Violence & Dating Information from “But I Love Him” By Jill Murray

What is Teen Dating Abuse? 1 in 3 girls will have an abusive dating experience by the time she graduates from high school 1 in 3 girls will have an abusive dating experience by the time she graduates from high school In America today, every 9 seconds a teenage girl is battered by someone with whom she is in a relationship. In America today, every 9 seconds a teenage girl is battered by someone with whom she is in a relationship. Definition: the intentional use of abusive tactics and physical force in order to obtain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner Definition: the intentional use of abusive tactics and physical force in order to obtain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner

Am I in Danger? Can you say yes to 5 or more of these statements? I have less friends now than before I started dating them. I have less friends now than before I started dating them. My grades have declined since dating them. My grades have declined since dating them. I am less outgoing and involved than before. I am less outgoing and involved than before. I cry often or feel sad. I cry often or feel sad. If he calls… I must answer. If he calls… I must answer. Exchanged “I love you” very early. Exchanged “I love you” very early. My partner is VERY jealous My partner is VERY jealous

Partner accuses me of behavior I don’t really do. Partner accuses me of behavior I don’t really do. My partner is aggressive (even if not towards you yet) My partner is aggressive (even if not towards you yet) Partner frequently roughhouses or play-wrestles Partner frequently roughhouses or play-wrestles Partner drinks or uses drugs Partner drinks or uses drugs Partner tells you how to dress, act, etc Partner tells you how to dress, act, etc They call you demeaning names, even if “joking” They call you demeaning names, even if “joking” You feel more self-conscience than before You feel more self-conscience than before

Some scary statistics 36% of female high school and college students said they had experienced some violence in a dating relationship 36% of female high school and college students said they had experienced some violence in a dating relationship As many as 50% of dating women suffer physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from their dating partners. As many as 50% of dating women suffer physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from their dating partners. The majority of violence (86%) occurs during a “steady”/ serious phase of the relationship The majority of violence (86%) occurs during a “steady”/ serious phase of the relationship

25% of female homicide victims are between 15 and 24 years old 25% of female homicide victims are between 15 and 24 years old 1 in 3 women who are killed in the US are murdered by their boyfriend or husband. 1 in 3 women who are killed in the US are murdered by their boyfriend or husband. Results of recent interviews with approximately 1400 students in rural North Dakota indicated that students from abusive households were 25 times more prone to dating violence than those from homes without abuse Results of recent interviews with approximately 1400 students in rural North Dakota indicated that students from abusive households were 25 times more prone to dating violence than those from homes without abuse 90% of men in prison come from abusive homes 90% of men in prison come from abusive homes

Why is dating violence so common? 1. Peer approval 2. Gender-role expectations 3. Lack of experience 4. Little contact with adult resources 5. Less access to societal resources 6. Legal issues 7. Substance abuse

Some fundamental truths The abused is in denial The abused is in denial Each person has free will Each person has free will The abused is a participant in the abuse The abused is a participant in the abuse The abused may not be a victim The abused may not be a victim All people have control over 3 things: All people have control over 3 things: Their own thoughts Their own thoughts Behaviors Behaviors Their own reaction Their own reaction

Love is a behavior Ask yourself: Ask yourself: 1. Do you think fear should be a part of a loving relationship? 2. Do you think it’s normal that a person in a good relationship should spend time crying? 3. Why do you need to let them know where you are at all times? 4. Why is it all right for him to call you names and make you feel bad?

Verbal and emotional abuse Verbal and emotional abuse can be the most devastating type of power and control. Verbal and emotional abuse can be the most devastating type of power and control.

Sexual abuse More than a million teenage girls will become pregnant this year. More than a million teenage girls will become pregnant this year. The US has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world. The US has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world. 60% of American teenage pregnancies will end in miscarriage. 60% of American teenage pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Of babies born to teenage girls, fewer than 10% will be placed in adoptive homes Of babies born to teenage girls, fewer than 10% will be placed in adoptive homes

Date Rape 67% of sexual abuse among teens 67% of sexual abuse among teens More than a 1/3 of college freshman girls indicate that they have been date raped at least once More than a 1/3 of college freshman girls indicate that they have been date raped at least once 56% had been raped by a date 56% had been raped by a date 30% have been raped by a friend 30% have been raped by a friend 11% have been raped by a boyfriend 11% have been raped by a boyfriend 78% did not tell their parents about the rape 78% did not tell their parents about the rape 71% did tell a friend 71% did tell a friend 6% reported it to the police 6% reported it to the police

Physical Abuse 97% of abuse is male to female 97% of abuse is male to female

Important things to know about abusive partners Abuse is a learned behavior Abuse is a learned behavior Abuse is not a natural reaction to an outside event Abuse is not a natural reaction to an outside event It is not normal to behave in a violent way It is not normal to behave in a violent way Abusers will deny abuse and/ or blame the victim Abusers will deny abuse and/ or blame the victim Abusers know what they are doing is wrong Abusers know what they are doing is wrong Abusive partners may be hard workers and good students Abusive partners may be hard workers and good students Abusers can be charming, loving, and gentle at times. Abusers can be charming, loving, and gentle at times.

Once an abuser… always an abuser? An abuser can change his abusive behavior if: An abuser can change his abusive behavior if: They understand that his behavior is inappropriate and abusive They understand that his behavior is inappropriate and abusive They don’t cast blame for his/her behavior onto his/her partner, parents, teachers, or anyone else They don’t cast blame for his/her behavior onto his/her partner, parents, teachers, or anyone else They take full responsibility for behavior They take full responsibility for behavior They have a desire to change They have a desire to change Follows up stated desire with actions Follows up stated desire with actions Actions are continuous Actions are continuous

PARENTS When parents give their daughters messages that deny their feelings and sense of reality, it is for the parents’ benefit and comfort, not the girls. When parents give their daughters messages that deny their feelings and sense of reality, it is for the parents’ benefit and comfort, not the girls. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Infatuation, Additive Love, & Mature Love *signs listed in your notes

Why teens don’t tell… Trouble identifying abuse Trouble identifying abuse Important to be in a relationship Important to be in a relationship Believes jealousy is “cute” (=love) Believes jealousy is “cute” (=love) Sees violence at home Sees violence at home She is afraid She is afraid Doesn’t want you to think she has poor judgment Doesn’t want you to think she has poor judgment Doesn’t want to lose her freedom Doesn’t want to lose her freedom Doesn’t want to break up Doesn’t want to break up Feels guilty Feels guilty

Legal Help Emergency protective order (EPO)- 5-7 days Emergency protective order (EPO)- 5-7 days Temporary restraining order: no fees, 3 weeks, no contact Temporary restraining order: no fees, 3 weeks, no contact Order to show or permanent restraining order- by a judge, 3 years unless you go back to court Order to show or permanent restraining order- by a judge, 3 years unless you go back to court

Healthy Dating Relationship Stage 1: Attraction Stage 1: Attraction Stage 2: Casual friendship Stage 2: Casual friendship Stage 3: Close Friendship Stage 3: Close Friendship Stage 4: Intimate friendship Stage 4: Intimate friendship Stage 5: Mature love Stage 5: Mature love

Making Good Life Choices: Things to look for in a partner Not involved with someone else Not involved with someone else Not on the rebound Not on the rebound Is open to being with you Is open to being with you Free of addictions Free of addictions Has time Has time Has high self-esteem Has high self-esteem Geographically desirable? Geographically desirable? Has several close friends Has several close friends Would want them as a friend Would want them as a friend Treats others well Treats others well