Interpersonal Topics Emotion

I. Emotion Characteristics A. Physiological changes. – 1. Proprioceptive stimuli B. Nonverbal reactions. C. Cognitive interpretations. D. Types E. Intensity

II. Influences on emotional expression A. Culture & Social Conventions B. Inability to recognize emotions C. Fear of self-disclosure D. Power E. Emotional Contagion

III. Expressing Emotions A. Recognize your feelings B. Choose the best language – 1. Through single words – 2. Describe what is happening to you – 3. Describing what you’d like to do

C. Shared mixed emotions

D. Recognize the difference between feeling and acting E. Choose the best time to express your feelings F. Express your feelings clearly

IV. Managing difficult emotions A. Facilitative – Contribute to effective functioning – Balanced amount of emotion – Balanced duration of the emotion

B. Debilitative -Keep us from feeling and relating effectively – Unhealthy extremes of intensity (splitting) – Extreme duration – Caused by irrational thinking

C. Debilitative emotions caused by irrational thinking a.k.a. Fallacies of... – 1. Perfection – 2. Approval – 3. Shoulds / Oughts – 4. Overgeneralization a. base a belief on limited evidence b. exaggerate shortcomings

5. Helplessness 6. Catastrophic expectations 7. Causation – a. Thinking our behavior causes emotions in others prevents us from honesty – b. Thinking that others’ behavior causes our emotions.

Stimulus(gap)Response Event(thoughts)Emotions (person, words, circumstances) How it works...

Vicktor Frankl “Nobody can take away my freedom to choose how things will affect me. We have the power to choose our response.” Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can hurt you without your consent” Gandhi “They cannot take away our self- respect if we do not give it them”

From Blaise Pascal, Physicist “God has created a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person that only God fills through his son Jesus Christ.”

Managing Emotions Event, Circumstance, Words, Person, etc My thoughts about it / them An emotion that fits the thoughts Express if: 1. I need to for my health 2. Someone else needs to know it 3. Someone cares about me 4. Failure to express it will have worse results than expressing it would An emotion that fits the thoughts Express if: 1. I need to for my health 2. Someone else needs to know it 3. Someone cares about me 4. Failure to express it will have worse results than expressing it would An emotion that fits the thoughts Express if: 1. I need to for my health 2. Someone else needs to know it 3. Someone cares about me 4. Failure to express it will have worse results than expressing it would The part I do control & can challenge & Correct. Thoughts caused by: Family of origin influences, rational Thoughts or irrational thinking fallacies, My self-concept, my core beliefs & values, Attitudes, & worldview. I will control what I can, but I can’t Control all circumstances And I can’t control others (although I will try to positively influence by my own Reactions, and even loving, direct challenges to their Own thinking. But I cannot con them & they are Ultimately responsible for their own happiness & reactions just as I am for my own ). Martinson 2003

Counterfeit feeling expressions I feel that you are angry at me Why are being so mean to me? You make me furious I feel you are acting hateful to me

Consequences of unexpressed emotion What happens when we don’t express our emotions?

When we fail to express emotions accurately, it leads to A. Inauthentic (shadow) relationships

When we fail to express emotions accurately, it leads to B. Misunderstood perceptions C. Unresolved issues / lack of catharsis D. Hindrance for others – Lack of truth – Lack of fullness – Living with incompleteness (knowing or not) – Denying growth / possible repeating mistakes E. Leaking or exploding of emotions through other means

Which ones do we express / withhold? -Ephesians 4:15 “Speaking the truth in Love” -Balancing truth & love -Aristotle’s Golden Mean Not a middle-of-the-Road, but a maximizing of both -Rich’s expression: Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.

Emotion Exercise!

I. Poor listening behaviors 1. Pseudo-listening 2. Stage-hogging 3. Selective listening 4. Insulated listening 5. Defensive listening 6. Ambushing 7. Insensitive listening

II. Reasons we don’t listen 1. Message overload 2. Preoccupation 3. Rapid thought 4. Effort 5. External noise 6. Hearing problems 7. Faulty assumptions 8. Lack of apparent advantages 9. Lack of training

III. Tips for informational listening! 1. Talk less. 2. Get rid of distractions 3. Don’t judge prematurely 4. Look for key ideas 5. Ask questions 6. Paraphrase (but not parrott) – Restate what you thought they meant, request clarification.

Interpersonal Topics Listening

I. Poor listening behaviors 1. Pseudo-listening 2. Stage-hogging 3. Selective or insulated listening 4. Defensive listening 5. Ambushing 6. Insensitive listening

II. Reasons we don’t listen 1. Message overload 2. Preoccupation 3. Rapid thought 4. Effort 5. External noise 6. Hearing problems 7. Faulty assumptions 8. Lack of apparent advantages 9. Lack of training

III. Tips for informational listening! 1. Talk less. 2. Get rid of distractions 3. Don’t judge prematurely 4. Look for key ideas 5. Ask questions 6. Paraphrase (but not parrott) – Restate what you thought they meant, request clarification.

Listening Exercise!

Interpersonal Topics Conflict Management

I. Stages of Conflict A. Latent conflict B. Perceived conflict C. Felt conflict D. Manifest conflict E. Conflict aftermath

II. Personal Conflict Styles A. Nonassertion – Avoidance – Accommodation B. Direct Aggression C. Passive Aggression (discussed in Week #2)

II. Personal Conflict Styles (continued) D. Indirect Communication E. Assertion

V. Methods of Conflict Management A. Win-lose (competition) B. Lose-Win (accommodation) C. Lose-lose (sabbotage) D. Compromise E. Win-win (collaboration)

Win-Win steps... 1) Identify problem & needs for yourself 2) Find an appropriate time to talk 3) Describe the problem & needs to the other 4) Listen to the other’s point of view 5) Negotiate a win-win that attempts to meet needs (not wants) of both. Selfishness kills any hope for win-win. 6) Follow up on the solution

Win-win exercise