Last Week’s Review  Hatfield’s & McCoy’s  Geneva Convention/Treaties & War… what do they teach us?

James 1: My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s eyes.

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.

I. Maturity & Conflict Resolution Spiritual Maturity Developmental Maturity Emotional Maturity Conflict Resolution Skills

Because of this, what I say, and what you hear, may not be the same. So if you listen carefully, not only with your ears, but with your eyes and your heart, maybe somehow we can communicate.

I speak because I know my needs, I speak with hesitation because I know not yours. My words come from my life’s experiences. Your understanding comes from yours.

Studies Show: Successful & healthy marriages grow together, sharing feelings, ideas & goals; the reverse happens in unhealthy marriages- where spouses avoid conversations for fear of confrontation

U of M Study Good Communication = High Marital Satisfaction (easy-going, pleasant conversations about everyday events; wives interpret this as “affection”… husbands interpret empathic listening as affection)

II. Popular Foul Plays  Land Mine  Crossfire  The Attic  Multiple Listing  Overload  Break Off  Sarcasm (do any of these resolve conflict?)

Prior to Working it Out…  Contain Anger & Play by the Rules  These are Necessary Precursors to Working it Out..

A Relationship Barometer... Your Ability to Control Your Anger and Your Willingness to Play by the Rules Reflects How Much You Value the Relationship

 Set time aside to work it out  “I’d like to talk about X… ok?”  Focus on one problem  Don’t blame  Reserve… use the brakes III. A Format for Working it Out: the Speaker-Listener Technique

 Give each the chance to be heard- the floor  Relate first- Resolve second  Explanations/Apology comes after you have demonstrated appreciation for the other’s feelings

IV. Another Format: Quarter-talk

V. Another Format: The Dialogue  Mirroring  Checking  Inviting  Summarizing  Validating  Empathizing

VI. A 3-Step Process to Forgiveness & Restoration: ¶ First, (individually) reflect & pray about areas in which you may harbor resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness in your relationship- Write them down- what are they? How long have you had them? Do you bring them up? Are you willing to push yourself to forgive?

· Then, reflect & pray about areas in which you have really hurt your partner. Have you taken responsibility? Have you apologized? Have you taken steps to change recurrent patterns? Are you holding grudges? Are you standing in the way of reconciliation?

¸ Together, plan to sit down 2 times a week to and work thru some of these models for conflict resolution. Begin with less significant issues. Pray together- listen to hear and understand above all- ask forgiveness from each other- let it go… value your relationship above all

Series Summary:  Control Anger- Grow Up  Value the Relationship  Play by the Rules  Seek to Understand  Own Your Part

Reoccurring Themes Mean Something  Not being heard or understood  Needs not being met  Family of origin issues  Past hurts unhealed  Avoiding myself (projection)  Trying to control

Use Communication Errors as Clues… on how to fight fair... 4Don’t “mind read” 4Stick to one topic- don’t get sidetracked on differing details 4Leave past resentments in past

4Make “I” statements- not “You” 4Never say “never”… or “always” 4Don’t interrupt your partner 4Paraphrase what you have heard 4Don’t label or name call