COM 110 Interpersonal Communication & Relationships

Agenda (6.23) Chapter 6 Interpersonal Communication Chapter Goals In-class assignment – Make Your Conversations More Effective Midterm One on Ones Chapter 7 Interpersonal Relationships-Goals In-Class Assignment Next Steps

Chapter 6 Goals Explain the principles of conversation, the role and types of turn-taking in conversation and its dialogic nature Define immediacy, flexibility and politeness in conversation Communicate effectively in making small talk, apologies and complimenting Figure 2.3

What is Interpersonal Communication? Interpersonal Communication is communication that occurs between 2 people that have a relationship and who are thus influenced by each other’s communication messages. Interpersonal Communication is communication that occurs between two persons who have a relationship and who are thus influenced by each other’s communication messages. This includes almost any interaction between two people as soon as a message is sent and received. Interpersonal communication exists on a continuum from relatively impersonal to highly personal The more impersonal the interaction, the more likely the interactants will respond to each other according to social roles (e.g., taxi driver and passenger); the more personal the interaction, the more likely the interactants will respond to each other as unique individual (e.g., father and daughter) The more impersonal the interaction, the more likely the interaction will be governing by societal rules; the more personal the interaction, the more likely the interactions will be governed by personally established rules The more impersonal the interaction, the less likely the interaction will be emotionally laden or include self-disclosure

Definition of Interpersonal Communication Almost impossible for communication between 2 people not to be interpersonal With social media does interpersonal end up being group? Levels of how personal Interpersonal Communication is communication that occurs between two persons who have a relationship and who are thus influenced by each other’s communication messages. This includes almost any interaction between two people as soon as a message is sent and received. Interpersonal communication exists on a continuum from relatively impersonal to highly personal The more impersonal the interaction, the more likely the interactants will respond to each other according to social roles (e.g., taxi driver and passenger); the more personal the interaction, the more likely the interactants will respond to each other as unique individual (e.g., father and daughter) The more impersonal the interaction, the more likely the interaction will be governing by societal rules; the more personal the interaction, the more likely the interactions will be governed by personally established rules The more impersonal the interaction, the less likely the interaction will be emotionally laden or include self-disclosure

Interpersonal Continuum

TED Talks: Technology - how personal? http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together?language=en

Principles of Conversation Development Process Turn-taking Dialogue Immediacy Flexibility Politeness

Conversation is a Development Process: 5 Steps Business Feedforward Feedback Conversation – takes place in five steps; however keep in mind the wide range of forms in which conversation can take place – face-to-face as well as via the Internet – and the similarities and differences between them. Opening - the greeting; in face-to-face conversation may be verbal or nonverbal, but usually both; in CMC generally verbal; as video and sound are added to CMC the differences between openings in CMC and FTF interaction diminish Feedforward - opens the channels of communication with phatic communication (“small talk”) and usually previews future messages NOTE: in CMC and written communication the feedforward function may be served by headers, subject lines, and inclusion of who will receive CCs. Business - the substance and focus of the conversation; longest part of the interaction; directed toward achieving some goal (to learn, to relate, to influence, to play, to help) Feedback – the reverse of the second stage; reflecting back on the conversation; usually done immediately in FTF interactions or with response function on email Closing - the good-bye; signals the end of accessibility; may signal some degree of supportiveness; may summarize the interaction not all conversations can easily be divided into these five steps different cultures vary the basic steps Opening – phatic Communication – message that establishes a connection between 2 peoples and opens up channels for more Meaningful conversation Closing

