Listening Well for Counselling A Person-Centred Approach Compiled by Prof. Rajiv Kumar IIM Calcutta

Situation - 1 Woman (Age 30): "I've lived in this town for ten years now - and in the same apartment for seven years - but I don't know anybody. At the office I just can't seem to make friends. I just freeze up - I try to be nice to the other workers, but I feel all stiff and uncomfortable inside. And then I tell myself that I don't care. People aren't dependable - Everyone is out for himself. I don't want any friends - and sometimes I think I really mean that."

Types of Listening (1) a)Maybe your not wanting friends is just to protect you from something else. Such attitudes don’t help… (E) b)That's a pretty unhappy situation, to be without friends, and one that I would really work on. But it happens to lots of women in new jobs; slowly the situation gets better. (I) c)Well, I'll tell you what I can do. I can arrange for you to join a small social group. I send quite a few people there who have difficulty in making friends. Most want to start out by developing some hobby. This gives them something to do and permits them to make friends slowly and at their own pace. How does that sound to you? (S)

Types of Listening (2) (D) Possibly if you could tell me a little more about how you go about trying to make friends we could get a clearer idea of what is involved. (P) (E) It's gone on so long it almost has you convinced - is that what you mean? (U)

Situation (2) Young Army Officer (Age 30): What’s the use of anything? No one plays fair and square with a guy. The fellows with influence stayed at home and got all the breaks. They all take advantage of us while we sweat it out at the front. I hate their guts – everyone of them. They are all double-crossers. And my wife…?

Types of Listening (1) a)You started to say something about your wife…what was that, if you want to talk about it? (P) b)You feel they took advantage of you and it really makes you boil, isn’t it? (U)

Types of Listening (2) a)Maybe you resent the guys who have influence and stayed at home because you are jealous. You wish you could have stayed at home too. (E) b)Lots of people are angry too – and with good reason. But you’ll forget it as time goes on and you get things going again. (I) c)I understand how you feel about that, but it is going to keep you from getting anywhere, if you don’t try to get away from it. Try meditation when you get angry… (S)

Some Principles Who is the best expert about one’s problems? – That person himself/herself What is the job of the listener? – Facilitating the emergence of a home-grown solution Understanding the problem before judging the person – Reverse seems to happen a lot!