Bringing Out the Best in Each Child Quality Parenting and Mutual Respect

Why Is This Different?  Managing or Modifying Behavior versus Encouraging Growth  Advice for Situations versus Principles of Applications for Life  In addition:  Learn more about your child’s personality  Learn more about yourself and how to become more “balanced”

A Unique Insight  Children have an innate drive to express their best selves—to develop their highest potential.  A CORE part of ever child wants to grow and bring out the best.  Children depend on us to help them.  Attitudes makes the difference between a family that works and one that doesn’t. What are attitudes? Beliefs and feelings that we bring to a situation. They affect our child’s self-esteem. RESPECT (for child and self).  What parents believe about a child strongly influences the child’s picture of himself – WORDS REVEAL ATTITUDES

Where Do We Begin? The lower self Relaxation & Choice Centered Self Love Languages Solving Problems What Are Our Goals As a Parent? -I want to raise children who are: -I want a family that is caring and supportive.

The Lower Self

Our Lower Self  Our desire is to stay centered…  What causes the Lower Self – need a better way to cope (emotional brain)  Recognizing WHAT causes the “out of control” self  STRESS – even from childhood for adults (fight or flight)  HELPLESSNESS  FEAR or PANIC  If we recognize WHEN this happens, we can change our course and improve the outcome.

Examples of A Parent as a Lower Self…

What Should We Recognize About This?  Ask yourself…  What kinds of situations bring out your subpersonality behaviors?  What people? Why?  Are there other unmet needs?  A child’s most difficult behavior is a cry for help  Help me to deal with my stress; help me learn a better way to meet my legitimate need!  Children lack experience as well as maturity.  How do we help?  Often by setting limits – not accepting negative behavior.  Teaching new skills – more effective ways to cope

Relaxation & Choice

So What…Now What?  Only when we are calm and “centered” are we able to see the truth – our children really do want and need us to help them become their best  HOWEVER…only when we are calm and “centered” do we have the ability to help.  What happens to your body when you experience STRESS… HELPLESSNESS… FEAR OR PANIC?  What reduces these feelings or behaviors?

Relaxation & Breathing (settling the body)  Total time… 84 seconds or less  Close your eyes…  Inhale a deep breath…  Hold just briefly…  Exhale slowly…  Repeat 3 times  If you have another method that can calm you and can be done daily or in addition to this… please use it as well.

Our Choice…  Recognizing that we have a choice how we act  Recognizing the triggers that cause us to fall into the Subpersonality  Recognize that we can choose how we act, feel and think.  No one – not our child’s behaviors, the situation at hand – nothing can make us respond, feel or act in a given way… it is a choice.  We must be recognize and be responsible for – acting on – our responses.  Teaching Breathing and Recognition of Choice to Children  It’s not about Perfection… we all will make mistakes

The Centered Self

Have You Ever Heard or Said This?  If you don’t hurry up, I’m leaving without you.  Don’t act like you’re helpless.  You’re so bossy with your friends – no wonder they don’t want to play with you at recess.  Why can’t you get better grades, like your brother?  Even if we intend to be helpful, approaching children that way leaves them feeling inadequate or resentful…

What Do We Do?  We need to set limits to help children be responsible – NO question.  It’s the underlying attitude that makes all the difference.  It’s the thought that I will TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT even as I tell you I’m unhappy with what you’re doing.  Every one of us – children and adults – wants to feel loved and valued  The whole concept of remaining in a “centered” state is maintaining an attitude of equality.  The attitude reflects the understanding that, “We treat each other with equal respect.” Our age and experience are NOT equal, but we can see each other as equally worthy of respect.

How Do I Do This?  First, remember that even above our verbal, our subtle behaviors are even more powerful to children in conveying our attitude.  Children learn how to treat others by watching us.  Characteristics we want to embrace and encourage our children to embrace:  Listener – we respect each other’s knowledge  Humanist – we respect each other’s needs  Observer – we respect each other’s thoughts, feelings and perceptions  Pragmatist – we respect each other’s desire for autonomy  Realist – we respect each other’s expectations and create family agreements

How Do I Do This?  When your child is upset, acknowledge it. Help them calm down, creating an environment for further communication.  Recognize ineffective attitudes and communications  Preventing Problems by Planning Skills (Preparation for situations)  Family Agreements (expectations & help prevent problems)  Natural Consequences (learning essential life lessons)

The Love Languages

What Do I Avoid?  Words of Affirmation – Emotionally Harsh Words (Undue Criticism)  Quality Time – Too much time with friends, Isolation, etc.  Receiving Gifts – Materialism, Forgetting Special Events  Acts of Service – Forgetting Promises, Over-commitment of Tasks, Ignoring  Physical Touch – Physical Abuse, Threats, Neglect

Solving Problems

How Do I Handle Problems as They Arise?  Express Concerns  Show respect for your child, EVEN WHEN your child disappoints or upsets you.  Create an environment that encourages them to take responsibility for their behaviors.  Conscious Listening  When your children struggle with their own problems, acting as a facilitator empowers them to find their own solutions.  When your young child is struggling or frustrated, helping them reason out their problem or situation, asking guiding or leading questions, helps him to understand his thought process and process similar situations on his own in the future.