Principles of Conversation Turn-Taking – throughout speaking- listening process, speaker and listener exchange cues for what are called conversational turns. Form of metacommunication as it enables speaker and listener to communicate about the communication The Principle of Dialogue – dialogue of more than simple conversation In dialogic communication each person is both speaker and listener and interactants exhibit respect and concern for each other and their relationships, striving for mutual understanding and empathy. In monologic communication no genuine interaction exists; one speaks without real concern for the other person’s feeling or attitudes and focuses only on personal goals. Monologic communicators Engage in negative criticism and judgments Use manipulative and dysfunctional communication patterns Offer few if any listening cues Rarely ask for others’ opinions or perspectives Ask listeners for ego-building feedback   The Principle of Immediacy – the joining of the speaker and listener; the creation of a sense of togetherness, mutual interest, attraction, and attention. To communicate with immediacy express psychological closeness and openness through nonverbal cues use the person’s name focus on the other’s remarks acknowledge the presence and importance of the other show expressiveness through nonverbal cues express immediacy with cultural sensitivity Copyright ©2011, 2008, 2005 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

The Principle of Turn-Taking Speaker Cues Turn-Maintaining Turn-Yielding Listener Cues Turn-Requesting Turn-Denying Back-channeling and interruptions Listener cues – to regulate a conversation a listener may use Turn-requesting cues Directly stating a desire to speak (e.g., “I have something to say”) Use of paralanguage (e.g., “er” or “hmm”) Facial cues (e.g., lifting eyebrows, opening mouth) Turn-denying cues – used to indicate reluctance to take speaker role Intoning a direct refusal (“I don’t know” or “I have nothing to say”) Avoiding eye contact with person wishing to yield floor Engaging in behavior incompatible with speaking (e.g., coughing) Backchanneling Cues – used to communicate information back to the speaker without assuming speaker role Indicating degree of agreement or disagreement through smiles, frowns, gestures, or vocalizations Indicating involvement or boredom through posture, body orientation or eye contact Regulating speaker’s rate of speech through verbal (e.g., “You need to slow down”) and nonverbal (e.g., gesturing speaker to speed up) pacing cues Asking for clarification either through verbal interjection (e.g., “Who?”) or nonverbal cues (e.g., a puzzled look)

Figure 6.2 Quadrant 1 represents the speaker who wants to speak (continue to speak) and uses turn-maintaining cues Quadrant 2 the speaker who wants to listen and uses turn-yielding cues Quadrant 3 the listener who wants to speak and uses turn-requesting cues Quadrant 4 the listener who wants to listen (i.e., continue listening) and uses turn-denying cues Back-channeling cues would appear in quadrant 4, because they are cues that listeners use while they continue to listen

In-Class Assignment: How to Make your Conversations More Effective Instructions: Read the six guidelines for effective small talk found on p. 131 in the Essentials of Human Communication textbook. Provide two personal scenarios (you have experienced or you have seen or heard about) where you found yourself feeling awkward when it came to small talk.  Provide some suggestions on how you could have made the situation less awkward by using effective small talk.  Be sure to include at least three of the guidelines found on page 131.

In-Class Assignment: How to Make your Conversations More Effective Present your assignment to the class

How to Steal A Conversation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jl3pdlys7zc The Principle of Dialogue – dialogue of more than simple conversation In dialogic communication each person is both speaker and listener and interactants exhibit respect and concern for each other and their relationships, striving for mutual understanding and empathy. In monologic communication no genuine interaction exists; one speaks without real concern for the other person’s feeling or attitudes and focuses only on personal goals. Monologic communicators Engage in negative criticism and judgments Use manipulative and dysfunctional communication patterns Offer few if any listening cues Rarely ask for others’ opinions or perspectives Ask listeners for ego-building feedback   The Principle of Immediacy – the joining of the speaker and listener; the creation of a sense of togetherness, mutual interest, attraction, and attention. To communicate with immediacy express psychological closeness and openness through nonverbal cues use the person’s name focus on the other’s remarks acknowledge the presence and importance of the other show expressiveness through nonverbal cues express immediacy with cultural sensitivity Copyright ©2011, 2008, 2005 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved. Think Fast, Talk Smart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAnw168huqA The Principle of Dialogue – dialogue of more than simple conversation In dialogic communication each person is both speaker and listener and interactants exhibit respect and concern for each other and their relationships, striving for mutual understanding and empathy. In monologic communication no genuine interaction exists; one speaks without real concern for the other person’s feeling or attitudes and focuses only on personal goals. Monologic communicators Engage in negative criticism and judgments Use manipulative and dysfunctional communication patterns Offer few if any listening cues Rarely ask for others’ opinions or perspectives Ask listeners for ego-building feedback   The Principle of Immediacy – the joining of the speaker and listener; the creation of a sense of togetherness, mutual interest, attraction, and attention. To communicate with immediacy express psychological closeness and openness through nonverbal cues use the person’s name focus on the other’s remarks acknowledge the presence and importance of the other show expressiveness through nonverbal cues express immediacy with cultural sensitivity Copyright ©2011, 2008, 2005 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

