Pilgrimage Step 1: Home

The most important aspect of leaving home on this journey Is to reflect on the family of which we are a part.

What does family mean?

Family of origin refers to the significant caretakers and siblings that a person grows up with, or the first social group a person belongs to, which is often a person's biological family or an adoptive family.

Our early experiences have a major influence on how we see ourselves, others and the world and how we cope and function in our daily lives.

There are other influences on our families and us as well, including culture, class, and other social and biological kinships.

Now let's walk through a reflection about our families

Try to let your answers come from a place of openness -- what in Zen Buddhism is called a "beginner's mind."

Think about your family… Who did you grow up with? Who was in the house?

What was your relationship like with your dad?

What was your relationship like with your mom?

Which parent was the main care taker in the house?

Who were you closest with, and why?

Who were you not close with, distant from, or even in conflict with – and why?

Is there anyone else who is very close in the family? Or who are not close, in conflict?

What are some health issues your family has had to deal with?

In your family (even extended family) has there been struggles with Depression Alcohol or drug abuse

What role does education play in your family? Who has gone to high school? College? Beyond college?

What kind of work do people in your family do? Are there teachers, lawyers, doctors, business people, etc.?

What places does your family come from? Rural or urban? Are they immigrants to this country? What places around the country – or world – have they come from?

How has our history impacted your family? Has anyone in your family been in a war, or impacted by political or economic events?

What role does religion play in your family?

What Role Do You Play in Your Family? Family System Theorists have the interesting idea that in order to make dysfunctional families (Isn't that just about all of us?) run smoothly, different family members divide up the emotional responsibilities. They call the part we play in our family the "role".

HERO The family hero is the so-called "perfect child". He tends to be responsible, respectful, successful in school and probably even well dressed.

On the outside he can look capable, talented, conservative, serious, trustworthy, strong, superior, creative, busy, arrogant or angelic.

This child makes the family look good, and families like to look good. The message is "How can anything be wrong with a family that produces a child like this?“

A problem exists when the role is accepted and encouraged at the expense of the individual. On the inside The Hero often feels; anxious, inadequate, terrified of failure, angry, sad, lonely, worthless, ashamed or numb.

SCAPEGOAT The Scapegoat is the "problem child" or the "trouble maker".

He helps the family by taking the focus off the families' problems and pulling negative attention onto himself. Scapegoats often hear things like, "Everything would be fine if you would just stay out of trouble."

On the outside they often look; angry, sullen, strong, rebellious, wild, defiant, rude, tough or mouthy.

On the inside however, the scapegoat often feels – hurt, afraid to trust, rejected by the family, misunderstood, hopeless, blamed or betrayed.

LOST CHILD The Lost Child is usually known as "the quiet one" or "the dreamer". He stays out of the way of problems and spends a lot of time alone. The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero.

Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble, the family can say, "He's a good kid. Everything seems fine in his life, so things can't be too bad in the family.“

On the outside he looks quiet, creative, independent, agreeable, artistic, musical, soft-hearted, invisible, soft-spoken, lost in a book, and certainly avoidant of conflict. He strives to go unnoticed during family conflict so anger is never directed at him.

On the inside The Lost Child often feels left out, lonely, angry, fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, depressed.

MASCOT The goal of the family mascot is to break the tension and lighten the mood with humor or antics.

He is usually "the cute one." On the outside The Mascot may look; funny, carefree, attention seeking, charming, light- hearted, dramatic, lovable, needy, manipulative or immature.

On the inside he often feel – terrified, needy, confused, ashamed, left out, helpless, dependent, angry, guilty, lonely or insecure.

Which do you most relate to? How does this effect you? Do these shed light on anyone else in your family?

I don't want you to get the idea that functioning in one of these roles is automatically bad; it can actually set the stage for future success.

A problem only occurs if functioning in one of these roles has a limiting effect, and doesn't allow us to be unique individuals expressing our own particular set of skills, talents and abilities.

Knowing our history is an important piece in the puzzle.