Two Generations (My grandmother and I) 4a3c0105 林浣金 4a3c0089 陳真瑜 4a3c0055 張雨馨

I was born in a traditional Chinese family. The master and the owner of the house was my grandmother. She was born in Mainland China who migrated to South East Asia during World War II. The family members consisted of my grandmother, her younger sister who stayed single, a cousin who ran away from home after a big fight with his father, my parents, elder brother, younger brother and me. Total 8 people, try to imagine how complicated it could be

My grandmother was tall with slim built. She was a hard working, tough and capable woman who raised four kids by herself after the death of my grandfather in young age. Her skin looked tanned and her face was full of wrinkles as a result of the hard work in pig farm and exposure under the hot sun.

As an old time Chinese woman who lived in a patriarchal society, my grandmother favors boys over girls. As the only granddaughter, I neither had her love nor attention since young. Her attention went to my elder and younger brother. They had all the privileges and special treatment but not me. For example, my grandmother will offer them some snacks sometimes but not me. She brought lunch box to school for my elder brother but not me. But I was fine with that and still grew up happily being a naïve little girl.

During my teenage, my grandmother was in her 70s. Her character changed drastically at that time. She liked to accuse me for things I have not done. For example, my younger brother broke a glass and she heard the shattering noise, immediately, she shouted out my name and scolded me like mad. When she saw a room with a light on, she roared at me without knowing who actually did that. I was the victim being treated this way almost everyday. I was in anger all the time.

Neighbors were used to our fighting and yelling. Seeing things happened this way, my mother was very depressed. Sometimes, she stood at my side and fought against my grandmother together with me. Their relationship burst.

In her 80s, I was not in favor of arguing or fighting anymore. Ignorance is the best solution. She treated me worsen than before but I handled it well by ignored and walked away when she was about to start a fight. We hardly communicated and never look into each other’s eye.

One day, she reached my limit when she threw away my personal belongings from my room to the yard without reason. Thinking over this issue for two days, I made a hard decision. I wanted to move out from this house to end the war with my grandmother. I told my parents about my decision and reassure them I am old enough to take care of myself. Understanding how suffered I was, my parents were in silent even though they felt really sad for my decision.

I moved out the next day. It’s a heart aching and difficult decision because I have to live separately from my parents. At that time, it seemed that I was given no choice but to move out from this grandmother’s house to have a peaceful life. Ironically, I moved to a place which was just 15 minutes drive from home.

Sometimes, I blamed my father for not able to have his own house. I was thinking by having own place, I could have a better childhood and teenage. When I grew older, I decided to work in overseas so I left home far away. I wonder if it’s due to the unhappy memories that push me away from home.

My grandmother passed away the first year I worked in overseas. I was under probation with new job and I decided not to take leave to attend the funeral. I knew I have hatred and I hold on to this hatred.

I am deeply regret for this but whatever happened, happened. I can’t turn the clock back anymore. I think my grandmother and I had no faith in this life. What I can do now is to pray for her and may her rest in peace. As for myself, I pray to let go of all these negative emotion in one fine day.