The Principles of Dialogue Dialogue is more than simple conversation. During a dialogue each person is both speaker and listener, sender and receiver. Objective of dialogue is mutual understanding and empathy. Listener cues – to regulate a conversation a listener may use Turn-requesting cues Directly stating a desire to speak (e.g., “I have something to say”) Use of paralanguage (e.g., “er” or “hmm”) Facial cues (e.g., lifting eyebrows, opening mouth) Turn-denying cues – used to indicate reluctance to take speaker role Intoning a direct refusal (“I don’t know” or “I have nothing to say”) Avoiding eye contact with person wishing to yield floor Engaging in behavior incompatible with speaking (e.g., coughing) Backchanneling Cues – used to communicate information back to the speaker without assuming speaker role Indicating degree of agreement or disagreement through smiles, frowns, gestures, or vocalizations Indicating involvement or boredom through posture, body orientation or eye contact Regulating speaker’s rate of speech through verbal (e.g., “You need to slow down”) and nonverbal (e.g., gesturing speaker to speed up) pacing cues Asking for clarification either through verbal interjection (e.g., “Who?”) or nonverbal cues (e.g., a puzzled look)

Monologue Opposite of dialogue. One person speaks, the other (s) listen Listener cues – to regulate a conversation a listener may use Turn-requesting cues Directly stating a desire to speak (e.g., “I have something to say”) Use of paralanguage (e.g., “er” or “hmm”) Facial cues (e.g., lifting eyebrows, opening mouth) Turn-denying cues – used to indicate reluctance to take speaker role Intoning a direct refusal (“I don’t know” or “I have nothing to say”) Avoiding eye contact with person wishing to yield floor Engaging in behavior incompatible with speaking (e.g., coughing) Backchanneling Cues – used to communicate information back to the speaker without assuming speaker role Indicating degree of agreement or disagreement through smiles, frowns, gestures, or vocalizations Indicating involvement or boredom through posture, body orientation or eye contact Regulating speaker’s rate of speech through verbal (e.g., “You need to slow down”) and nonverbal (e.g., gesturing speaker to speed up) pacing cues Asking for clarification either through verbal interjection (e.g., “Who?”) or nonverbal cues (e.g., a puzzled look)

Principle of Immediacy Immediacy is the creation of closeness, a sense of togetherness, of oneness between speaker and listener Principle that most clearly defines effective conversation Often used to make people like us Be careful as not all cultures or people respond the same way

Principle of Flexibility To be effective conversationalist, must be flexible Analyze situation Consider choices Weigh advantages and disadvantages Competently communicate your choice

Principles of Politeness Conversation is expected to follow the principles of politeness. 6 Principles of Politeness: Maxim of tact Maxim of generosity Maxim of approbation Maxim of modesty Maxim of agreement Maxim of sympathy

Conversational Coolers & Warmers

Small Talk Guidelines & Contexts for Small Talk Noncontroversial Short in duration Airplane small talk? Guidelines for Effective Small Talk Be positive Be sensitive to leavetaking skills Stress similarities vs. difference Elaborate Avoid monologuing Topics you select - avoid gossip

Small Talk Videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMkmZXYbHng https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHoesTIav_E https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F-S6rgf1-E

Apologies & Compliments What’s significant about apologies, excuses, compliments, and advice?

