DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Download this presentation from Webinar Emotion coaching Dr Tina Rae

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER How emotional intelligence develops  Influenced by environment and socialisation including parents, sibling relationships, teacher influences, peer relationships and others such as grandparents, carers and childcare workers.  Some children born with more difficult reactive emotional styles.  These children may need more input from parents/carers to teach them to regulate and manage emotional styles

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Parenting style  Represents standard strategies that parents use in bringing up their children.  Evolves over time as the children develop their own personalities moving through life's stages.  Is affected by both the parents' and children's temperaments.  Is largely based on the influence of one’s own parents and culture.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER 3 parenting styles – by Diana Baumrind 1. AUTHORITARIAN – parents telling their children exactly what to do 2. PERMISSIVE/INDULGENT – parents allowing their children to do whatever they wish 3. AUTHORITATIVE – parents providing rules and guidance without being overbearing 4. NEGLIGENT (the fourth style was added lately) – parents disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests)

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER What is emotion coaching and why is it important for families?  John Gottman has written a book on Emotion Coaching entitled ‘Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child’ EC is a technique that requires emotional awareness and a specific set of listening skills.  Develops ‘emotional intelligence’ in young people; term coined by Daniel Goleman, author of ‘Emotional Intelligence’.  Multiple studies support the finding that one of the most significant predictors of a child’s ‘success’ as an adult is their ability to get along with others; more salient than academic achievements/cognitive ability.  Children who are emotion coached learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems.  These young people are characterized by having high self esteem, they learn well, and have better relationships because they are adept at reading and understanding interpersonal communication cues.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Gottman’s theory extension of Dr Haim Ginott’s work with children  Much like athletic coaches, emotion-coaching parents teach their children strategies for dealing with life’s ups and downs.  They don’t object to their children’s display of anger, sadness, or fear.  Nor do they IGNORE them.  Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and use these emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Emotion coaching is not…  a quick fix  a panacea  a substitute for specific interventions  a therapy (i.e. we can ALL use it and develop our skills)  disapproving or dismissive of emotions.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER What informs it?  Neuroscience  Physiology of the physicality  Social constructivism  It directly affects CYP’s capacity to self-regulate through the recognition and management of the physiology of emotional response

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Emotion coaching involves:  teaching them ‘in the moment’ about the world of emotion  supporting the development of strategies to deal with ups and downs  accepting ALL emotions as NORMAL  using moments of negative behaviour as opportunities for teaching  building trusting and respectful relationship with CYP.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Five key steps to emotion coaching 1. Become aware of the child’s emotion and especially notice lower intensity emotions such as sadness, disappointment or frustration. 2. View these emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching and try not to be impatient with expression of negative emotions. 3. Communicate your understanding and acceptance of these emotions. 4. Help child use words to describe what they feel. 5. Help set limits or help problem solve. You may also communicate that all wishes and feelings are acceptable but some behaviours are not.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER The teacher as emotional coach  The emotionally literate professional  Transfer of skills  Empathic and nurturing community  Key tools for behaviour management and prevention of difficulties

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER A three-step approach 1 Using scripts 2 Setting limits (if needed) 3 Problem solving with the child

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Step one – using scripts  I can see you get angry when that happens. I would feel angry if that happened to me. It’s normal to feel like that. Emotion coaching scripts – empathise, validate and label I can see you get angry when that happens. I would feel angry if that happened to me. It’s normal to feel like that. I can see that you are frowning and kicking the wall and you’re expressing loads of energy. I would be feeling like that if I didn’t want to do something. I noticed you looking round at the others who are working on their projects. I think you might be feeling a bit nervous at the moment that your work might not be okay. Have I got that right?

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Step two – setting limits Setting limits on behaviour scripts These are the rules that we all have to follow, doing that is not okay We can’t behave like that – even though you are feeling annoyed – because it’s not safe You didn’t put the ball away as we agreed, you’re probably angry that you can’t play with Billy now because you have to stop now

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Step three – problem solving with the child Problem solving with the child/young person scripts This isn’t a safe place to be angry. Let’s go to a safe place and then we can talk Next time you’re feeling like this, what could you do? How do you think you will react if this happens again? You need to sit next to Emma or in front of me – which do you want to do?

