Emotions PACS 3700/COMM 3700 Feb. 3 & 5

Reminder: Readings (and ppts) are now only available from the online textbook—requires a voucher to access. Questions? Problems?

What is the relationship between: Rationality Conflict Emotions Communication Positive effect Negative effect Consider Lindner’s, Ashforth & Humphrey’s, Bar-Tals, and Stone et al’s answers. Are they the same? Different? How?

Stone, Patton, and Heen say difficult conversations have three different “conversations”… or layers… Difficult Conversations

What  Happened Feelings  <--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

The “What Happened” Layer “Rationality” colored by frames

The Feelings Layer 

Heat under the surface 

Emotions start to erupt….We can ignore it, let it go….

If you let the pressure build up, you get this!

How do you avoid this? What do Stone Patton & Heen say?

Stone, Patton and Heen advise to consider where the eruption is coming from.

The eruption is coming from pressure and heat that is even deeper down…. Psychologically… threats to identity, security, justice

What emotions do those threats give rise to? (Quickly record some answers—as many as you can think of quickly) Security Injustice Identity

What emotions do those threats give rise to? Insecurity  Fear Injustice  ?

What emotions do those threats give rise to? Security  Fear Injustice  Anger Identity  ?

What emotions do those threats give rise to? Security  Fear Injustice  Anger Identity  Indignation, Humiliation

What  Happened Feelings  <--Identity, (Security, and Justice) FOCUS ATTENTION HERE FIRST-->

What  Happened Feelings  <--Identity, (Security, and Justice)

<--Identity, (Security, and Justice) Consider the case of the lost file….

Application – The Lost File: 3.What are Vicki’s identity, security & justice issues? 4.What are Maria’s identity, security & justice issues?

Questions: 5.What are Vicky’s feelings (emotions) about this situation? 6. Find at least 4, maybe more…. 7.What about Maria?

Review of the “4 horsemen”: What are they?

Review of the “4 horsemen”: What are they? Criticism Stonewalling Defensiveness Contempt How do these relate to emotions? Do you see them in the “Lost File” dialogue?

Stone, Patton, and Heen’s rules for constructive conversations (they call them “learning conversations”)….

1. Look deep – what are the identity issues?

What do you do about identity issues?

1. What do you do about identity issues? Treat them gingerly! Respect them! Try to protect them (yours and theirs!)

4. Protect your own identity by: a.Avoiding the “all or nothing” syndrome b.“complexify” your identity c. keep your balance d. think long term

2. Identify and acknowledge your feelings. How do you do this?

3. Negotiate with your feelings What does this mean?

4. Express your feelings without judging, attributing or blaming. (I messages, 3- part messaging, describing the gap)

Dealing with your own anger – talking about it. VERY ANGRY, When you are VERY ANGRY with someone else,what do you typically do? And what happens? What approach(es) might work better?

When someone is angry with YOU… When someone is angry with you…what do you typically do? And what happens? What approach(es) might work better?

Dealing with the Anger of Others 1.Try to figure out what the person sees as unfair. 2.Ask for more information instead of shutting the other person off. Say, “Tell me more about that,” or, “I didn’t know you thought that. Tell me how you came to think that.” Then listen actively!

3.Never say, "You shouldn't be angry." Feelings are facts, too. 4.Ask if the other person will listen to you, too. 5.Ask what the other person needs or wants. 6.Ask for suggestions for solving the problem together.

7.Give ideas yourself. 8.Work toward common goals–things you both can agree on. 9.Say over and over that you expect that you will be able to work this out together. 10.End with, “I want to keep this from happening again. What can be done to learn from today?”

What if you are shamed or humiliated? What do you typically do? What happens? What might work better?

What if you are shamed or humiliated? Avoid the “all or nothing syndrome” Complexify your identity Focus on your strengths Apologize if appropriate Stand tall if not. (Mandela story)

How does this change when you are fearful? What do you typically do? What happens? What might work better?

How does this change when you are fearful? Assess what is making you afraid – Is it rational? – Is it helpful? – What can you do to increase your sense of security?

Let’s test this on another “case”… Anger management coaching – “after the party”

Now, let’s bring it home. In groups of 2, talk about a REAL conflict YOU have had—or witnessed—that was highly emotional. Did the people involve handle their emotions constructively? If you/they didn’t, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently, and/or what would you suggest they should do differently? Does that seem possible? If not, what are the obstacles to change?