Bell Quiz 1.List two constructive communication techniques List two destructive communication techniques Write an example of an “I Message” on your bell quiz.

Abdicate Use it in a sentence… V: Give up, such as power, as of monarchs and emperors, or duties and obligations

Competencies ARFL 4.3 Develop positive assertion skills to be used in conflict resolution. ARFL Identify positive and negative methods of conflict resolution ARFL Compare assertive, aggressive and passive behavior

Win-Lose: The Totem Pole Using other people for your selfish purposes Trying to get ahead at the expense of others Spreading rumors about someone else Insist on getting your way Jealous and envious when something good happens to a friend

Lose-Win: The Doormat Easy to get stepped on and give in A peacemaker Sets low expectations Comprises standards easily

Lose-Lose: The Downward Spiral If you go down, you bring everyone else with you Usually occurs when 2 Win-Lose people get together Obsessed with another in a negative way Codependent behavior

Win-Win = The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Believe that everyone can win Tough to do, but nice to do as well You want others to succeed as much as yourself

How to Think Win-Win Win the Private Victory First Avoid the Tumor Twins  Competing – unhealthy when you compete against yourself and ties into your self-worth  Comparing – unhealthy when you compare yourself to others

Three Responses to Conflict 2. Flight / Avoidance3. Shutting Down / Diffusion1. Fight / Confrontation

Hug O’War by Shel Silverstein I will not play at tug o' war I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses And everyone grins And everyone cuddles And everyone wins.

The Decision Making Process

The Steps in The Decision Making Process IBEEDE(Acronym)

Identify the Problem The First step in the Decision Making Process

Brainstorm Possible Solutions The Second Step in the Decision Making Process

Explore and Evaluate The Third Step in the Decision Making Process

Make a Decision, Plan, Act on Decision The Fourth Step in the Decision Making Process

The Fifth Step in the Decision Making Process Evaluate the results of the decision and accept responsibilities.

Identify the Problem Brainstorm Possible Solutions Explore and Evaluate Make a Decision, Plan, Act on Decision Evaluate the results of the decision and accept responsibilities. The Steps in the Decision Making Process

Conflict in Relationships The key is how conflict is managed. Can be healthy for a relationship o Express frustrations o May resolve problems

Conflict in Relationships Common and always present Successful and failed marriages have similar levels of disagreement over same topics.

Goals of conflict? Win? Show you are right? Show intelligence? Control? Should be on maintaining intimacy and to reach a compromise.

Common areas of conflict Financial Issues o How to spend money? o Who should manage money? Housework o Dual-earner households o Who does the family work? Sexual Issues o Frequency o Tension over initiation of sexual activity Children o How to discipline? o Which values? Religion? In-Laws o When visit? o How much influence on family?

Volatile Couples Enthusiastic discussion Attempt to persuade Warm and loving. Make up in end.

Avoidant Style Avoid and minimize conflict Do not attempt to persuade nor compromise “Agree to Disagree” Fall back on commitment - focus on positives.

Validating Style Listen respectfully Both have chance to air their opinion and perspective Attempt to seek a compromise, without coercion

Hostile Style Insult each other Neither person listens Arguments end in hurt feelings and resentfulness Damaging and predicts divorce.

Four Horseman 1.Criticism 2.Defensiveness 3.Contempt 4.Stonewalling

Destructive Conflict May be overt or covert o Denial – when words and actions do not match o Disqualification – when a person covers- up an expressed emotion o Displacement – when a person takes out anger on someone else o Disengaged – no emotional closeness o Pseudomutuality –false closeness with underlying anger and hostility

Forgiveness Familiarity Breeds Contempt Process & Choice Should you always forgive?

Vocabulary and Concept Review Perspective Win - Win Solutions Assertive Aggressive Passive The five steps in the decision making process.

  Self-acceptance and how we relate to others.  Foundation for effective communication I’m OK, You’re OK (Harris, 1976)

Four Possible Outcomes I’m not OK, You’re OK I’m OK, You’re not OK I’m not OK, You’re not OK I’m OK, You’re OK

  At mercy of others  Looks for acceptance  Very low self-esteem  Placate I’m not OK, You’re OK

  Scorched Earth policy  Withdraw from relationships  Blame, criticize I’m not OK,You’re not OK

  Ultra-independent person  Looks down upon others - Computing  Misplaced low self-esteem  Compensation I’m OK, you’re not OK

  Individual and others are valuable  Appreciate strengths  Free to have meaningful relationships  Leveling and positive communication I’m OK, You’re OK