“Watch Your Language! How Words affect your Mood & Mental Health” Dr Tim Dunne Consultant/Registered Clinical Psychologist Public Lecture delivered as part of Carlow Mental Health week, October 2015

Outline Words are not neutral Statements of Fact V. Statements of Value Vague Words Absolute Words Emotional Words Distancing Words Blame Words Social V Moral Guilt

Old Saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”

Fact V Value “Its 2 o’clock” A Statement of Fact can become a Statement of Value by Tone of Voice A Statement of Fact can even come to mean its opposite (eg) “Yeah right”, “Tell me about it” 85% of Human Communication is Non-verbal and Para-linguistic (ie) Tone, Rhythm, Cadence, Prosody, Speed,

Vague Words “She’s upset” “I’m feeling bad” “I’m stressed out” “Upset” can mean sad, distressed, angry, frustrated, disappointed “Bad” can mean guilty, ashamed Such words/phrases are too general with low Information Content for you or other people Avoid using these words and say what you mean (ie) “I’m sad/angry/frustrated/guilty” Name the emotion accurately to increase better communication with yourself and others

Emotional Words Traffic Reports on Radio “Nightmare” “Awful” “Terrible” on some stations On other stations it might be described as “heavy”, “delays” High Emotional Impact but Low Information Content Such words/phrases increase/elevate heart rate, GSR, adrenaline and cortisol production & our overall stress level They exacerbate the perceived difficulties/problems Go for descriptive, more accurate words such as “difficult/challenging/issue” Take ownership “I’m finding it difficult” rather than “Its terrible”

Absolute Words “Totally, Completely, Absolutely, Always, Never” High Emotional Impact but Low Information Content Such words/phrases allow for no exceptions and increase our despondency and hopelessness They can make us feel helpless They create seemingly insurmountable obstacles/problems to overcome Substitute words like “Relatively, fairly/ reasonably/ almost/ nearly”

Distancing Words “It / You/ One feels” These words/phrases distance us from what we are saying and make feelings appear objective – as if our emotions have a reality independent of us Take responsibility and use the “I” word more Own your own feelings

Problems, problems Unilever have banned the use of the word “problem” – why?

Blame Words Substitute the word “Issue” for “Problem” Use the word “Error” instead of “Mistake” Issue/Error are factual words Problem/Mistake are emotional words Issue/Error are non-judgemental, informational & non-emotional Problem/ Mistake are emotional, blame & judgemental

Pseudo Questions “Who do you think you are?/ What time do you call this?/ Why did I say/do that?” These are not real questions seeking an answer They are statements disguised as a question Identify the statement behind the pseudo Q Develop Compassion for yourself rather than beating yourself up

Moral V Social Guilt Moral Guilt Moral Guilt is only about 5% of all Guilt Moral Guilt is healthy Moral Guilt is the guilt we feel when we have broken one of our own moral or ethical values/standards To distinguish between the two types of Guilt ask yourself : “Have I broken any of my own ethical/moral rules here?” Social Guilt Social Guilt is the other 95 % of Guilt Social Guilt is unhealthy Social Guilt is endemic, all around us and begins from birth (eg) “Eat up all your din dins now or Mummy/Daddy will be very sad” Social Guilt = “How does an Irish Mammy change a light bulb?” Social Guilt is about relationships & manipulating and influencing someone else to do something we want them to do