Deborah Gilboa, MD THE POWER OF FAILURE How Great Adults Let #WAICtikicon

If you could wave a magic wand... What do you want kids to learn?

hap·pi· ness: noun good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy INGREDIENTS: 1.Confidence 2.Competence 3.Relationships

Wait… You DO have a magic wand! CAMP

WHAT DO THEY LEARN AT CAMP? Get in the water Get on stage Touch nature Meet someone new Answer questions about themselves Ask about others Be honest Try something new Climb something Go where they’ve never been Read a map Make fire Cook something Write a skit Teach a lesson Learn a lesson ___________

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES The Myth: “Getting involved will make us both feel better!” The Truth: Stepping back helps kids become adults.

7 WHY WOULD WE LET THEM TRY? Proves independence Leads to competence Builds relationship Teaches resilience.

STATS Sallie Mae study of undergrads: average credit card balance is $3,173 US Census Bureau: 2010 adults age living at home ↑26% to 5.9mil >2/3 parents give their adult children $$$ support (doubled in 20 yrs)

SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013

“Students who reported having over- controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.” THE COST

WHAT CAMPS KNOW Childhood is for learning: Independence Competence How to build relationships Stepping back a little strengthens kids. Independence → RESILIENCE

But why, exactly? Love Empathy Helpfulness Greater resources Experience Habit Genuine enjoyment Fear Responsibility Overwhelming Deteriorating Future consequences Risking the relationship GUIL T.

RESILIENCE CHALLENGES  Mistakes  Accidents  Pain  Social consequences  Judgment from other parents  Haters  11:00 News…

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBER Adult involvement supports Safety Growth Learning Adult intervention harms Confidence Competence Relationships

GUIDE THEIR PLAN Let life teach the lesson! Praise the process. Play “What if?” Read a book or watch a show. What would you tell a friend? MISSION STATEMENT/CONTRACT “I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”

PARENT PARTNERING Focus on the child Favorite song? Their child’s name! What do you know? What do you like? GOAL SHARING! Recognize the parent as that child’s expert Share decision-making

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