© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon1 After the Storm Resolving Post-Separation Conflict

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon2 The High Conflict Parent n Range of Behaviors (Johnston) 1. Verbal sniping, passive aggression 2. Arguments, interference 3. Aggression via the courts 4. Threats, stalking 5. Property damage 6. Physical violence, murder

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon3 The High Conflict Parent n How many divorcing parents are HIGH CONFLICT?

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon4 The High Conflict Parent n Costs (to parents) u attorneys, mediators, evaluators u therapists, counselors u time lost from work (e.g, hearings)

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon5 The High Conflict Parent n Costs (to parents), cont’d u day care u supervised visitation u drug/alcohol monitoring u lowered functioning

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon6 The High Conflict Parent n Public costs (taxpayers) u Court, judge, magistrate, security u Evaluation, mediation, counselors u Guardian ad litem u Children’s services u Schools

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon7 The High Conflict Parent n Costs to Your Children u Fear and worry u Loyalty tug-of-war u Anger and confusion u Emotional trauma, stress u Health problems u School problems u Future relationship problems

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon8 Reasons for Conflict n Failing the Tasks of Divorce 1. Unable to accept the failure of the marriage F In emotional shock F Can’t recognize both are wounded F Fault finding, blaming, revenge F Can’t see both points of view F Feeling personally rejected F Won’t seek personal help

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon9 Reasons for Conflict 2. Unable to recognize the divorce as a family crisis F Failure to protect the children F Failure to plan for financial health F Failure to plan the process of uncoupling

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon10 Reasons for Conflict 3. Unable to Perform the Psychological Tasks of Divorce F Limit and structure contact with “ex” F Find safe outlet for strong emotions F Find sounding board F Get help: Legal, psychological F Healthy perspective: Healing vs. revenge F Separate parenting from marital roles

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon11 Stages of Grief 1.Denial 2.Anger 3.Bargaining 4.Depression 5.Acceptance,moving on

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon12 Assumptions of Conflicted Parents n “My needs are more important.” n “The other parent cannot be trusted.” n “The other parent is a danger to my child.” n “My child will benefit in spite of conflict.”

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon13 Assumptions of Conflicted Parents n “Only my view of my child’s needs is valid.” n “My child must have one house, one set of goals, one set of rules.” n “My attorney must represent my interests at all costs”

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon14 Assumptions of Conflicted Parents n “The court must validate my point of view.” n “I may need to expend all assets.” n “Any level of anger/violence is justified.” n “Any reasonable person would agree with me.”

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon15 4. Resolving blame and guilt Try these sentence completions (and share with other parent) 1. I am angry at you for _____________________ 2. I am angry at myself for _____________________

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon16 4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d 3. I should have ________________________ 4. You should have ________________________ 5. I wish we could have ________________________

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon17 4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d 6. I am sorry for________________ 7. I want you to acknowledge __________________________ 8. I feel that you owe me_________ 9. I feel that I owe you ___________

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon18 4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d 10. I need to forgive myself for _________________ 11. I need to forgive you for ___________________

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon19 4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d 12. By knowing you, I learned and gained the following _____________________ 13. I have enriched you in the following ways ____________________

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon20 4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d 14. I wish _____________________ 15. I also wish _____________________

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon21 6. Increasing Child Focus Verbal or written exercise for parents (only include what both parents agree on) A. We have the following goals and hopes for our children:

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon22 6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d B. When our children become adults and look back on this period in their lives, we would like them to be able to say the following about us as parents:

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon23 6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d C. We as parents can achieve the two items above by doing the following together:

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon24 Ways to Avoid Conflict n Limit contact with your “ex” n Safe emotional outlet n Find a “sounding board” n Legal, psychological help n Healing vs. revenge n Parenting vs. marital roles

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon25 VIDEO EXCERPT

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon26 VIDEO EXCERPT 1.Why are these parents in conflict? 2.What “buttons” do they push?

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon27 VIDEO EXCERPT

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon28 VIDEO EXCERPT n What is each person thinking and feeling? 1.Wayne, the father 2.Karen, the mother 3.Bob, the boyfriend 4.Sarah, the daughter

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon29 Court Options n Temporary rulings n Restraining orders n Case management n Court-ordered services u Education u Mental health u Evaluations

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon30 Court Options n Mental Health u Co-parenting coordinators u Supervised visitation u Family, individual therapy

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon31 Court Options n Child and Family Evaluations F Home-based & behavioral F Focus on child’s needs F Assess parent’s capabilities F Assess causes, cures of conflict F Parents need accurate view of child and selves F Should lead to a flexible plan

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon32 Moderate Court Options n Education classes n Mediation n Collaborative Law n Safe exchanges

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon33 Conflict Reduction 1. Both parents need information on potential harm of conflict 2. Respond without escalation 3. Learn communication skills 4. Resolve blame and guilt 5. Focusing on the future 6. Increasing focus on children

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon34 Types of conflict n Destructive conflict u focus on winning (and retaliating for loss) u proving who is right n Constructive conflict u focus on problem solving

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon35 Using “Akido” n Accept conflict, move it out of harm’s way n Center yourself; take deep breaths n Don’t get defensive; accept other’s concern n Remain detached; ask questions n Work with other vs. challenging them

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon36 Communication skills n Make agenda, stay on one topic n Use “I” messages n Use “Active Listening” n Ask “open-ended” questions

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon37 “I” messages 1. Simple statement about how you feel: “I feel really frustrated when you……” 2. Simple request for a behavior change “I would like it if you could……”

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon38 Active listening 1. Listen to what the other person just said 2. Calmly say back what you think you heard 3. Ask if you got it right

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon39 Open-ended questions 1. Ask what the children need 2. Ask what the other parent needs 3. Ask how you can meet those needs

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon40 VIDEO EXCERPT The High-Conflict Exchange

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon41 VIDEO EXCERPT 1.What skills did you see each adult use? 2.What skills does each need to use? 3.What is the daughter feeling this time?

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon42 Parallel Parenting n Agree on common goals and standards n Negotiate how to reach goals for children n Communicate only about parenting activities n Business-like relationship

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon43 VIDEO EXCERPT An Example of Parallel Parenting

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon44 VIDEO EXCERPT What caused this problem? What is each person thinking & feeling?

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon45 VIDEO EXCERPT Parallel Parenting: A Better Way

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon46 VIDEO EXCERPT Mom’s Use of Skills: n Supervised Sean n Praised Sean n Clear expectations n Consequences

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon47 VIDEO EXCERPT Parallel Parenting: Another Better Way

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon48 VIDEO EXCERPT Mom’s Use of Skills: n Took responsibility n “I” message, request n Business-like tone n Active listening n Cooperative alliance

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon49 VIDEO EXCERPT Dad’s Use of Skills: n Frequent communication n Safe format for communication

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon50 Helping Children Adjust n Avoid Conflict u Carrying message u Money issues u Criticisms of the other parent u Quizzing about the other parent

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon51 Helping Children Adjust n Loss of Contact u Phone calls u s u Web cameras u Pictures u Calendars u Audio tapes

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon52 Focus on the Future n We cannot change the past. n We can control the future.

© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon53 Further Information The Center for Divorce Education P.O. Box 5900 Athens, OH