© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Leadership & Management Skills for Federal Managers Difficult Conversations: Handling challenging workplace interactions more effectively
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) What is a difficult conversation? Any interaction with another person that is difficult, challenging or unpleasant. Any interaction with another person that is difficult, challenging or unpleasant. Could happen anywhere: at work, home, social setting, church, grocery store… just about anywhere there are other people. Could happen anywhere: at work, home, social setting, church, grocery store… just about anywhere there are other people. Any interaction with another person that is difficult, challenging or unpleasant. Any interaction with another person that is difficult, challenging or unpleasant. Could happen anywhere: at work, home, social setting, church, grocery store… just about anywhere there are other people. Could happen anywhere: at work, home, social setting, church, grocery store… just about anywhere there are other people.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Difficult conversation examples Mundane unpleasant interactions Mundane unpleasant interactions –Telling your coworker he is not keeping up with his part of the work project. –Explaining and enforcing a new unpopular office policy. Seriously unpleasant interactions Seriously unpleasant interactions –Giving negative feedback to an employee. –Firing a coworker and friend. –Confronting a colleague’s inappropriate behavior. Mundane unpleasant interactions Mundane unpleasant interactions –Telling your coworker he is not keeping up with his part of the work project. –Explaining and enforcing a new unpopular office policy. Seriously unpleasant interactions Seriously unpleasant interactions –Giving negative feedback to an employee. –Firing a coworker and friend. –Confronting a colleague’s inappropriate behavior.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) What are difficult conversations you’ve encountered in your work?
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) How are most difficult conversations handled? Dictating- telling the other person to change. Dictating- telling the other person to change. Blaming- focusing on the other person being at fault. Blaming- focusing on the other person being at fault. Arguing- proving we’re right & they’re wrong. Arguing- proving we’re right & they’re wrong. Hinting- and then hoping they’ll get the message and change their behavior. Hinting- and then hoping they’ll get the message and change their behavior. Ignoring- doing nothing & hoping they change. Ignoring- doing nothing & hoping they change. Dictating- telling the other person to change. Dictating- telling the other person to change. Blaming- focusing on the other person being at fault. Blaming- focusing on the other person being at fault. Arguing- proving we’re right & they’re wrong. Arguing- proving we’re right & they’re wrong. Hinting- and then hoping they’ll get the message and change their behavior. Hinting- and then hoping they’ll get the message and change their behavior. Ignoring- doing nothing & hoping they change. Ignoring- doing nothing & hoping they change.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Do these work? Dictating Dictating Blaming Blaming Arguing Arguing Hinting Hinting Ignoring Ignoring
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) What can we do to make difficult conversations even more difficult?
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Interpret the world only from our own perspective and assume our view is the right one.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Same Info, Different Views
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Interpret the world only from our own perspective and assume our view is the right one. Seek to prove we’re right (argue). Seek to prove we’re right (argue). See things only in our own self interest. See things only in our own self interest. Seek to prove we’re right (argue). Seek to prove we’re right (argue). See things only in our own self interest. See things only in our own self interest.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Ignore and discount the other person’s perspective. Don’t account for their different information. Don’t account for their different information. Interpret the same information differently. Interpret the same information differently. Don’t listen. Don’t listen. Overlook their beliefs, emotions and values. Overlook their beliefs, emotions and values. Ignore situational contributions to behavior. Ignore situational contributions to behavior. Don’t account for their different information. Don’t account for their different information. Interpret the same information differently. Interpret the same information differently. Don’t listen. Don’t listen. Overlook their beliefs, emotions and values. Overlook their beliefs, emotions and values. Ignore situational contributions to behavior. Ignore situational contributions to behavior.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Stanford Prison Experiment 20 Healthy middle-class American male college students. 20 Healthy middle-class American male college students. 10 “Guards” 10 “Guards” 10 “Prisoners” 10 “Prisoners”
