The first duty of love is to listen. Eric Fromm

The most underrated comm skill A skill that can be learned

How well do you listen? 1) If I don’t agree with someone, I tune them out 2) When subject is boring, my attention wanders 3) When a subject is difficult, I have trouble concentrating. 4) When a subject is unpleasant I have trouble listening

How well do you listen? (cont) 5) As I am listening, I often think of what to say next 6) When I am the subject of conversation, I find it easier to listen 7) I look like I am paying attention, while I am not really listening at all. 8) I listen without thinking of questions to ask the speaker

How well do you listen? (cont) 9) When people ask me for advice, I give it to them 10) Listening to people’s feelings makes me uncomfortable 11) Other people have accused me of not paying attention. What’s your score?

Adults / Rankin College Students / Barker et al 1992

What is Effective Listening? Listening despite the difference!!! 1) Thought Speed vs Speech speed. thought speech wpm speech speed wpm 2) Difference of Opinion

Pseudo-listeners Selective listeners Defensive listeners Lazy - listener Take-turns listener Insecure listener. Competitive listener

Active. mentally involved with speaker not distracted / focused receive better rewards »better grades »more aware of events »avoid boredom - way of involving themselves Passive Listeners - record but don’t evaluate what they hear

Informational. gathering facts / info separate message from speaker always an opportunity GOAL - understanding Critical evaluate quality of message most useful in persuasive context GOAL - judge / analyze

Empathic Listening listening for feelings / emotions GOAL - develop / maintain relationships It’s easy!

Responses that hamper Empathic Listening Evaluating “ why don’t you stop trying?” Denying Feelings. “ You shouldn’t feel that way” Defending the other “ You have to understand his/her side”

Responses that hamper Empathic Listening Questioning “What did you do to make this happen” Expressing Pity. “ I feel so sorry for you” Being Philosophical “ Sometimes that’s the way things go”

Most Important Response that hampers Empathic Listening Giving Advice “ Go out and get a new job ” “ Drop the class ”

Take Advice Don’t Take Advice WorksDoesn’t Work Come back for more advice It’s your fault You Become Upset

Identify the Person’s Emotions Most difficult part listen w/ 3rd ear Boy! I could just kill Joe! Listen to the Story. no need to respond person just wants someone to listen to paraphrase when prompted Let the person work out the problem listening mostly solves the problem If not, ask questions… “What are your options?”

Ineffective Listening? Identify the main idea Identify supporting material Predict what will come next Relate to your own experience. Look for similarities / differences from what you already know