Review In the past three months we have discussed Hitlamdut, Behira Points and Anavah. I asked that you try to practice these by yourselves, discuss it with your partner and with your family. Hitlamdut is the practice of self-awareness or paying attention to what you do or think. And Behira Points are choice points or decision points in your lives. Anavah is the practice of humility or finding your right place in the world. How well do you think that this went with you and your families? Can I do anything to help you work better with these Middot?

In the spirit of mindfulness I would like to take the next few minutes to let you talk with your partners regarding your progress and then come back to the group and have each of you share a sentence or two regarding how you chose to manifest the middah over the past two months. Regarding time, since I know how we can all go on and on, I am suggesting that each partner take one minute each and when we come back to the group the same applies.

Some hints: ◦ When your family is gathered together, say at dinner, discuss the middot of the month and ask what they have done to practice it. ◦ When you meet with your partner, either on the phone or in person, discuss events or happenings that caused you to think of, or put into practice, the middot. ◦ When your children ask about a problem they are having or talk about a decision that they have to make; bring up the middot and see if it applies to help with a possible solution.

SAVLANUT

 Savlanut is the quality of patience and often means bearing discomfort in order to sustain your connection to others.  Different people see savlanut or patience as different things. For a person who has children waiting for them to make a decision or do a chore, patience can often be a difficult thing for all involved. The same thing can be true in many different situations in life.  But, when a family member is ill or hospitalized patience or savlanut can be totally different in that it is important to be there and be available to share what that person needs to feel better.

In this first example we have a LONG line at an airport security gate: what can you do to help you practice savlanut here? In this second example we see that this older person needs to be helped a bit as he walks. How can you practice savlanut here?

 We cannot talk about Savlanut without talking about anger.  As parents we all have times when our patience is worn thin and when we become impatient, then annoyed, and then angry.  Maimonides said that, “one should not be of an angry disposition and be easily angered, nor should one be like a dead person who does not feel, but, one should be in the middle—one should not get angry except over a big matter about which it is fitting to get angry, so that one will not act similarly again.” What do you think this means?

Which of these situations warrant anger on your part and which call for patience/savlanut?

How about these situations?

 When we are fully present in a situation we set aside what we thought was important to us and focus only on what is being shown or presented at that time.  Thus, we can identify with what is happening and approach it from a more honest point of view. In cases where anger is possible, if you think first about what makes you mad; is it likely that the behavior is more of a reflection of fear on your part? Fear for the safety of your child or fear about what others may think? What is really happening within you and how can you deal with the previous situations using savlanut?

 Savlanut does not mean being shut down and not feeling anything. Nor, does it mean that we need to accept anything anyone does without comment.  Savlanut calls on us to respond to annoyances and insults in a way that maintains our relationship with the person who initiates them.  Understanding that we need to stay connected to our children and family despite our strong emotions and finding a way to keep that connection.

Can you think of any examples regarding Savlanut or a lack of it? How about: ◦ Your child comes home from school and goes straight to her/his room. When you knock on the door and open it they are playing a game on their computer or cell phone and refuse to look up. When questioned he/she gives one word answers when asked their day. ◦ Your child comes home from school excited and wants to talk about something and you are engaged in doing something very important and cannot stop. After a while the child goes away and when asked later what is happening he/she brushes you off.

Practicing Savlanut It is best to have a focus phrase so you can focus on what is happening and deal with it in the best manner. We can tell ourselves to be patient…but does this work? One focus phrase that I like is: “The greatest power is often simple patience.” What are some that you might use or like?

Review for Students Do you remember when we talked about Anavah? What can you tell me about it? Do you think that you practiced it at all during the past few weeks? Do you remember any situations that you needed to listen to others and not butt in until they were finished? Did you help anyone by using Anavah?

Savlanut This month we are going to discuss Savlanut. Savlanut is another way of saying patience. The idea is to learn how to know when to be patient and let someone else speak or show you something, or just learn how to wait for something or someone. Sometimes our friends and family get on our nerves and maybe make us mad. What are some of these things? How do you handle these situations?

Maybe your mom or dad don’t pay attention to you when you need them to since they are busy. Or, maybe you have to wait in a line for a long time. Maybe when you want something right away you have to wait before you can get it. Do you have any examples of times when you have to use patience? How about examples when it was hard to be patient.

Okay, so you are stuck in this long line…what can you do to help yourself be patient?

Suppose that you are waiting for your friend at school and they are soooo late…what are you going to do?

So, what is happening here? How about here?

What about getting MAD??? Well, part of savlanut is dealing with anger, especially when you are frustrated because you did not get what you wanted or had to wait for someone too long. Does getting angry make the situation any better? Or, does it make it worse? Do you feel better about getting angry when you have had to wait on someone or put up with them doing something that you did not like?

Can you imagine being the other person who is late and when you finally get there your friend is mad at you? How would you feel? So, for example, when you have to wait for something good to happen, say your birthday, and it seems to take too long can you get mad at your birthday? How about getting mad at time? Does this help? Maybe getting mad at another person because they made you wait is the same…what do you think?

 During this next month see what you can do to practice Savlanut. Learn how to practice some patience.  What can you do to help you practice patience? Any ideas?  You could talk with your friend who is always late and tell them how it makes you feel…would this help.  Or, you could talk to a family member who makes you mad and impatient and tell them how it makes you feel. Maybe they would help you deal with it better.

So for this month remember that you are going to work on Savlanut. Pay attention to how you feel when you get irritated about something or someone and see if you can come up with some way to deal with it. What are some of your suggestions? Mine are to: ◦ Count to ten. ◦ Find something else to do to take your mind off it. ◦ Ask yourself if you ever do this to anyone and why?