Key Word Quiz Textbook Page 135

Chapter 7 Goals Describe the advantages and disadvantages of interpersonal relationships and assess your own relationship in light of those advantages/disadvantages Explain the stages of interpersonal relationships and provide examples of he types of messages that occur at each stage Define friendship, love, family, workplace and online-only relationships Explain the theories of interpersonal relationships and apply the insights to your relationships Figure 2.3

Advantages/Disadvantages of Interpersonal Relationships The Stages of Interpersonal Relationships – relationship generally develop gradually through six stages. Contact – the initial stage includes perceptual contact (seeing, hearing, perhaps smelling) another person and interactional contact (exchanging basic information that is preliminary to any more intense interaction) Involvement – experimenting and trying to learn more about the other person; may include testing a partner to find out how he or she feels about the relationship by asking questions, intensifying interactions, self-disclosing more, increasing contact, etc. Intimacy – making a further commitment to the other; usually divided into two stages: interpersonal commitment (private commitment) and social bonding (announcing the commitment to others). Deterioration – weakening of the bonds between friends or lovers; begins with intrapersonal dissatisfaction (viewing one’s partner more negatively) and progresses to interpersonal deterioration (withdrawing, growing apart, little or no communication).

What are the six stages of interpersonal relationships? The Stages of Interpersonal Relationships – relationship generally develop gradually through six stages. Contact – the initial stage includes perceptual contact (seeing, hearing, perhaps smelling) another person and interactional contact (exchanging basic information that is preliminary to any more intense interaction) Involvement – experimenting and trying to learn more about the other person; may include testing a partner to find out how he or she feels about the relationship by asking questions, intensifying interactions, self-disclosing more, increasing contact, etc. Intimacy – making a further commitment to the other; usually divided into two stages: interpersonal commitment (private commitment) and social bonding (announcing the commitment to others). Deterioration – weakening of the bonds between friends or lovers; begins with intrapersonal dissatisfaction (viewing one’s partner more negatively) and progresses to interpersonal deterioration (withdrawing, growing apart, little or no communication).

Certain communication patterns occur in this stage: withdrawal: creating greater physical space between you and your partner; less eye contact; less talk; less listening decline in self-disclosure deception: creates a climate of distrust and disbelief negative versus positive messages: decrease in positive, confirming message; increase in negative, criticizing ones Repair – some relational partners seek to repair their relationships; others do not. Repair occurs in two phases: intrapersonal repair and interpersonal repair. Dissolution – cutting the bonds; usually first takes the form of interpersonal separation (moving apart; leading separate lives) and then social or public separation (avoidance of each other and return to “single” status). Steps to take to ease the pain include: Break the Loneliness-Depression cycle Take Time Out: resist temptation to jump into a relationship Bolster self-esteem Seek Support: tell your friends and family about your situation

Interpersonal Relationship Types Friendship Love Primary relationships & families Each relationship is unique; however, research has identified some general types of relationships: Friendships of reciprocity: the ideal type; based on equality Friendships of receptivity: an imbalance in giving and receiving exists using due to a difference in status or power; however, each person gains something from the relationship Friendships of association: transitory often based on proximity rather than loyalty, trust, mutual giving and receiving Love means different things to different people; and the type of love within a relationship can change as the relationship develops. Hendrick and Hendrick (1990) identify six types of love: eros: seeks beauty, sensuality, and physical attractiveness ludic: seeks entertainment; sees love as a game storge: sees love as growing out of friendship, not passion pragma: sees social qualifications of the others as important manic: obsessive love agape: compassionate, selfless love

Work Relationships Networking Mentoring Workplace Romance Bullying

Online-Only Relationships Tweeting Blogging Social Networking – FB, Google+, Myspace

Cyberbullying 18% of 13-18 year olds have reported cyberbullying 33% of 12-17 year olds said they were threatened by things said about them online Thoughts? Examples? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5PZ_Bh-M6o

Theories of Interpersonal Communication and Relationships Attraction Relationship rules Social penetration Social exchange and equity

