2009 CSKLS Conference University of Ottawa Healthy Relationships Jim Gustafson, Ed.D. Messiah College

Outline Importance of relationships Importance of relationships Assessment of relationships Assessment of relationships Personality types Personality types A bad example A bad example Handling conflicts God’s way Handling conflicts God’s way Three applications Three applications Tips for friendships Tips for friendships Tips for dating couples Tips for dating couples Tips for married couples Tips for married couples

We are relational beings… Peter Walters writes: Relationships are, without question, one of the most important things humans have. Nearly everyone, when it comes down to it, would rather give up careers, plans and ambitions, time and money, comfort and security, and even health than lose someone he or she loves.

Relationships with Whom? Parents Parents Relatives Relatives Friends Friends Girl friend/boy friend Girl friend/boy friend Employers Employers Teammates Teammates Teachers/Professors Teachers/Professors Siblings Siblings Neighbors Neighbors Roommates Roommates Classmates Classmates Fellow workers Fellow workers Opponents Opponents Coaches Coaches

Current Status of Interpersonal Relationships of Students

Desire for Improvement for Interpersonal Relationships

Experienced Parental Separation or Divorce

Lived with Single Parent for a Year or More

Involved in a Serious Romantic Relationship

Experienced True Romantic Love

Had Your “Heart Broken”

Relational conflict lasting more than 2 months

Relational Loneliness lasting more than 1 month

A Bad Example A Bad Example Joseph & his brothers Joseph & his brothers Joseph & Potiphar’s wife Joseph & Potiphar’s wife Joseph & the chief cupbearer Joseph & the chief cupbearer

Personality Types Why did God make us all so different???

Answer: God loves variety! And He has gifted us for different jobs to further His kingdom. And He has gifted us for different jobs to further His kingdom. Each of us is unique and able to do a task better than others. Each of us is unique and able to do a task better than others. Check out the Spiritual gift inventory in your text. Check out the Spiritual gift inventory in your text.

Personality types compliment our giftedness. No personality is better than another, but some are more advantageous for some jobs than are others. Some personalities lend themselves to certain situations, while others are more able to thrive in different environments. Isn’t it wonderful that we are all different?

Myers-Briggs Personality Model (E) Extroversion (E) Extroversion (S) Sensing (S) Sensing (T) Thinking (T) Thinking (J) Judging (J) Judging (I) Introversion (I) Introversion (N) Intuition (N) Intuition (F) Feeling (F) Feeling (P) Perceiving (P) Perceiving

Conflicts are inevitable, but… We can chose how to solve them. We can chose how to solve them. We can decide how we react to them. We can decide how we react to them. We can love others even when we have conflicts. We can love others even when we have conflicts. We can give others the benefit of the doubt. We can give others the benefit of the doubt. We can always say “I’m sorry.” We can always say “I’m sorry.”

How to handle conflict! James 1:19-20 James 1:19-20 Don’t get angry….. breathe and relax Don’t get angry….. breathe and relax Romans 12:17-19 Romans 12:17-19 Don’t get even…… let God take care of it Don’t get even…… let God take care of it Romans 12:20-21 Romans 12:20-21 Be kind to your enemies Be kind to your enemies Don’t be overcome by evil, overcome evil with good Don’t be overcome by evil, overcome evil with good

Phil. 2: 1-2 We should be encouraged We should be encouraged United in Christ United in Christ Comforted from His love Comforted from His love Have fellowship with the Spirit Have fellowship with the Spirit Demonstrate tenderness and compassion Demonstrate tenderness and compassion Like-minded Like-minded Have the same love Have the same love Be one in spirit and purpose Be one in spirit and purpose

Phil. 2: 3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit But in humility consider others better than yourselves But in humility consider others better than yourselves Look after our own interests Look after our own interests and also the interests of others and also the interests of others

Phil. 2: 5-8 Your attitude should be the same as whose? Your attitude should be the same as whose? What was His attitude like? What was His attitude like?

Application 1 A good friend hurts your feelings? A good friend hurts your feelings? –Natural response –Supernatural response

Application 2 You work really hard on a group project for school and do most of the work. Then another group member gets recognized for the outstanding project. You work really hard on a group project for school and do most of the work. Then another group member gets recognized for the outstanding project. –Natural response –Supernatural response

Application 3 In the dinning room, someone trips you carrying your tray filled with food. Everyone laughs at you and you feel totally embarrassed. In the dinning room, someone trips you carrying your tray filled with food. Everyone laughs at you and you feel totally embarrassed. –Natural response –Supernatural response

Tips for friendships Learn to enjoy other people Learn to enjoy other people Learn to accept those who are different than you Learn to accept those who are different than you View others as God’s creation View others as God’s creation It is not what you get out of the relationship, but what you can give to the relationship that is important It is not what you get out of the relationship, but what you can give to the relationship that is important

Tips for dating couples Group date with other couples & singles Group date with other couples & singles Proceed slowly Proceed slowly Protect your emotions Protect your emotions Communicate and share your thoughts Communicate and share your thoughts Avoid being alone to control the “physical” Avoid being alone to control the “physical” Pray together Pray together Pray for your future spouse whomever it will be Pray for your future spouse whomever it will be

The Marriage Relationship 90% of Americans get married 90% of Americans get married 50% of marriages end in divorce 50% of marriages end in divorce God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) What can we do? What can we do?

Tips for Men… Love your wife as Christ loves the church Love your wife as Christ loves the church Treat your wife with the deepest respect Treat your wife with the deepest respect Never put your wife down or make fun of her in public Never put your wife down or make fun of her in public Always speak highly of her Always speak highly of her Help her as much as you can Help her as much as you can Pray for her and with her often Pray for her and with her often Thank her for all she does Thank her for all she does

Tips for Men (continued) Protect her Protect her Support her Support her Share your feelings with her Share your feelings with her Listen to her Listen to her Make her feel special Make her feel special Identify her love language and use it Identify her love language and use it Leave no doubt in her mind that she is #1 Leave no doubt in her mind that she is #1

Tips for Men (continued) Ask her often if there is anything you can do for her Ask her often if there is anything you can do for her Do it Do it Pick up after yourself – she is not your mother Pick up after yourself – she is not your mother Help with the housework and kids Help with the housework and kids Continue to date her after you’re married Continue to date her after you’re married

Tips for Dads The most important thing you can give to your children is your “time.” The most important thing you can give to your children is your “time.” The most important thing you can do for your children is to “love their mother.” The most important thing you can do for your children is to “love their mother.”

Tips for Women Submit to your husband’s leadership Submit to your husband’s leadership Support him in his endeavors Support him in his endeavors Enjoy his companionship Enjoy his companionship Create a home where he loves to be Create a home where he loves to be Help him overcome his feelings of inadequacy Help him overcome his feelings of inadequacy Pray for him and with him often Pray for him and with him often

Tips for both The purpose of marriage is companionship – enjoy each other’s company The purpose of marriage is companionship – enjoy each other’s company In God’s eyes you are one In God’s eyes you are one You are a team, not opponents You are a team, not opponents Cooperate, don’t compete Cooperate, don’t compete Help each other as much as possible Help each other as much as possible

Tips for both (continued) Allow for the imperfections of the other Allow for the imperfections of the other Always try to be on the same page Always try to be on the same page Live on a budget Live on a budget Live on less than you make Live on less than you make Happiness does not come from the abundance of your possessions, but rather in the quality of your relationships Happiness does not come from the abundance of your possessions, but rather in the quality of your relationships

Healthy Relationships

The End