What to say to get out of the Drama Triangle

Roles Review: Persecutor:  Criticizer – creates emotional “walls” in relationships  Aggressor (passively, too)  Base fear: being hurt Victim:  Feels attacked  Blames  Base fear: being unloved Rescuer:  Helping others more than themselves  Causes dependency from others (victims)  Base fear: being alone NOTE: Keep in mind that just as someone else can Persecute, Victimize, or Rescue you, you can ALSO Persecute, Victimize, or Rescue yourSELF!

Getting out of the Rescuer role:  Don’t give advice! Remember: Their choices for themselves are equally valid to what you would choose for them. Their choices may actually be even more valid as they are the ones who must directly live with them.  Tell them something specific and positive about their skills and abilities to handle the situation on their own.  It should be related to the issue at hand.  Ask them open-ended questions  Encourage them to find their own answer  Example →

Getting out of the Rescuer role: Example: “Remember when you were trying to decide what college to attend, and you were able to make the decision to come to Mt. SAC? You are a capable person; I know you will make the decision that is right for you.”

Getting out of the Victim role: Internal (to yourself)  Tell yourself you can do it!  Set DAPPS Goals  Dated, Achievable, Personal, Positive, Specific Example: “I can do this! I will get an A in my STDY 100 class before the end of the Spring semester!”

Getting out of the Victim role: External (to others)  Thank them for their concern  Let them know you can handle it on your own Example: “I appreciate your concern. Actually, I have already made a decision about how to go about choosing my major.”

Getting out of the Persecutor role:  Be positive!  Tell them something specific and positive about their skills and abilities to handle the situation on their own (and it should be related to the issue at hand)  Challenge them to move forward, for example, “You can do it!” Example: “You are a strong person! Remember when you were struggling in high school, and you came up with a plan to succeed and graduate on time? And you did that all on your own! I know you can use that same strength that is within you to accomplish this next step in your life.”

FOR ALL POSITIONS, REMEMBER…  Watch your body language  Watch the words you use  Avoid the following words:  But  If  Should  Try  Have to  Need  Must  Might

Now you try it!  Think about a time when you have been in the position of the:  Rescuer  Victim  Persecutor  Talk about your experiences with your teammates.  Discuss, then write down on chart paper, what you could have said to get out of each of the situations.  Check the guidelines to make sure your “solutions” are appropriate.