Skills for Difficult Conversations
Purpose Strategies for you to use and to share with your students. Increase ability to Advocate for yourself/your students Create opportunities for conversation where typically we might be silent Able to talk about issues of identity, power, culture, bias that affect each of us and your students Use conversation as a tool for social change
Objectives Identify a high stakes conversation Articulate changes in the body and brain that occur during conflict Explain and employ the STOP strategy for increasing self- awareness in conflict Identify own tendencies when feel unsafe in high risk conversations Identify the conditions for safety in a high risk conversation Identify and employ three techniques for restoring safety
0 People feel misunderstood, offended, no progress on the issue 10 Great, effective conversation, the message gets heard
High Stakes Conversations Happen When: The Stakes are High Opinions Differ Emotions Run High (from Crucial Conversations, Patterson, et al.)
Safety People can feel emotionally or psychologically unsafe in these situations. You might feel unsafe. OR the other person might feel unsafe. OR both! People can feel: Threatened Attacked Shamed Powerless Misunderstood Labeled as bad Not seen for who they really are
Start with you
Role Play Teams of two speakers and an observer Notice body language, notice how your body feels
How to tell: Am I feeling emotionally unsafe in this conversation? Our bodies react as if there were a physical threat.
Brain and Body in Conflict Adrenaline surge Blood diverted to muscles and limbs Brain gets less blood flow Hard to think clearly
Safety First: Bring the Brain Back Online with Mindfulness
STOP S = Slow down T = Take a breath O = Observe the body P = Possibilities Alexander Haley, Present Endeavors
How to tell: Is Someone Else Feeling Emotionally Unsafe in this Conversation?
Some ways that humans communicate when they feel unsafe: Passive Communication Safety is gained by not expressing honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs. When threatened, you back down. Benefits: ? Costs: ? Aggressive Communication Safety is gained by dominating others, putting others down. When threatened, you attack. Benefits: ? Costs: ?
If: You help the other person feel safe. Then: Maybe they will hear what you have to say.
Conditions for Safety Mutual Purpose Mutual Respect
Restoring Safety Apologize Name your mutual purpose State your intention: What you do mean What you don’t mean
Try it out Scenarios from earlier Scenarios from your site
Books and Resources Act on Life, Not on Anger, Matthew McKay Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when the Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, et al. Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior, Kerry Patterson, et al. Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn
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Questions? Sinda Nichols, LGSW Program Director Minnesota Campus Compact
Assertive Communication Communicating our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in an open, honest manner Alternative to being aggressive (abuse other people’s rights) and passive (abuse our own rights) “I won’t allow you to take advantage of me, and I won’t attack you for being who you are”
Self Reflection What do you have going for you, in terms of your current skills during tough conversations? What would you like to do even better in conversations where you feel threatened? What about when the other person feels threatened? When was a time when you got through a tough interaction without resorting to passive or aggressive communication? What was different about that/those times?