Raising Confident and Successful Women Thursday, November 12, 2015 S.M.A.R.T. Inc.

Confident girls are secure in themselves, make positive choices, are empathetic, think critically, express themselves both intellectually and emotionally, pursue their passion/interests, demonstrate resiliency.

 Media marginalizes women by portraying archetypal, stereotypic personalities who are preoccupied with physical appearance, competing with other women, and finding a man.  Media imposes value in physical appearance that supersedes intellect, experience, and other abilities/capabilities.

 Comments we make about other women  Gossiping  Purposefully including/excluding others  Allowing daughters to wear revealing clothing  Types of clothing/makeup we purchase for our children including prom attire

 Social Media is a barometer for popularity.  Watch #Being13 on CNN to understand how important social media is tied to this generation’s sense of self, popularity and how cruel kids can be toward each other.

 Have conversations about appropriate content to post.  Reinforce that deleted doesn’t mean DELETED.  Have access to your child’s account password.  Be familiar with social media sites and how to navigate them. (YouTube is a good source)  Be a friend or follower on your child’s account.  Ensure geo-tagging/locating is “off” with pictures.

 Growth vs. Fixed mindsets Carol Dweck, 2006  Mindsets are beliefs—beliefs about yourself and your most basic qualities. Think about your intelligence, your talents, your personality. Are these qualities simply fixed traits, carved in stone and that’s that? Or are they things you can cultivate throughout your life?

 Fixed Mindset - People believe their basic qualities, like intelligence and talent, are fixed traits. They also believe that talent alone creates success, without effort.  Leads to desire to look smart and therefore a tendency to avoid challenges, give up easily, see effort as fruitless, ignore useful negative feedback and feel threatened by the success of others.

 Growth Mindset - The belief an individual can learn more or become smarter if s/he works hard and practices. Thereby, creating a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.  Praise the process not the outcome. The Power of Yet, versus The Power of Now  Leads to a desire to learn and therefore a tendency to embrace challenges, persist in the face of obstacles, see effort as a path to mastery, learn from criticism and find lessons and inspiration in the success of others.

 Ask your child’s perspective vs. lecture to allow you to see where they are at on a situation. (“What do you know about…? What do you think about..?)  Use Socratic questioning versus direct statements. (Child: “Everyone at school hates me”… Parent: “What occurred that makes you believe that?” vs. “Of course everyone doesn’t hate you! You’re such a nice kid!”)

 Competence - the ability to handle situations effectively. Acquired through experience. Children need to develop a set of skills that allows them to trust their judgments, make responsible choices, and face difficult situations.

 Confidence - the solid belief in one’s own abilities. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to cope with challenges.

 Connection - having close ties to family, friends, school, and community. Children who have this are more likely to have a solid sense of security that produces strong values and prevents them from seeking destructive alternatives.

 Character - a fundamental sense of right and wrong. Children with character enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and confidence. They are more comfortable sticking to their own values and demonstrating a caring attitude toward others.

 Contribution - Children learning the world is a better place because they are in it. Children who understand the importance of personal contribution gain a sense of purpose that can motivate them. They will not only take actions and make choices that improve the world, but they will also enhance their own competence, character, and sense of connection.

 Coping - Children who learn to cope effectively with stress are better prepared to overcome life’s challenges.

 Control - When children realize they can control the outcomes of their decisions and actions, they’re more likely to know that they have the ability to do what it takes to bounce back. A resilient child knows they have internal control and that by their choices they determine the results.

 Recognize you are a powerful role model and what you say about yourself, others and the messages you send regarding women are being noticed.  Share your daughter’s passion so you can connect on that level.  Give choices when possible to promote decision-making and have your child feel a sense of control and empowered.  Have your child involved in team building activities and volunteerism.

 Avoid compliments about physical qualities  Make sure they understand the difference between sex and love.  Appreciate the decisive, passionate, assertive qualities in your daughters and help them channel it into positive directions.  Encourage “risks” in the sense of stepping out of the comfort zone to try new activities to continue to build in hard work equals success.

 Use media images, movies, message as conversation starters. Such as making comments and ask your daughters opinions about media’s portrayal of women in songs, movies, videos, commercials, books.  Share a definition of what it is to be a woman, feminine, beautiful, etc.  Help your child understand that the MS/HS “world” is its own world and that the things that matter to them now, will not be the same post HS.

It is a parent’s responsibility to always help guide, model and teach their child, regardless of age, what is right, kind and appropriate... And then let the child apply those lessons into their actions. We have lots of creative ways to keep instilling these messages so they don't come across as preaching & lecturing, but rather opportunities to explore and options to grow and learn.

 Dweck, Carol S., Ph.D. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House, 2006  Ginsburg, Kenneth R., M.D. Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your child Roots and Wings. American Academy of Pediatrics,  Houmayou, Ana, The Myth of the Perfect Girl: Helping Our Daughters Find Authentic Success and Happiness in School and Life. Perigee Trade, 2012  Pipher, Mary, Ph.D. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. Riverhead Trade, 2005   