Handling Disagreements Avoiding Poison Patterns Adapted from Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage, Revised (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).

Our Mate Has an Emotional “Bank Account” 1. Affection and care act as deposits Regular deposits keep the marriage strong and resilient 2. Tensions and hurts act as withdrawals 1 negative interaction makes a withdrawal worth deposits

All Couples Have About the Same Degree of Conflict Key difference among couples is how conflict is managed About 80% of differences cannot be resolved Happy couples don’t let disagreements poison their friendship; distressed couples do

What Is Your Parents’ Conflict Style? 1. Volatile You value frankness and passionately fight and make up 2. Validating You value closeness and seek to understand each other 3. Avoidant You tolerate differences and don’t argue much Each style has strengths and weaknesses Key is for you both to find a shared style

5 Poison Patterns to Avoid I These habits quickly drain warmth and safety 1. Criticism: Blame Game 2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing

5 Poison Patterns to Avoid II These habits quickly drain warmth and safety 1. Criticism: Blame Game 2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing 3. Contempt: Painful Put-downs

5 Poison Patterns to Avoid III These habits quickly drain warmth and safety 1. Criticism: Blame Game 2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing 3. Contempt: Painful Put-downs 4. Negative Interpretation: Looking for Dirt 5. Withdrawal: Hide & Seek

What Issues Cause Conflict for Couples?

Issues that Cause Conflict Money Children Sex In-laws Independence Substance abuse Communication Careers Housework Recreation Religion

Issues Alone Don’t Usually Cause Fights Most issues come out during stressful incidents Often the only times couples discuss issues We often avoid talking about emotionally loaded topics

Issues Come Out During Incidents Unresolved issues build up pressure Erupt when triggered by incidents Worst times to deal with issues Issues Incident s Need to gain control over issues or they will control you

Tool: Time Out 1. Discuss examples of “Time Out” or “Pause” words or gestures you have seen in other couples 2. Discuss what word or gesture your couple might use Use before a conflict gets destructive Break for 20 minutes or postpone discussion to a later agreed-upon time

Agree to Discuss Issues Apart from Incidents 1.During a triggering incident, agree to talk at a later time Create the time and safety to understand each other Meet later Write each other first Go for a walk 2. Protects friendship time Dispels fear of explosive incidents Calms concerns about never talking about issues

Couples Can Learn to Handle Conflict Well Reverse these poison patterns and repair their damage Make their relationship safe and protect their friendship Use disagreements to build closeness

Tool: Discussion Strategies 1. Think about what might be the best way you could communicate with your partner about an issue that bothers you. Consider good examples you have seen 2. Share this with each other. 3. Look for a strategy you could agree on.