Blended Families Best Practices

Did you ever stop to realize that most of the families of the Old Testament were blended families – albeit blended families of a different color (i.e., they resulted from multiple marriages instead of death or divorce)? Blended families were very common in biblical times and are even more so now. Blended families are very common, but being a smart blended family is not.

40% of married couples with children (i.e., families) in the US are step couples (at least one partner had a child from a previous relationship before marriage; this includes full and part-time residential stepfamilies and those with children under and/or over the age of 18). The percentage of all married couple households is 35%. (Karney, Garvan, & Thomas, 2003)

Approximately one-third of all weddings in America today form stepfamilies (demographic estimate, Deal). In 2001, 38% of all US marriages were remarriages for one or both partners (15% for both; 23% for one) (Wendy Manning, personal communication Jan 2010, National Center for Family and Marriage Research).

42% of adults have a step relationship-- either a stepparent, a step or half sibling, or a stepchild. This translates to 95.5 million adults. 13% of adults are stepparents (29-30 million); 15% of men are stepdads (16.5 million) and 12% of women are stepmoms (14 million).

DEFINED “1. A family that is formed when separate families are united by marriage or other circumstance; a stepfamily. 2. Various kinship or nonkinship groups whose members reside together and assume traditional family roles” (Barker, 2003, p. 46).

“…has a role structure in which at least one parent has been previously married and which includes children from one or both of these marriages” (Johnson, 2000, p. 119).

What makes a successful blended family? Trying to make a blended family a replica of your first family, or the ideal nuclear family, can often set family members up for confusion, frustration, and disappointment. Instead, embrace the differences and consider the basic elements that make a successful blended family: Authors: Gina Kemp, M.A., Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Lawrence Robinson

Solid marriage: Being civil: All relationships are respectful: Compassion for everyone’s development: Room for growth: Early in the formation of a blended family, you as a step-parent may want to focus on developing positive relationships with your stepchildren. You will increase the chances of success by thinking about what the children need. Age, gender, and personality are not irrelevant, but all children have some basic needs and wants that should be met as a precursor to a great relationship.

Solid marriage Without the marriage, there is no family. It's harder to take care of the marriage in a blended family because you don't have couple time like most first marriages do. You'll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.

Being civil: If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt, or completely withdrawing from each other, you're on track.

All relationships are respectful: This is not just referring to the kids' behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but based on the fact that you are all family members now…

Compassion for everyone’s development: Members of your blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs (teens versus toddlers, for example). They may also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to understand and honor those differences..

Room for growth: After a few years of being blended, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another.

Young children under 10 May adjust more easily because they thrive on cohesive family relationships. Are more accepting of a new adult. Feel competitive for their parent’s attention. Have more daily needs to be met.

Adolescents aged May have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily. Need more time to bond before accepting a new person as a disciplinarian. May not demonstrate their feelings openly, but may be as sensitive, or more sensitive, than young children when it comes to needing love, support, discipline and attention.

Teenagers 15 or older May have less involvement in stepfamily life. Prefer to separate from the family as they form they own identities. Also may not be open in their expression of affection or sensitivity, but still want to feel important, loved and secure.

Gender Differences – general tendencies: Both boys and girls in stepfamilies tend to prefer verbal affection, such as praises or compliments, rather than physical closeness, like hugs and kisses. Girls tend to be uncomfortable with physical displays of affection from their stepfather. Boys seem to accept a stepfather more quickly than girls

Too many changes at once can unsettle children. Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another.

Don't expect to fall in love with your partner’s children overnight. Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop. Find ways to experience “real life” together. Taking both sets of kids to a theme park every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn’t reflective of everyday life. Try to get the kids used to your partner and his or her children in daily life situations.

Make parenting changes before you marry. Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you remarry. It’ll make for a smoother transition and your kids won’t become angry at your new spouse for initiating changes.

Don’t allow ultimatums. Your kids or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life..

Insist on respect. You can’t insist people like each other but you can insist that they treat one another with respect. Limit your expectations. You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner’s kids that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest..

It is common for each spouse to put his or her own children's interests first. It is often in an effort to compensate for the trauma children experience when there is a divorce. But when the children's interests are first, the interests of the other spouse and the other spouse's children are found somewhere down the list, and that's a formula for marital disaster.

Policy of Joint Agreement (Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). In effect, whenever you follow this policy, you put your spouse's interests first, where they should be.

Following this policy means that neither you nor your husband act to reprimand or discipline any child until you have reached an enthusiastic agreement about it. (At first, you may not agree about much of anything)

But as you practice applying the policy, you and your husband will begin to establish guidelines in child-rearing issues, and agreements will start to form.

Here are a few guidelines that will help you negotiate an enthusiastic agreement: Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe: a) try to be pleasant and cheerful through your discussion of the issue, b) put safety first--do not threaten to cause pain or suffering when you negotiate, even if your spouse makes threatening remarks or if the negotiations fail, c) if you reach an impasse, stop for a while and come back to the issue later.

1. Identify the problem from the perspectives of both you and your husband. Be able to state the other spouse's position before you go on to find a solution. 2. Brainstorm solutions with abandon. Spend some time thinking of all sorts of ways to handle the problem, and don't correct each other when you hear of a plan that you don't like. You'll have a chance to do that later.

3. Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you. And if your brainstorming has not given you an answer that you can enthusiastically agree upon, go back to brainstorming.