides not cutting content, do not cut cohesive markers: Franklin’s work ethic shows up differently in three characters in Death of a Salesman. Nevertheless, it retains some of its original characteristics. Franklin’s work ethic shows up differently in three characters in Death of a Salesman. It retains some of its original characteristics.

Revising to Cut Wordiness Look for places where sentences are short. Besides short sentences can slow down one’s reading. ORIGINAL: Franklin’s idea is about how to get ahead in the world. This is the American work ethic. It is also known in some circles as the “Protestant ethic.” REVISED: Franklin’s idea about how to get ahead in the world is also known as the American work ethic or, in some circles, as the “Protestant ethic.”

Revising to Cut Wordiness Look for places where sentences overlap – especially when one begins where the previous one ends: ORIGINAL: One American patriot and intellectual was Benjamin Franklin. Franklin discussed the idea of work in his “Advice to a Young Tradesman.” REVISED: One American patriot and intellectual was Benjamin Franklin, who discussed the idea of work in his “Advice to a Young Tradesman.” Also look for other places where sentences overlap: ORIGINAL: Franklin discussed the idea of work at length. This idea of work shows up in particular in “Advice to a Young Tradesman.” REVISED: Franklin discussed the idea of work at length, in particular in “Advice to a Young Tradesman.”

Revising to Cut Wordiness Look for places where sentences are heavy in prepositions. (Prepositions tend to be accompanied with what are called “nominals” – i.e., noun versions of verbs.) Try to replace nominals with verbs. Verb: Create Noun Version: Creation Develop Development

Revising Parallelism - using sentence level parallelism. Members of the GI generation lived through the Depression. It took place in 1930s. Another event that they endured was World War II. It was 1939 to 1945 when this occurred. Members of the GI generation lived through the Depression, which took place in the 1930s, and World War II, which took place from 1939 to 1945. Members of the GI generation lived through the Depression (in the 1930s) and World War II (1939-1945).

Revising for Formality Creating the formality level of a persona is an important part of having a successful text. There are several dimensions of style (especially word choice) that are quite obviously related to formality. Note how amazing it is that one word can change the persona drastically. Throughout one entire season of Beverly Hills 90210, Kelly has two guys interested in her. Throughout one entire season of Beverly Hills 90210, Kelly has two gentlemen interested in her. Throughout one entire season of Beverly Hills 90210, Kelly has two dudes interested in her. Throughout one entire season of Beverly Hills 90210, Kelly has two slackers interested in her. Throughout one entire season of Beverly Hills 90210, Kelly has two young men interested in her. Throughout one entire season of Beverly Hills 90210, Kelly has two suitors interested in her. Throughout one entire season of Beverly Hills 90210, Kelly has two males interested in her.

Revising for Formality Also, formality can be created by the use or non-use of contracted forms. has + not = hasn’t were + not = weren’t should + not + have + shouldn’t’ve

Revising for Cohesion Cohesion in a Whole Passage Through Transplacement (Key Word or Key Phrase Repetition): Franklin’s suggestion to the young tradesman that “industry” was a way to wealth is the first area of the American work ethic I would like to explore in Death of a Salesman. XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX In fact, industry is especially clear in…XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX In the character of Biff, though, the idea of industry is challenged. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Cohesion Between Individual Sentences The following is an example of a sentence that NEED cohesion: A dark-haired woman stepped to the microphone. A man in a pinstriped suit fainted.

Cohesive Devices (transitions) Illustratives: for example, for instance Temporals: first, next, then, after that Additives: also, moreover, furthermore, in addition, and Constrastives: by contrast, however, on the other hand, yet, nevertheless, but Comparatives: similarly, likewise Causatives: as a result, hence, thus Reiteratives: in other words, that is

Using Cohesive Devices These cohesive devices are especially valuable at the heads of sentences: Franklin’s idea of time is money is confirmed in the film. However, the idea comes off much differently then it would have had Franklin written it. Punctuating these cohesive devices in various locations in sentences: Franklin’s idea of time is money is confirmed in the film. The idea, however, comes off much differently then it would have had Franklin written it. Franklin’s idea of time is money is confirmed in the film. The idea comes off much differently then it would have had Franklin written it, however. Franklin’s idea of time is money is confirmed in the film; however, the idea comes off much differently then it would have had Franklin written it.

Numbers Numerals should be used to express numbers in most cases. Except: Beginning of a sentence, heading, title, etc. When used as pronouns (when “one” can be replaced with “a” or “an,” number is unnecessary) Ordinals First through Ninth When “one” occurs without referring to a quantity, per se, and may be awkward as a numeral “zero,” “one,” “two,” or large rounded numbers (a half million people) in circumstances in which the numeral would place unintended emphasis on a precise quantity or would be confusing (example: one of the two trials) But, always use numerals for doses. Example: 1 dose 4 times a day.

Sexism The word choice in these sentences might brand the text as “sexist” (even if it was written by a woman): People usually don’t realize that a doctor has to make wise decisions – and he has to do it every single hour. This is the greatest source of his stress. The truth is that there are few jobs known to man that are more stressful than being a physician. Too often people don’t acknowledge the contributions of policemen and mailmen to the advancement of modern life.

Titles Titles should preview what the paper is going to discuss. Avoid one or two word titles; readers cannot derive a lot of meaning from short, broad, topic titles. Instead, offer a title with more explanation; for instance: Finding Meaning in Memoir The Role of Narrative Description and Figurative Language in Lawrence Lessig’s “Protecting Mickey Mouse at Art’s Expense” However, if that short, broad topic title comes to mind, use it and then place a colon behind it with a more descriptive subtitle; for example: Deinstitutionalization: The Past Idea with the Present Misfortune Bias in the English Language: No One is Exempt