By Donna Brown

 A way of focusing your attention that can produce significant benefits  Opposite of multi-tasking

Rebecca Shafir writes “our environment with its constant bombardment of stimuli challenges your innate ability to relax and focus on one task at a time.”

 We listen to obtain information  We listen to understand  We listen for enjoyment  We listen to learn  Listen Effectively from “Hitch” GH8M GH8M

 We remember 25% to 50% of what we hear.  That means when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers, or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to half of the conversation.  Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness

 By understanding your personal style of communicating, you will go along way towards creating good and lasting impressions of others  The average person speaks at 125 words per minute, yet we can process up to 500 words per minute

 The process of listening, clarifying, giving feedback, and self-disclosing.  It involves the participation of both parties in verbal and non-verbal ways.  The use of “I” statements is imperative.

 Look the speaker in the face most of the time, especially look at his/her eyes  If you forget to make eye contact, speaker may think you are bored, withdrawn, or simply not listening  Be culturally sensitive: some individuals may be uncomfortable with too much direct eye contact

 Sit or stand in a comfortable position  Aim your body in the general direction of the speaker  Try to be relaxed  Be aware of other non-verbals: placement of arms, leaning forward when necessary, head nodding, degree of personal space, smiling

 State in your own words what someone has just said  Some common ways to lead into paraphrases are: What I hear you saying is…. In other words…. So basically how you felt was… What happened was… Sounds like you’re feeling…  The speaker has the chance to make the message more clear if he/she doesn’t think you really understood

 If something the speaker said is unclear, ask him/her a question to get more information  Asking questions make you an active, interested listener  The speaker can tell you have been listening enough to have a question and care enough to ask  Ask open ended questions:  Could you give me an example…

 When the speaker stops or pauses, make comments about the same subject  If you change the topic suddenly, she/he may think you weren’t listening  If the speaker asks a question, your answer can show you were listening  Use silence to your benefit versus attempting to fill the conversation with constant talk

 Feedback should always be given in an honest and supportive way  Empathy: identify with the speaker’s feelings. It can be difficult if you have different life experiences or would try a different solution  Openness: be a supportive, but neutral listener. Be careful of judgments.  Awareness: be aware of your own biases. We all have them, it’s human nature

Effective Listening: ixg ixg

 You think you already know what the speaker wants to say, before she actually finishes saying it. You might then impatiently cut her off or try to complete the sentence for her.  Even more disruptive is interrupting her by saying that you disagree with her, but without letting her finish saying what it is that you think you disagree with.  By interrupting the speaker before letting her finish, you're essentially saying that you don't value what she's saying. Showing respect to the speaker is a crucial element of good listening.  The "knowing the answer" barrier also causes the listener to pre-judge what the speaker is saying -- a kind of closed- mindedness.  A good listener tries to keep an open, receptive mind. He looks for opportunities to stretch his mind when listening, and to acquire new ideas or insights, rather than reinforcing existing points of view.

 Wait for three seconds after the speaker finishes before beginning your reply.  Three seconds is a good thing, because it gives the speaker a chance to fully vent his or her feelings.  Another strategy is to schedule a structured session during which only one person speaks while the other listens. You then switch roles in the next session.

 The listener is thinking about how to solve what he perceives to be the listener’s problem  He misses what the speaker is actually saying

 Schedule a separate session for giving advice  Politely ask if you may offer a possible solution  Wait for the speaker to clearly invite you to go ahead before giving advice

 Agreeing with the speaker during a debate is a sign of weakness  Feel compelled to challenge every point

 Debating should be scheduled for a separate session  Avoid dismissing the speaker’s statements  Instead affirm the points of agreement

 A person with an agenda will not simply listen  People can understand language 2-3 times faster than they can speak  Therefore the listener has time to think about other things while listening  The listener will use this time to plan their “next move”

 Make note of your internal motives while listening  You’ll eventually become conscious of your ulterior motives  They may unravel allowing you to let go and just listen

 Words can provoke a reaction in the listener  Red flag words trigger an unexpectedly strong reaction in the listener’s mind  The speaker may not have meant the word in the way the listener understood

 Ask the speaker to confirm whether she meant to say what you think she said  Try to stop the conversation, if possible, so you don’t miss anything else the speaker has to say

 A misplaced trust in the precision of words  Language is a guessing game  Meaning must always be actively negotiated  Words have unique effect in the mind of each person  Words work by pointing at experiences shared by speaker and listener

 Practice mistrusting the meaning of words  Ask the speaker supporting questions to cross-verify what the words mean to him  Don’t assume the words mean exactly the same to you as they do the listener  You can stop the speaker and question the meaning of the word

 People pay too close attention to detail  They miss the overall meaning  “trees” people-name characteristics in no particular order  “forest” people-sweeping, abstract, bird’s eye view  Good explanations usually provide both: the big picture and specific view

 Explicitly ask the speaker for the overall context or specific details as needed  Cross-verify by asking how the trees fit together with the forest  An accurate picture of how details fit together is crucial in understanding the speaker’s thoughts  Ask open ended questions

 “Splitters”-how things are different  “Lumpers”-how things are alike  Different mental styles can cause confusion  A listener who is an over-splitter can inadvertently signal that he disagrees with everything  That can cause noise and interfere with the flow of conversation  Achieve a good balance is important

 Ask questions to determine more precisely where you agree and disagree  By voicing points of convergence and divergence the listener can create a more accurate mental model of the speaker’s mind

 It takes a lot of concentration to be an active listener  Be deliberate with your listening  Your goal is truly hear what the other person is saying  Concentrate on the message; do not let your mind wander  Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase Is anybody listening? sTJI sTJI