CHAPTER 3 – ENCOURAGING YOUR CHILD AND YOURSELF

WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM? Their own self worth.

SELF ESTEEM child’s armor

SELF ESTEEM capability and being loved.

FEELING CAPABLE & LOVED the right balance. Over achiever – but no love Lots of love – but feels incapable

EARLY YEARS The judges

MIDDLE CHILDHOOD AGES 7-10 major challenge is “social” other adults

TWEENS & TEENAGERS MAJOR FACTORS/SELF ESTEEM APPEARANCE PEERS PARENTS UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

BUILDING CONFIDENCE doing things for themselves

BUILDING CONFIDENCE responsibilities and self esteem.

COMMUNICATION Do you have dinner together as a family? Good time to learn what is going on

COMMUNICATION DINNER CONVERSATION: Low/High game Tell me about something nice you did for someone today?

SIGNS OF LOW/UNHEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM No new things Speaks negatively about themselves

SIGNS OF LOW/UNHEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM (continued) Easily frustrated Gives up frequently Waits for somebody else

SIGNS OF HIGH/HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM Interactive with others Enjoys group activities Problem solvers

SIGNS OF HIGH/HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM (continued) Voice discontent without belittling: rather than “I’m stupid,” –“I don’t understand this”

BUILDING SELF ESTEEM IN YOUR CHILD Ask your children’s views and opinions Give meaningful and realistic feedback Acknowledge positive behavior

BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM IN YOUR CHILD Help with defeats Give them projects

BUILDING POSITIVE, HEALTHY, HIGH SELF-ESTEEM

ENCOURAGEMENT

Encouragement vs. Praise What’s the difference? Praise may create undue pressures Encouragement builds self- confidence

EncouragementPraise Stimulates cooperation and contribution for the good of all Stimulates rivalry and competition Focuses on amount of effort and joyFocuses on quality of performance Little or no evaluation of person or act: Person feels “accepted”. Evaluative and judgment: person feels “Judged”. Fosters self-interest, which does not hurt others Foster selfishness at the expense of others Emphasis on specific contributions – “You have helped in this way.” Emphasis on global evaluation of the person – “You are better than others.” Creates tiersCreates quitters Fosters acceptance of being imperfectFosters fear of failure Fosters self-sufficiency and independenceFosters dependence

Praise or Encouragement? ___ 1. What a good girl to clean up your room. ___ 2. I’m so glad that you enjoy learning. ___ 3. Your story is exciting and uses very colorful language. ___ 4. I’m proud of you for learning your multiplication tables. ___ 5. I’m pleased with your behavior on the field trip. ___ 6. You figured that out all by yourself. Aren’t you pleased?

Encouragement

Encouragement Praise Self-Evaluation Tell me about it How can you learn from this experience? How do you feel about it? Behavior-focus What skills are you learning from this game? Who can tell me the rule? Praise I like what you are doing Good job; good work You look good You were the best Achieving Skills You are such a good girl You got first place! You are better than the rest

EncouragementPraise Empathy I see you are angry I know you were hurt by the booing but you handled it well I see that playing soccer makes you smile Conformity You did it right You followed the rules You’re a good sport I know just how you feel

Encouragement Praise Self-disclosing “I” message I felt proud when you led your teammates over to shake hands with the other team I appreciate your working together as a team I feel happy when you sing I feel encouraged when you and your brother work together Judgmental “I” message I’m proud of you You never make a mistake I know you have worked hard I like your aggressive behavior on the playing field I understand you are upset about your team’s loss

Encouragement Focuses On: – Effort – Improvement – Contribution – Enjoyment – confidence Provides Opportunity for children to feel: – Capable – Courageous – Resilient – Enjoyment in doing this for who they are – They are making contribution to society.

Encourage Your Child Love and accept your child. Notice when your child tries to improve. Appreciate your child. Have faith in your child.

Other Ways To Be Encouraging Act – Smile or wink Teach Respect – Help a neighbor See the Good Side – Look for the positive Encourage yourself

5 Tips Encouragement Encourage the effort or the learning and not the end result: You really showed some great courage when you got up to make that speech. Give genuine encouragement and avoid manipulation: Your tem paper is so neat- I wish you would do all your work that neatly. Use specific statement of encouragement : You have worked really hard to work out the math problems. Be sincere, don’t praise undeserved success. Use encouragement for effort now-don’t connect to work way in the future: You did a great job of study I know you will do well on the test.

Monitor Your Use of Praise to Children Praise to Avoid General, non-specific leads to vulnerability and sense of self-worth dependent on that praise Praise for a fixed-trait, such as intelligence or musical talent, may lead to worry about failure and therefore child avoids taking risks. Appropriate Praise Achievement – what child does. Be specific “good use of color in that picture” not “good job” Process – how the child does it. Examples: for effort, for inventiveness, or for keeping at it. Person – who the child is. Valued for who they are. “I like having you in my group. Your smile is contagious.”

Praise & Encouragement & Love