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808)
3. Ignore our own contributions to the situation. Ignore our own focus on self interests. Ignore our own focus on self interests. Focus on placing blame. Focus on placing blame. Let our own emotions and previous experience get in the way. Let our own emotions and previous experience get in the way. Ignore our own focus on self interests. Ignore our own focus on self interests. Focus on placing blame. Focus on placing blame. Let our own emotions and previous experience get in the way. Let our own emotions and previous experience get in the way.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) For Sale 1990 Jeep Cherokee
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) What is the fair price of this car? Very reliable Very reliable 80,000 Miles- mostly highway 80,000 Miles- mostly highway 4 Liter six-cylinder engine- runs great 4 Liter six-cylinder engine- runs great One owner One owner Body has some minor dings Body has some minor dings New tires and brakes New tires and brakes Bluebook value: $3500- $8500 Bluebook value: $3500- $8500 Very reliable Very reliable 80,000 Miles- mostly highway 80,000 Miles- mostly highway 4 Liter six-cylinder engine- runs great 4 Liter six-cylinder engine- runs great One owner One owner Body has some minor dings Body has some minor dings New tires and brakes New tires and brakes Bluebook value: $3500- $8500 Bluebook value: $3500- $8500
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Aggravate hostility. Use hostile language. Use hostile language. Don’t listen. Don’t listen. Try to get only our point across. Try to get only our point across. Seek to win and prove the other person wrong. Seek to win and prove the other person wrong. Ignore/discount emotions- theirs and ours. Ignore/discount emotions- theirs and ours. Try to activate the fight or flight response system. Try to activate the fight or flight response system. Use hostile language. Use hostile language. Don’t listen. Don’t listen. Try to get only our point across. Try to get only our point across. Seek to win and prove the other person wrong. Seek to win and prove the other person wrong. Ignore/discount emotions- theirs and ours. Ignore/discount emotions- theirs and ours. Try to activate the fight or flight response system. Try to activate the fight or flight response system.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) ActivityActivity Lean over to the person next to you and put your face within two inches or less of theirs and keep it there for 10 seconds. Lean over to the person next to you and put your face within two inches or less of theirs and keep it there for 10 seconds. How did that feel? How did that feel? What was their reaction? What was their reaction? How did you react? Comfortable? How did you react? Comfortable? Lean over to the person next to you and put your face within two inches or less of theirs and keep it there for 10 seconds. Lean over to the person next to you and put your face within two inches or less of theirs and keep it there for 10 seconds. How did that feel? How did that feel? What was their reaction? What was their reaction? How did you react? Comfortable? How did you react? Comfortable?
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Fight/Flight System Threats are perceived by the brain and acted upon. Threats are perceived by the brain and acted upon. –Threats can be to social standing, emotional well being, status, or values, or physical injury. A chain of physiological events is begun. A chain of physiological events is begun. Threats are perceived by the brain and acted upon. Threats are perceived by the brain and acted upon. –Threats can be to social standing, emotional well being, status, or values, or physical injury. A chain of physiological events is begun. A chain of physiological events is begun.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Assume you know the other person’s intentions. Presume bad faith. Presume bad faith. Believe they have the same information. Believe they have the same information. Expect them to act and behave as we would. Expect them to act and behave as we would. The fundamental attribution error. The fundamental attribution error. Presume bad faith. Presume bad faith. Believe they have the same information. Believe they have the same information. Expect them to act and behave as we would. Expect them to act and behave as we would. The fundamental attribution error. The fundamental attribution error.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Ignore the other person’s needs. Discount beliefs, emotions, and fears. Discount beliefs, emotions, and fears. Ignore the information they have. Ignore the information they have. Use non-verbal behavior to show you’re not listening. Use non-verbal behavior to show you’re not listening. Discount beliefs, emotions, and fears. Discount beliefs, emotions, and fears. Ignore the information they have. Ignore the information they have. Use non-verbal behavior to show you’re not listening. Use non-verbal behavior to show you’re not listening.