Talking with your Kids

Objectives You can use encouragement to help build your child’s self-esteem. You can use encouragement to help build your child’s self-esteem. Encouragement can help your child to feel loved, accepted, respected, and valued. Encouragement can help your child to feel loved, accepted, respected, and valued. Praise and encouragement are not the same thing. Praise and encouragement are not the same thing.

Praise is to express approval or admiration of…. A synonym is approve which means to judge favorably or consider agreeable or good.

Encourage is to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence… Synonyms − Hearten − Reassure − support

Differences Praise Praise Focus on external control Focus on external control Focus on external evaluation Focus on external evaluation Rewarded for well done tasks Rewarded for well done tasks Focuses on self evaluation and personal gain Focuses on self evaluation and personal gain Encourage Focus on self control Focus on internal evaluation Recognizes effort and improvement Focuses on assets, contributions, and appreciation

Praise Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Focus is on external control. “I am worthwhile only when I do what you want.” Child learns to measure worth by ability to conform; or, child rebels (views any form of cooperation as giving in).

Praise Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Focus is more on external evaluation. “To be worthwhile I must please you,” “Please or perish.” Child learns to measure worth on how well he/she pleases others. Child learns to fear disapproval.

Praise Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Is rewarding only for well done, completed tasks. “To be worthwhile I must meet your standards.” Child develops unrealistic standards and learns to measure worth by how closely she/he reaches perfection. Child learns to dread failure.

Praise Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Focuses on self- elevation and personal gain. “I’m the best. I must continue to be better than others to be worthwhile.” Child learns to be over competitive, to get ahead at the expense of others. Feels worthwhile only when “on top.”

Encouragement Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Focus is on child’s ability to manage life constructively. “I am trusted to become responsible and independent.” Child learns courage to be imperfect and willingness to try. Child gains self- confidence and comes to feel responsible for own behavior.

Encouragement Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Focus is on internal evaluation. “How I feel about myself and my own efforts is most important.” Child learns to evaluate own progress and to make own decisions.

Encouragement Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Recognizes effort and improvement. “I don’t have to be perfect. My efforts and improvements are important. Child learns to accept efforts of self and others. Child develops desire to stay with tasks (persistence).

Encouragement Underlying Characteristics What Child May Hear or Perceive Possible Results Focuses on assets, contributions, and appreciation. “My contribution counts. I am appreciated.” Child learns to use talents and efforts for good of all, not only for personal gain. Child learns to feel glad for successes of others as well as for own successes.

Points to Remember Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer) Encouragement is helping students believe in themselves and in their abilities. Encouragement is a basic attitude toward yourself and other people. Encouragement is different from praise. Praise goes to those who excel or come in first; encouragement can be given for any positive movement. Encouragement does not have to be earned.

Points to Remember Cont. Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer) Praise places a value judgment on the student. Encouragement focuses on the work and effort, treating the student with acceptance and respect. Encouragement accepts students as they are, not as they could be. Encouragement helps the learner develop the courage to be imperfect.

Points to Remember Cont. Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer) Mistakes are not failures. They can promote learning. The first step in encouragement is to stop making negative comments about students. Identify talents, assets, positive attitudes and goals. Every student has strengths.

Points to Remember Cont. Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer) Factors which discourage include: –Negative expectation –Unreasonably high standards –Competition –Over ambition –Double standards Be an asset finder, not a fault finder

The Language of Encouragement Phrases that demonstrate acceptance: “ You seem to like that activity.” “It’s nice that you enjoy learning.” “I can tell you’re pleased with it.” “Since you’re not satisfied, what do you think you can do so you’ll feel happier with it?” “It looks like you enjoyed that.” “How do you feel about it?”

The Language of Encouragement Phrases that show confidence: “ Knowing you, I’m sure you will do fine.” “You’ll make it.” “I have confidence in your judgment.” “That’s a tough one, but I think you can work it out.” “You’ll figure it out.” “I’ve got the confidence that you can do it”

The Language of Encouragement Phrases that focus on contributions, assets, and appreciation: “ Thanks, that helped a lot.” “It was thoughtful of you to do______, because it makes my job easier.” “I need your help on_______.” To a family group: “I really enjoyed today. Thanks.” “You have the skill in ______. Would you do that for the family?

The Language of Encouragement Phrases that recognize effort and improvement: “ You really worked hard on that!” “Looks like you spent a lot of time thinking that through.” “I see you’re moving along.” “Look at the progress you’ve made:_____.” (Be specific; tell how.) “You’re improving in ______.” (Be specific.) “You may not feel you’ve reached your goal, but look how far you’ve come!”

Encouragement Focus: Message sent to student: Possible results: Student’s ability to mange life constructively I trust you to become responsible and independent. Student learns courage to be imperfect and willingness to try. Student gains self-confidence and comes to feel responsible for own behavior.

Encouragement Focus: Message sent to student: Possible results: Internal evaluation How you feel about yourself and your own effort is most important. Student learns to evaluate own progress and to make own decisions.

Encouragement Focus: Message sent to student: Possible results: Effort and improvement You don’t have to be perfect. Effort and improvement are important. Student learns to accept effort of self and others. Student develops desire to stay with tasks persistence).

Encouragement Focus: Message sent to student: Possible results: Assets, contributions, and appreciation. Your contribution counts. We function better with you. We appreciate what you have done. Student learns to use talents and efforts for good of all, not only for personal gain. Student learns to feel glad for successes of others as well as for own sucesses.

Conclusion You have seen how self-esteem and encouragement are connected. You have seen how self-esteem and encouragement are connected. You have found ways to show acceptence, faith, and appreciation. You have found ways to show acceptence, faith, and appreciation. You have learned the difference between praise and encouragement. You have learned the difference between praise and encouragement. You have seen that too much praise can be discouraging. You have seen that too much praise can be discouraging.

Conclusion Cont. You learned and practiced the language of encouragement. You learned and practiced the language of encouragement. You have considered many ways to show encouragement. You have considered many ways to show encouragement.

Homework Part 1: I want each of you to write a letter of encouragement to each child you have. Write about the progress they have made in the last year, only focus on their strengths and what you like about them. Then give it to them. Part 2: I then want each of you to make some notes of their (initial) reactions to class next week and we will cover them quickly before getting started.

Praise is a reward & Encouragement is a gift