How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk Part III Alternatives to Punishment Tuesday May 14, 2013

Alternatives to Punishment How have the last few months been going in your attempt to change the way you view discipline and talking with your child? Have you developed a sympathetic ear and emphatic response? Have you experienced success? Share those stories with us!

Alternatives to Punishment Parents have told us how upset they get with themselves when they revert back to old patterns of behaviors The difference now is they are actually hearing themselves This is the first step towards making change

Alternatives to Punishment To punish or not to punish? “If you don’t punish kids, they will try to get away with everything” “How will my child learn that what he did was wrong and not to do it again if I don’t punish him?” The authors then ask parents to discuss how they felt when they were punished as children. Do this now.

Alternatives to Punishment Punishment can lead to feelings of hatred, revenge, defiance, guilt, worthlessness, and self-pity. In other words, punishment in most forms is not effective and elicits completely unrelated but equally as damaging emotions in children Punishment does not accomplish the goal the individual sets out to achieve

Alternatives to Punishment But what if we give up punishment? Children should experience the consequences of the misbehavior, but not the punishment. The punishment does not change the behavior it only elicits negative emotions and self-views of children But suppose a child continues to disobey you. Isn’t it alright to punish them then?

Alternatives to Punishment By punishing the child, we deprive them of the important process of facing his own actions or misbehaviors Punishment in this framework is viewed as a distraction from the behaviors It creates an unnecessary power struggle between parent and child that takes away from the bad behaviors themselves

Alternatives to Punishment What can we do instead? Discuss now what alternatives to punishment you use in your home or have seen used elsewhere. How were these situations successful? How did they fall short of a successful outcome?

Alternatives to Punishment ◦ Point out a way to be helpful ◦ Express strong disapproval (without attacking character) ◦ State your expectations ◦ Show the child how to make amends ◦ Offer a choice ◦ Take Action ◦ Allow the child to experience the consequences of his/her behavior

Alternatives to Punishment Scenario 1 ◦ You are at the grocery store and your child will not stay next to the cart (or in the cart) ◦ Walk through the Alternatives to Punishment to address this situation Scenario 2 ◦ Now give examples of common issues you experience in your own household and use the group to walk through the alternatives with you

Alternatives to Punishment When a problem persists and the alternatives do not seem to be working, the problem may be more complex than it originally appeared. We can look to a more detailed problem solving method for those situations

Alternatives to Punishment Step 1: Talk about the child’s feelings and needs Step II: Talk about your feelings and needs Step III: Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreed upon solution Step IV: Write down all ideas-without evaluating them Step V: Decide which suggestions you like and don’t like and develop your plan of action

Alternatives to Punishment Use the scenario 1 from the previous slide and walk through the problem solving stages with the child. You would discuss these situations after the problem has arisen in a calm environment when you are both ready Trying to problem solve when you are in the heat of the moment will not be successful!

Alternatives to Punishment The hardest part of this process is the shift we have to make in our own attitude We must begin to focus on children as people with ideas and their own world views, as we discussed in our last presentation, children have their own view of reality and we must not dismiss this perception and how it plays into their reactions to situations

Alternatives to Punishment It does require a huge leap of faith to be open with a young person, but children flourish when we acknowledge their feelings and state our own This is a significant step in modeling appropriate responses to situations by how we react and interact with children