Mean Tweens A Small Group Approach to Relational Aggression By Katrina Freine

Tearing Me Apart  Demonstration  Process activity

Bullying  16% of US school children reported being bullied in the current term  10% of students said they had been bullied but had not bullied others  6% said they had been bullied and had bullied others  13% bullied others but hadn’t been bullied themselves Source: National Institutes of Health (April 24, 2001)

Playground Statistics – Every 7 Minutes a Child is Bullied

What does bullying look like?  Physical bullying—harmful actions such as kicking, pushing, and tripping.  Verbal bullying—speaking to or about a person in an unkind way such as teasing, gossip, spreading rumors.  Relational bullying—alienating or rejecting a person to ruin friendships.

How can I tell it’s bullying and not just a normal conflict?  There is intentional harmful behavior directed toward another person.  The bully has more power than the victim and uses his/her power to dominate or harass the victim.  The behavior is unjustified and is usually repeated.  The victim feels terror of further bullying acts.

Males v. Females  Males tend to bully in a physically aggressive manner. Males tend to define themselves in terms of athletic prowess or physical ability. Females evaluate themselves in terms of their relationships with others.  Females tend to use manipulative techniques to harm their victim’s reputation or relationships with others.

Socialization of Girls  Girls are socialized to not be angry and aggressive.  Girls are taught to not tell one another the “ugly” truth.  Girls are socialized to be caretakers, valued for their relationships with others.  Strife in friendship=failure.

Relational Aggression  Behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others (Crick and Grotpeter, 1995).  Relational aggression is not a rite of passage.  Relational aggression is not a “normal” phase of growing up.

Examples of Relational Aggression  Exclusion  Malicious gossip  Rumor spreading  Teasing  Name-calling  Alliance-building  Covert physical aggression  Cyberbullying

Impact of Relational Aggression  Higher incidences among victims of: early parenthood school drop-out substance abuse criminal behavior school delinquency depression

Impact of Relational Aggression in Schools and the Workplace  Schools and employers face lawsuits for failure to protect and prevent the harmful effects of peer aggression within their organizations.

What can be done?  Adopt a zero-tolerance policy against bullying—including alternative aggression.  Educate teachers and administration so that bullying is no longer regarded as typical adolescent behavior.  Interrupt the cycle of peer support for bullying. Reward inclusive, prosocial behavior. Teach empathy and intervention strategies.

Getting Real with Girls  Talk about girls’ fears of conflict (losing relationships, hurting feelings, etc.)  Talk about what happens when girls hold feelings inside or hide them.  Be honest about your own aggression.  Commit to confronting conflict head-on.  Comfort each other.

Girl Victims’ Advice  Get help—find someone who will support you.  Shed unhealthy relationships.  Talk or write about your feelings.  Get involved in an activity you enjoy.  Take comfort in knowing that this is temporary.

How can counselors help victims of relational aggression?  Be aware of changes in the child’s attitude, behavior, and appearance.  Ask the child how children treat one another at school.  Be willing to listen and comfort the child.  Use role play to practice handling conflicts assertively.  Model assertive techniques for handling conflict.

How can counselors help the aggressors?  Assist the bully in achieving self- discipline. Help the child see what she has done. Give her ownership of the problem. Help her develop a process for solving the problem she created. Allow her to leave her dignity intact.

Salvaging Sisterhood Small Group Activities

References Coloroso, B. (2004). The bully, the bullied, and the bystander: From preschool to high school— how parents and teachers can help break the cycle of violence. Collins. Simmons, R. (2003). Odd girl out. Harvest Books. Taylor, J. V. (2005). Salvaging sisterhood. Youthlight, Inc. The Ophelia Project. (2006). Broken hearts…and the harsh reality of relational aggression. Retrieved August 29, 2007, from