Domestic Violence Presenter: Vanessa Jenkins

No Guarantee You may face Abuse Even though you didn’t grow up with it Abusers often grow up with Abuse

Background: Grew up without Abuse in Family Fighting w/Siblings resulted in CHORES In Military, returned home to Beale … call friends --> met dates Dated for a Year…. Got to know him Respectful, Well thought of He Proposed…. Married He had 2 kids

Background: Adjustment Period after wedding One sided,,, watch kids, jobs, marriage Needed help managing kids & house He called Vanessa a Lousy Mom when she asked for Help. Lies Of Omission: Left out critical info. 3 Months: Verbal Abuse Started 6 Months: Physical Abuse Started Yelling….

6 Months: Physical Abuse Started : Grabbed Vanessa by Nape of Neck and Seat Pants.. ….threw her headfirst onto floor Vanessa was in Shock, Disbelief Blame Shifting: Next day Vanessa tried to talk about it…. “If you hadn’t make me mad I wouldn’t have had to hurt you “Control you” 3rd Day - He cried, apologized, ….. Best thing ever happened to me, Promise it will never happen again…

Honeymoon Period: Lasted 3 more Months till next Blow up. Build up: Verbal, Emotional… Ends in Physical Abuse

Background: 9, 12, 15,… Months: More Physical Abuse Fingers broken - Pearl Necklace Ribs - Matching Bracelett Rt. Foot - Earrings

Deal with Situation by: Left… Came back for the Kids Can’t take the Kids because he had Custody… Try to get Counseling… He wouldn’t go.. Cannot Fix the Other Person

Fix the Problem: Would having a baby help? Become trapped by responsibilities A BABY is not a Band-Aid for a BAD Relationship Taking the Baby and Leaving is KIDNAPPING

Getting Out: Contact Grandparents - take guardianship Fill out paperwork with District Attorney Can’t leave in good conscious with kids still in house. Sent Kids to Grandparents…& all their stuff. Getting ready to Leave… getting things out He was losing control, no kids to hold Vanessa,,, Vanessa’s mind set changed,,, so HE tried to grab control…

Getting Out: Daughter called her to see if she was going thru with Leaving him. Vanessa told Him… she was leaving He pushed her, she ran Dragged her by hair, she escaped to bedroom. He threw her onto bed, Jammed gun against her temple… All sudden he walked away to watching TV Vanessa left

Residual Control: Contacted her parents, siblings, friends, work Stayed with a Friend Contacted her at work Abusive People try to still exert Control by sending texts, letters,…. Insert their ideas into your head. Manipulate you

Were there Warning Signs during dating? Never talked about Mom, Father Brother, Sister Never mentioned Medication His parents problems…

Women Abusers: Mental - constant put downs… “stupid” Verbal Emotional - cry to get way… Manipulative - do this if you love me… Physical: Often use objects…

Male Abusers: Mental - constant put downs… “stupid” Verbal Manipulative - do this if you love me… Physical:

Kids Involved: Laws involving custody of Kids Stepmom taking kids = Kidnapper! Baby is not a Band-aide for a Bad Relationship.

Kids Involved: Baby is not a Band-aide for a Bad Relationship. Babies = 18 year involvement with Abusive Spouse He said / She said (no witnesses)

Domestic Violence Relationships: Parents Relatives Boy/Girl-friend Friends

Warning Signs for Vanessa: Present: Talk Get to Know Family How they Treat Parents Past: On Medication Abusive Parents Alcoholic Parents Bipolar, etc Dad left

Screening Future Mate: Present: Talk Get to Know Family How they Treat Parents

Stages of Stress Verbal Abuse: Name calling, Foul Lang. Blowup - Physical Abuse Honeymoon - Makeup

How to Get Help: Yuba-Sutter Mental Health 24 hr. Emergency/Crisis Line (530) Casa deEsperanza

How to Get Help: Teacher, Counselor

How to Get Help: 911 Yuba-Sutter Mental Health 24 hr. Emergency/Crisis Line (530) National Domestic Violence Hotline: SAFE (7233)

Resources: Oprah Winnfrey Love is Not Abuse

Conclusion: Dif. Communication Styles male/female Ex: Is that what your wearing? (how is it meant?)