Assertiveness Training

What is an assertive personality? You are assertive when you stand up for your rights in such a way that the rights of others are not violated –Implies that you can express your personal likes and interests –You can talk about yourself without being self-conscious –You can accept compliments comfortably –You can openly disagree with someone –You can ask for clarification –You can say “NO”

What about those who don’t show assertive behavior? People who show relatively little assertive behavior do not believe they have a right to their feelings, beliefs, or opinions. They reject the idea that they are equal to others They have difficulty objecting to exploitation or mistreatment They grew up doubting themselves and looking to others for validation and guidance

What are the 3 basic styles of interpersonal behavior? Aggressive – opinions, feelings, and wants are honestly stated, but at the expense of others –Advantage – get what they want –Disadvantage – make enemies and people avoid them Passive – opinions, feelings, and wants are withheld altogether or expressed indirectly –Advantage – minimizes responsibility for making decisions –Disadvantages – low self-esteem and having to live with others decisions

What are the 3 basic styles of interpersonal behavior? (cont) Assertive – opinions, feelings, and wants are clearly stated without violating the rights of others –Advantage – active participation in making decisions, getting what you want without alienating others, emotional and intellectual satisfaction of respectfully exchanging feelings and ideas, and high self-esteem

What is your script for change? Look at your rights, what you want, what you need, and what your feelings are about the situation Arrange a time and place to discuss your problem that is convenient for you and the other person Define the problem as specifically as possible’ Describe your feelings so that the other person has a better understanding of how important the issue is to you Express your request in one or two easy to understand sentences Reinforce the other person to give you what you want

What if the other person doesn’t get it? In some cases, positive reinforcement may be ineffective If the person seems resistant or you’re having trouble motivating them to cooperate –Utilize negative consequences for failure to cooperate –Most effective ones are descriptions of the alternative way you will take care of yourself if your wishes aren’t met If we can’t leave on time, I’ll have to leave without you. Then you’ll have to drive over later on your own.

LADDER script L ook at your rights and goal in the situation A rrange a time and place to discuss the situation D efine the problem specifically D escribe your feelings using “ I” statements E xpress your request simply and firmly R einforce the other person to give you what you want

Is body language important to assertiveness? Yes, it portrays confidence in what you are saying and doing Important body language cues: –Maintain direct eye contact –Maintain an erect body posture –Speak clearly, audibly, and firmly –Don’t whine or use an apologetic tone of voice –Make use of gestures and facial expressions for emphasis

Is listening important to assertiveness? Yes, it is just as important for you to hear the other person as for them to hear you Sometimes you will need to deal with an issue that is important to the other person before they will be able to focus on what you have to say. –This is especially true when what you want conflicts with long unspoken and unmet needs of the listener Steps to listening assertively –Prepare –Listen and Clarify –Acknowledge

Learn how to avoid manipulation Broken record Content-to-process shift Defusing Assertive delay Assertive agreement Clouding Assertive inquiry Laughing it off Accusing gambit The beat-up Delaying gambit Why gambit Self-pity gambit Quibbling Threats Denial