Editing Business Messages for Clarity

 Using concise wording  Changing wordy phrases to single adverbs  Removing statements of the obvious  Removing empty of needless adverbs  Removing repetition and redundant words

 If you can’t put your message into clear and concise terms, you cannot expect results to match your goals  One of the most important skills a manager can have is the ability to clearly express ideas, suggestions, strategies and tactics

 “What is he/she trying to say?”  “Where is he/she going with this?”  “What is his/her point?”  “When will this /presentation/letter end?”  Or...  “I’m lost!”

 This usually happens when people use too many words to try to say what they mean: speaking or writing

 We were taught to focus on quantity over quality:  Essays (minimum word count)  Time specification for presentation

 Be Concise!  The word concise means, “using less to say more”  ‘trim the fat’ off of your messages!

9 More is in vain when less will serve. Isaac Newton

10 Redundancies Writing zeroes Needless adjectives and adverbs Needless passive voice

11 absolute guarantee my personal opinion blended together bright green in color guarantee my opinion blended bright green

12 already existing alternative choices at the present time presently basic fundamentals completely eliminate continue to remain currently being empty space first began had done previously introduced a new mix together never before none at all now at this time period of time private industry separate entities start out still persists whether or not

13 it is my intent to show that= 0 as a matter of fact= 0 as is well known= 0 it is noteworthy= 0 the presence of = 0

 I’m sending this to notify employees of the new regulations.  Edited:  Please note the new regulations

16 at this point in time replace with now at that point in time replace with then has the ability to replace with can has the potential to replace with will in the event that replace with if in the vicinity of replace with near owing to the fact that replace with because the question as to whether replace with whether there is no doubt but that replace with no doubt

17 Vibration measurements made in the course of the Titan flight test program were complicated by the presence of intense high-frequency excitation of the vehicle shell structure during the re-entry phase of the flight. Vibration measurements made in the Titan flight were complicated by intense high-frequency excitation of the vehicle shell during re-entry.

18 The objective of our work is to obtain experimental data that can be used in conjunction with a comprehensive chemical kinetics modeling study to generate a detailed understanding of the fundamental processes that lead to engine knock. Our objective is to obtain experimental data to be used with a chemical kinetics model to explain the processes that lead to engine knock.

19 rather unique slows down well demonstrated The achievement of our success relies very heavily on a rather detailed understanding of the somewhat complex processes that govern gas velocities. unique slows demonstrated Our success relies on understanding the complex processes that govern gas velocities.

 Consider this sentence:  Wordiness is a word that is often used by many people to express the idea that something that was written by someone in a larger number of words could have been expressed in a smaller number of words (38 words).  It’s not difficult to make this sentence more concise, but I’m using an easy lard-laden sentence in order to demonstrate a strategy for revising prose to be more concise.  Use the following strategies when you have a more complicated sentence that is filled with lard. 20

 What does repeated mean?   Sometimes (in legal documents, for example), repetition is needed for clarity  However, when it can be avoided, we should do so

 Consider this sentence:  I gave the files to the file-clerk to be filed in the filing cabinet  Ah! Let’s edit that, shall we?  I gave the files to the clerk to be put in the cabinet.  Much better!

 Repeating word roots  Repetition is about patterns: if refers to the habit of repeating roots, words, or phrases needlessly  Example:  A)Repeated Root: We will meet for the meeting.  Edited: We will have a meeting.

 Example:  B) Repeated Word:  Our department’s managers should try to keep their managers’ needs in mind, when we are shaping policies that may affect many of the managers in the company.  Edited:  Our department's managers should try to keep our needs in mind when we are shaping policies that may affect many of the executives in the company.  Note: Notice how the word managers is repeated for clarity, but it unnecessary. It can be replaced by a pronoun or by a synonym (a word that means the same thing)

 Repeating Phrases  This is easy to spot as well and can be easy to fix.  Example:  C) Repeated Phrase:  This week, we will begin a progress report on the profits from the first quarter, to compare with the progress report of the profits from the last quarter  Edited:  This week, we will begin a progress report on the profits from the first quarter to compare with the one from the last quarter

Wordiness is a word that is often used by many people to express the idea that something that was written by someone in a larger number of words could have been expressed in a smaller number of words. Eliminate what seems easiest. Wordiness is a word often used by many people to express the idea that something written by someone in a larger number of words could have been expressed in a smaller number of words. We now have eliminated 4 words – it’s a start. 26

 What is a preposition?  Examples?

 Therefore, a prepositional phrase is a phrase that results when a group of subordinate words begin with a preposition.  After the meeting, we will call the customers in Dubai

 When are they wordy?  Sometimes a prepositional phrase can tell us about the manner of something  He edited the memo in a careful manner.  Remember these?

Wordiness is a word often used by many people to express the idea {means} that something written by someone in a larger number of {more} words could have been expressed in a smaller number of {fewer} words. Wordiness means that something written in more words could have been expressed in fewer. That move cut 20 words, so we now have 14 total. 30

If the sentences refers to both writing and speech, then no need to specify writing. Wordiness means that something written in more words could have been expressed in fewer. (14 words) Wordiness means using more words than necessary. (7 words). Note: be certain the phrase is expendable. 31

Wordiness means using too many words. From 38 to 6 words.  When you first start editing for conciseness, it may be unsettling because a document you thought was finished may be reduced to little more than a few paragraphs.  When that happens, consider what you have not included such as specific details, examples, analogies, etc. and develop your writing to fulfill the intended purpose. 32