What do you do when your child is being bullied (or is a bully)? A Parent’s Guide to Bullying By Katrina Freine

Bullying Statistics 16% of US school children reported being bullied in the current term 10% of students said they had been bullied but had not bullied others 6% said they had been bullied and had bullied others 13% bullied others but hadn’t been bullied themselves Source: National Institutes of Health (April 24, 2001)

Playground Statistics – Every 7 Minutes a Child is Bullied

What does bullying look like? Physical bullying—harmful actions such as kicking, pushing, tripping. Verbal bullying—speaking to or about a person in an unkind way such as teasing, gossip, spreading rumors. Relational bullying—alienating or rejecting a person to ruin friendships

How can I tell it’s bullying and not just a normal conflict? There is intentional harmful behavior directed toward another person. The bully has more power than the victim and uses his/her power to dominate or harass the victim. The behavior is unjustified and is usually repeated. The victim feels terror of further bullying acts.

Males v. Females Males tend to bully in a physically aggressive manner. Males tend to define themselves in terms of athletic prowess or physical ability. Females tend to use manipulative techniques to harm their victim’s reputation or relationships with others. Females evaluate themselves in terms of their relationships with others.

Socialization of Girls Girls are socialized to not be angry and aggressive. Girls are taught to not tell one another the “ugly” truth. Girls are socialized to be caretakers, valued for their relationships with others. Strife in friendship=failure.

Relational Aggression Behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others (Crick and Grotpeter, 1995). Relational aggression is not a rite of passage. Relational aggression is not a “normal” phase of growing up.

Examples of Relational Aggression Exclusion Malicious gossip Rumor spreading Teasing Name-calling Alliance-building Covert physical aggression Cyberbullying

Impact of Relational Aggression Higher incidences among victims of: early parenthood school drop-out substance abuse criminal behavior school delinquency depression

What can be done? Adopt a zero-tolerance policy against bullying—including alternative aggression. Educate teachers and administration so that bullying is no longer regarded as typical adolescent behavior. Interrupt the cycle of peer support for bullying. Reward inclusive, prosocial behavior. Teach empathy and intervention strategies.

Getting Real with Girls Talk about girls’ fears of conflict (losing relationships, hurting feelings, etc.) Talk about what happens when girls hold feelings inside or hide them. Be honest about your own aggression. Commit to confronting conflict head-on. Comfort each other.

Girl Victims’ Advice Get help—find someone who will support you. Shed unhealthy relationships. Talk or write about your feelings. Get involved in an activity you enjoy. Take comfort in knowing that this is temporary.

How Can Parents Help? Be aware of changes in your child’s attitude, behavior, and appearance. Ask your child how children treat one another at school? Be willing to listen and comfort your child. Use role play to practice handling conflicts assertively. Model assertive techniques for handling conflict in your own life.

Sample Conversation “How was school today?” “Fine.” “You appear to be upset. Did something happen at school?” “One of my friends started a rumor about me and now no one is speaking to me.” “That’s terrible! You have a right to be angry. What did you do?” “I didn’t do anything. I was too embarrassed.” “Why don’t we work together to find a solution to this problem. We can practice what you will say to the person who did this to you.”

DON’TS DON’T tell your child to just ignore it. DON’T tell your child to “get over it.” DON’T tell your child to fight the bully. DON’T confront the bully’s parents. DON’T cause a scene.

What to do if your child is the bully. Quickly administer discipline not punishment. Shows the child what he/she has done. Gives your child ownership of the problem. Gives your child a process for solving the problem he/she created. Leaves his/her dignity intact.

Developing an Empowered and Compassionate Child Give six critical life messages daily. I believe in you. I trust you. I know you can handle life situations. You are listened to. You are cared for. You are very important to me.

Developing an Empowered and Compassionate Child Respect and accept your child’s feelings. Model and teach ways to resolve conflicts assertively and peacefully. Help your child develop self-discipline. Be consistent in setting rules. Do not use threats, bribes, or punishment to enforce rules. Hold your child accountable for what he/she does and for fixing his/her own problems.

Developing an Empowered and Compassionate Child Teach your child to treat everyone with respect and dignity. Give your child lots of smiles, hugs, and humor. Love your child unconditionally. Teach your child to listen to his/her conscience and speak out when they see an injustice committed. Be willing to seek help if needed.

References Coloroso, B. (2004). The bully, the bullied, and the bystander: From preschool to high school—how parents and teachers can help break the cycle of violence. Collins. Simmons, R. (2003). Odd girl out. Harvest Books. Taylor, J. V. (2005). Salvaging sisterhood. Youthlight, Inc. The Ophelia Project. (2006). Broken hearts…and the harsh reality of relational aggression. Retrieved August 29, 2007, from http://www.opheliaproject.org/main/relational.