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Why emotion coaching improves behaviour 1. Emotion coaching is about responding to children when their feelings are still at a low level of intensity, which reduces the need for children to escalate their emotions and behaviour and provides a more optimal time to teach children about emotions. 2. If children are emotion coached from an early age they become well- practiced at self-soothing. They are more likely to stay calm, even when they are experiencing strong emotions. 3. Emotion coaching does not involve disapproval of children’s emotions so there are fewer points of conflict. At the same time, there are clear limits about inappropriate behaviour – children know the rules and the consequences for breaking them. 4. Emotion coaching creates a strong bond between parents/carers/teachers and children, so children are more responsive to their requests and feel respected and valued.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Emotion tuning – part of emotion coaching 1. Notice the emotion 2. Clarify with a question 3. Reflect the emotion 4. Locate the emotion in the body 5. Empathise 6. Explore E.g. Were you scared when you couldn’t find me? When Michael ignored you how did you feel? I wonder if you were frustrated when I asked you to share?

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Something to think about at the start  Thinking about your own parents or reflecting on conversations with friends.  What are some of the ways people can be dismissive of emotions? – E.g. Telling you not to worry.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Ways of dismissing emotions  Offer advice  Ask why a child did or said what they did  Tell a child not to worry  Talk only about yourself  Jump straight into problem solving  Take the side of the other person instead of listening to the child’s perspective  Offer distractions

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Emotion coaching communication  When you emotion coach you attend to the emotions the child experiences. This involves:  Thinking about how the child is probably feeling  Possibly considering a comparable situation for yourself  Helping the child put a verbal label on the feeling.  You may respond by asking: – Did that make you feel _____ when ______? – Were you feeling ______ when _______? – It sounds like that made you feel _________?  You may also respond by reflecting how you would feel in a similar situation – That would make me feel ______ too. – It makes me feel ______ when ______ happens also.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Reflecting feelings statements  It looks like you’re very happy.  You seem a bit sad.  I can see you are very frustrated.  Are you feeling annoyed?  It sounds like you were really scared.  How did you feel when your toy was taken?  I wonder if you’re a bit annoyed?  I bet that made you pretty grumpy.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER So, what is emotion coaching? Empathetic statements Name the feeling Validate the feeling

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER  Can pair comments about negative feelings with positive coping statements – E.g. “I can see you’re getting really frustrated when the tower keeps falling over but you keep on trying and hopefully it will stay up eventually.”  Avoid asking a child why they are feeling a certain way because they will often have no idea or not have the words to describe the reason

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Tantrums  Upstairs tantrum – Child decides to throw a fit – Could stop if they wanted to – Able to control emotions and make decisions – May look out of control – Needs firm boundaries and clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour  Downstairs tantrum – No longer able to use upstairs brain because so upset – ‘flipped their lid’ – amygdala has hijacked higher parts of brain – Needs nurturing, comforting and soothing – No sense talking consequences or appropriate behaviour

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Emotion coaching scenarios  You observe Braydon deliberately drawing on Jordan’s picture. Jordan gets angry and hits Braydon.  Harry comes in from playing outside crying and saying that he’s lost his jumper.  Sally suddenly scribbles all over her drawing and says ‘ I can’t draw I’m so stupid’.

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER Resources  Tuning in to Kids – emotionally intelligent parenting program by Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley (University of Melbourne, 2010)  Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman with Joan Declaire (Fireside Press 1997)  The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (Delacorte Press 2011)  Bringing Up Great Kids Parenting Program – Australian Childhood Foundation (2011)

DEVELOPING EXCELLENCE TOGETHER What to look at next from Optimus Education For non-members  Strategies for identifying and supporting stress in our pupils Strategies for identifying and supporting stress in our pupils  Protecting children: engaging the whole school community Protecting children: engaging the whole school community  Safeguarding essentials for the designated senior person Safeguarding essentials for the designated senior person For members  Promoting pupil wellbeing: implementing circle time Promoting pupil wellbeing: implementing circle time  Using positive psychology to boost pupil wellbeing Using positive psychology to boost pupil wellbeing  In-House Training - Managing Self-HarmManaging Self-Harm

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