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Ignore the other person’s needs.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Guidelines to handling difficult interactions more effectively 1. Understand that there is more going on than what’s on the surface. 1. Understand that there is more going on than what’s on the surface. 2. Stop arguing and start learning. 2. Stop arguing and start learning. 3. Recognize feelings as an aspect of interactions. 3. Recognize feelings as an aspect of interactions. 4. Know that being right doesn’t always get the desired outcome. 4. Know that being right doesn’t always get the desired outcome. 5. Accept your contribution to the problem. 5. Accept your contribution to the problem. 6. Take into account the factors impacting the conversation. 6. Take into account the factors impacting the conversation. 7. Avoid inflammatory words, behavior and actions. 7. Avoid inflammatory words, behavior and actions. 1. Understand that there is more going on than what’s on the surface. 1. Understand that there is more going on than what’s on the surface. 2. Stop arguing and start learning. 2. Stop arguing and start learning. 3. Recognize feelings as an aspect of interactions. 3. Recognize feelings as an aspect of interactions. 4. Know that being right doesn’t always get the desired outcome. 4. Know that being right doesn’t always get the desired outcome. 5. Accept your contribution to the problem. 5. Accept your contribution to the problem. 6. Take into account the factors impacting the conversation. 6. Take into account the factors impacting the conversation. 7. Avoid inflammatory words, behavior and actions. 7. Avoid inflammatory words, behavior and actions.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Difficult Conversations Checklist 1. Plan the interaction. 1. Plan the interaction. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 8. Closure 8. Closure 1. Plan the interaction. 1. Plan the interaction. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 8. Closure 8. Closure
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Plan the conversation Decide what needs to be accomplished in the conversation? Do you need to change behavior, correct a problem, preserve a relationship, build trust, show respect, deliver information, gather information? Do you need to change behavior, correct a problem, preserve a relationship, build trust, show respect, deliver information, gather information? Decide what needs to be accomplished in the conversation? Do you need to change behavior, correct a problem, preserve a relationship, build trust, show respect, deliver information, gather information? Do you need to change behavior, correct a problem, preserve a relationship, build trust, show respect, deliver information, gather information?
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Prepare by looking at what’s going on. From your perspective, what is the situation? From your perspective, what is the situation? What is influencing your perception? What is influencing your perception? What may have you contributed? What may have you contributed? What may have the other person contributed? What may have the other person contributed? What are your emotions: Why are you feeling this way? What are your emotions: Why are you feeling this way? What is their perspective? What is their perspective? What questions can you ask to learn more? What questions can you ask to learn more? What words will you use to start and set the tone? What words will you use to start and set the tone? What is an external standard you both can agree to? What is an external standard you both can agree to? Gather necessary information. Gather necessary information. From your perspective, what is the situation? From your perspective, what is the situation? What is influencing your perception? What is influencing your perception? What may have you contributed? What may have you contributed? What may have the other person contributed? What may have the other person contributed? What are your emotions: Why are you feeling this way? What are your emotions: Why are you feeling this way? What is their perspective? What is their perspective? What questions can you ask to learn more? What questions can you ask to learn more? What words will you use to start and set the tone? What words will you use to start and set the tone? What is an external standard you both can agree to? What is an external standard you both can agree to? Gather necessary information. Gather necessary information.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Begin the conversation Choose an appropriate time and place. Choose an appropriate time and place. –Privacy is usually important. Discuss what gave rise to the meeting- be neutral and nonjudgmental. Discuss what gave rise to the meeting- be neutral and nonjudgmental. –“Steve, I’d like to talk with you about the progress of the project.” Choose an appropriate time and place. Choose an appropriate time and place. –Privacy is usually important. Discuss what gave rise to the meeting- be neutral and nonjudgmental. Discuss what gave rise to the meeting- be neutral and nonjudgmental. –“Steve, I’d like to talk with you about the progress of the project.”