Attraction Is Based On…… Physical attractiveness and personality Similarity Proximity Reinforcement Attraction theory holds that people form relationship because of attraction to another based on factors that include: physical attractiveness and personality: generally people tend to like physically attractive people more than physically unattractive people as well as feel a greater sense of familiarity with attractive people (i.e., think they have met them before); a pleasant personality also contributes to perceptions of attractiveness similarity: people tend to be attracted to people similar to themselves in nationality, race, abilities, physical characteristics, intelligence, and attitudes, although some people are attracted to their opposites in a pattern called complementarity (e.g., someone who is dominant may be attracted to someone who is submissive) proximity: closeness because of where one lives or works may figure into who one finds attractive (e.g., people tend to become friends with people they can easily interact with because of proximity) reinforcement: being granted rewards or favors may figure into attraction as might the ability to grant rewards or favors

Relationship Rules Theory Friendship rules Romantic rules Family rules Workplace rules Relationship Rules: the general assumption of rules theory is that relationships are held together by adherence to certain rules that help interactants to clarify aspects of the relationship (e.g., the difference between successful and destructive behavior, ways to repair the relationships, what can be said, what should remain unsaid, etc.) These rules differ from relationship to relationship and from culture to culture Friendship Rules: according to rules theory, maintaining a friendship depends on knowing the rules of the friendship (e.g., standing up for a friend in her absence, being tolerant of a friend’s other friends, keeping confidences, demonstrating emotional support in times of need, celebrating successes, etc.) and having the ability to apply appropriate interpersonal skills Romance Rules: Leslie Baxter (1986) has identified eight major relationship rules that keep romantic partners together: acknowledge each other’s individual identities and lives beyond the relationship express similar attitudes, beliefs, values, and interests enhance each other’s self-worth and self-esteem be open, genuine, and authentic with each other remain loyal and faithful to each other have substantial shared time together reap rewards commensurate with investments relative to the other experience a mysterious and inexplicable “magic” in each other’s presence

Social Exchange Theory You develop relationships that will enable you to maximize your profits Based on economic model: Profits = Rewards – Costs social exchange theory holds that people develop relationships that enable them to maximize their profits rewards are things that would incur costs to obtain (e.g., money, status, love, information, goods, services) costs are things people generally try to avoid (e.g., working overtime, washing dishes) According to the theory, people seek relationships in which their rewards are significantly greater than their costs equity theory follows from social exchange theory and holds that people develop and maintain relationships in which the ratio of their rewards relative to their costs is approximately equal to that of one’s partner; i.e., in satisfactory relationships each person reaps rewards that are proportional to her or his costs If both parties are reaping equal rewards but one person perceives the other as incurring less costs, an imbalance in equity is present and the person incurring more costs is likely to be less satisfied with the relationship e.g., both people work, but only one does housework – the person doing the housework will probably be dissatisfied with the relationship because of the lack of equity.

Equity Theory Equity theory: One step further from social exchange – you develop and maintain relationships in which the ratio of your rewards relative to your costs is approximately equal to your partner’s social exchange theory holds that people develop relationships that enable them to maximize their profits rewards are things that would incur costs to obtain (e.g., money, status, love, information, goods, services) costs are things people generally try to avoid (e.g., working overtime, washing dishes) According to the theory, people seek relationships in which their rewards are significantly greater than their costs equity theory follows from social exchange theory and holds that people develop and maintain relationships in which the ratio of their rewards relative to their costs is approximately equal to that of one’s partner; i.e., in satisfactory relationships each person reaps rewards that are proportional to her or his costs If both parties are reaping equal rewards but one person perceives the other as incurring less costs, an imbalance in equity is present and the person incurring more costs is likely to be less satisfied with the relationship e.g., both people work, but only one does housework – the person doing the housework will probably be dissatisfied with the relationship because of the lack of equity.

Key Word Quiz Textbook Page 154

Discussion/Homework Week #6 End of Module #6 Assessment- Due Sunday night, 6.28

Next Steps