Presented by: Christina Corson

Communication: The act or process of communicating. The imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs. Conversation: The informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words; oral communication between persons by talking. Crucial/Critical Conversations: These are conversations that happen when the risks are high, emotions run deep, and opinions differ. Dialogue: The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

Verbal Talking Shouting Whispering Written Non-Verbal Eye contact Facial expressions Body language Face to face

If two people can come together and discuss a problem or situation without letting their emotions take control, they have an opportunity to produce a better way of doing something and furthermore bond during the process. “You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere”. — Lee Iacocca

We can avoid them all together (lose). Face them and get too emotional and lose your point in your emotions (lose again). Face them and get our point across affectively (win).

Talking with a coworker who has offended you. Talking with a coworker who isn’t following protocol. Talking with a team member who isn’t keeping their word or contributing enough to the team. Talking with a patient or a patients family about an unfavorable test result.

Me: One opinion or feeling. You: Different opinion or feeling. Goal: Create a shared opinion or feeling. When this happens the groups IQ is expanded with more ideas and information. With more ideas you can collectively make better and more informed decisions. When the decision is shared, people are more willing to act on whatever decision is made. They have ownership.

Usually when faced with a failing conversation, we blame others. If everyone else weren’t so wrong, I wouldn’t have to resort to such behavior.

But the fact remains the only person we can change, inspire, prod and shape with any success is ourselves….the one in the mirror. We can’t control what others do or say; we only have direct control of ourselves. Practice dialogue and you will become skilled at dialogue.

Begin high-risk discussions with the right motives and remain focused.

When you find yourself moving toward silence or negative behavior during a conversation, STOP and remember your motives.

1.Ask yourself: “What does my behavior say about what my motives are?” 2.Clarify what you really want. “What do I want for myself, others, the organization?” 3.In conclusion ask: “How would I behave if this is what I really wanted?”

Usually when two people are on opposing sides they can’t seem to find any middle ground. Sometimes, each side is so stuck on their way that they miss out on a possible great solution because they are so emotional. Try to resist becoming caught in a situations where both options are bad. The worst of either/or thinking.

Clarify what you want. Add it to what you don’t want. Think about third options to bring you to dialogue.

1. Silence Withhold meaning from the conversation. People who react like this do this in fear of potential problems. People do this by completely avoiding the person. They mask by selecting showing our true opinions. They withdraw by exiting the conversation or exiting the room.

This verbal strategy attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. Controlling is done by forcing ones views on others by dominating the conversation (cutting others off, changing the subject, speaking in absolutes). Labeling is done by putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category. Attacking is done by belittling or threatening.

Learn to observe how you are reacting. Learn how to observe how others are reacting during a conversation. This will give you clues as how to better respond during a crucial conversation.

Watch for signs that mutual purpose is at risk. We end up in debate, defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, and circling back to the same topic.

Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust my motives?

Remember, the key to succeed in crucial conversations: We must really care about the interests of others– not just our own. The purpose has to be truly mutual. If your goal is to manipulate, it will quickly be picked up on and safety will be destroyed and we will resort back to silence or aggression.

What do I want for myself? What do I want for others? What do I want for the relationship? Look for the mutual ground here.

Did a friend ever give you difficult feedback and you didn’t get defensive? You trusted that what your friend was telling you was coming from a good place.

When conversations like these turn ugly it is because the person receiving the information believes it is coming from a malicious place. Mutual purpose is when others believe that we are working toward the same goal and that we care and respect them.

Mutual respect is the continuing condition of dialogue. If people perceive that they don’t have respect they conversation coming to a screeching halt. It then becomes about dignity. Signs that respect has been violated; people get emotional by pouting, name-calling, yelling, and making threats.

Apologize Contrast C.R.I.B.

When you have made a mistake and you hurt someone's feelings you should start with an apology. Be sincere. Sometimes you have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want.

Even with the best of intentions we can offend someone. Step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called Contrasting.

Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that: Addresses the other’s concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part). Confirms your respect and clarifies your real purpose (the do part). Example: Rebekah talking to her boss “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value this job or that I don’t think it is important to be on time for work. (the don’t part). “I want to be here on time” the do part). *Now you can explain what happened and what you are planning to do.

Sometimes there isn’t a misunderstanding but a difference in opinions. Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose. Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy. Invent a Mutual Purpose. Brainstorm New Strategies.

Make a commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone. Rebekah and her boss “What I am doing isn’t working, I am consistently late. However, I don’t want to continue to be late. Why don’t we work on a plan together to help me implement a way that ensures I will be on time”.

Ask people why they want what they are pushing for. Tell people why you want what you are pushing for. Example: Rebekah and her neighbor “I understand your children like to play outside, as I did too as a child, however I am a nurse that works midnights and I need to get some sleep during the day so I can perform my job.”

If after clarifying everyone’s purposes you are still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that is more motivating than the ones that kept you in conflict. Rebekah and her neighbor “I don’t want to make it so the kids can’t play outside. It is far better if we can come up with a time frame where the kids can have time to play outside and a time when they can play inside so I can have some quiet time to sleep.”

Join forces to come up with a solution that serves everyone. Rebekah and her neighbor: “Let’s come up with something that doesn’t compromise the kids fun and my quality sleep. If I can sleep from ? To ? Then the kids can play outside from ? To ?”

Remain safe. Watch for games. Me and others. Watching and building conditions. What to do. Start with heart. Focus on what you want. Learn to look. Make it safe. State your path. Explore what others want and why. Move to action.

Thank you! Any questions?