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) State the situation/topic. Assume there is a “Third Story” perspective. Assume there is a “Third Story” perspective. –i.e. How would an outside neutral observer describe the situation? –“Steve, based on the original plan, your team’s project appears to be five days behind schedule. I’d like to learn more about what is going on. “ Assume there is a “Third Story” perspective. Assume there is a “Third Story” perspective. –i.e. How would an outside neutral observer describe the situation? –“Steve, based on the original plan, your team’s project appears to be five days behind schedule. I’d like to learn more about what is going on. “
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Explore, listen and learn Invite them to sort out the situation by working together to explore what happened. Invite them to sort out the situation by working together to explore what happened. Listen. Listen. Reframe and paraphrase to check understanding. Reframe and paraphrase to check understanding. Be aware of their unspoken emotions and agenda. Be aware of their unspoken emotions and agenda. Share your perspective and ask them to hear how you saw things. Share your perspective and ask them to hear how you saw things. Share your contributions to the situation. Share your contributions to the situation. Invite them to sort out the situation by working together to explore what happened. Invite them to sort out the situation by working together to explore what happened. Listen. Listen. Reframe and paraphrase to check understanding. Reframe and paraphrase to check understanding. Be aware of their unspoken emotions and agenda. Be aware of their unspoken emotions and agenda. Share your perspective and ask them to hear how you saw things. Share your perspective and ask them to hear how you saw things. Share your contributions to the situation. Share your contributions to the situation.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation: Third story perspective.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Agree on an external standard for the behavior/action/situation Is there an industry safety code, professional code, state law, federal regulation, precedent, industry standards, efficiency, costs, safety, reciprocity, moral standards, previously agreed upon plan, etc. Is there an industry safety code, professional code, state law, federal regulation, precedent, industry standards, efficiency, costs, safety, reciprocity, moral standards, previously agreed upon plan, etc.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Explore Alternatives: Problem solve together Listen. Listen. Explore outcomes and changes that need to be made. Explore outcomes and changes that need to be made. Be open to their ideas and ways of solving the issue. Be open to their ideas and ways of solving the issue. Invent and look for options. Invent and look for options. Listen. Listen. Explore outcomes and changes that need to be made. Explore outcomes and changes that need to be made. Be open to their ideas and ways of solving the issue. Be open to their ideas and ways of solving the issue. Invent and look for options. Invent and look for options.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Closure Do you need to write it down? Do you need to write it down? Clarify what has changed or is different. Clarify what has changed or is different. Specify what each will do and by when. Specify what each will do and by when. –Be clear and specific. Do you need to write it down? Do you need to write it down? Clarify what has changed or is different. Clarify what has changed or is different. Specify what each will do and by when. Specify what each will do and by when. –Be clear and specific.
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Real Life Scenarios 1. Plan the interaction. 1. Plan the interaction. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 8. Closure 8. Closure 1. Plan the interaction. 1. Plan the interaction. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 2. Begin the conversation non-judgmentally. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 3. State the situation from your perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 4. Listen and learn for their perspective. 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 5. Come to a mutual understanding of the present situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 6. Agree on an external standard for the situation 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 7. Explore alternatives: Problem solve together. 8. Closure 8. Closure
© Dr. Don Kopf, 2004 DrKopf.com (808) Other Useful Resources Members of the Federal Managers Association Members of the Federal Managers Association Difficult Conversations: How to talk about what matters. Stone, Patton, Heen. Penguin Books Difficult Conversations: How to talk about what matters. Stone, Patton, Heen. Penguin Books Getting to Yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Fisher & Ury Getting to Yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Fisher & Ury Members of the Federal Managers Association Members of the Federal Managers Association Difficult Conversations: How to talk about what matters. Stone, Patton, Heen. Penguin Books Difficult Conversations: How to talk about what matters. Stone, Patton, Heen. Penguin Books Getting to Yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Fisher & Ury Getting to Yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. Fisher & Ury