Healthy Relationships

Do Now: Take out a piece of paper, and write down as many answers to the following question: What makes a good friend/relationship? Facilitator: Give students anywhere from 60-90 seconds to jot down some ideas. After they have some time to do this, students can call out some things they thought about. Ask a student to write down their suggestions on the white/chalkboard.

Purpose Treating people with kindness and respect is the best way to make and keep friends. But, sometimes this is really hard to do… You have seen people be treated badly by someone else and you do not know how to respond. You’re confused about whether you are currently in a good or bad relationship. You do not know who to talk to if you need help. You think that you are stuck. Your friends and loved ones are a big part of our/your life. They are people to talk to, experience things with, be yourself around, etc. As we know, treating people with kindness and respect is the best way to keep friends. But sometimes, it’s hard to know when we (or those around us) are not being treated well by friends or partners. We may also not know how to respond when we feel that we or someone else is being treated poorly. Our talk today is to share with you what makes a healthy relationship and give you some strategies you can use if you (or someone you know) is in an unhealthy relationship.

Agenda Signs of a healthy relationship Way to be a good friend Bullying Abuse On a post-it note, please write down one thing you would like to learn about (relating to the agenda items). Do not put your name on it. Hopefully, we’ll have time to address your question throughout the presentation. Note: This presentation will be covering very basic information about healthy relationships in general. I realize that the topic of relationships is real, personal, and difficult for some of you in this room. We all have had very different experiences that continue to live with us and play out in our interactions with others. That’s normal and a part of being a human. In order to respect everyone’s experiences, we want to make sure that this is a safe space for everyone to think about their own relationships. We will not be asking for people to share stories or interactions from past/current relationships. We will also not be able to get into depth on some of these issues. I encourage you to come visit the clinic or talk with someone who you trust if you want any follow-up from our session today, as you may experience some feelings that may be difficult to process at this moment.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship You can be yourself You are free to spend time apart Your friend/partner hears what you say You can agree to disagree You feel connected, not controlled You are honest with each other You have fun together You use positive language You take your time to get to know one another Before we start, we need to make sure that we are all on the same page in terms of healthy relationships. We can’t stand up for others or seek out help if we have different ideas as to what healthy relationships are. Here‘s what the SBC believes it means to be in a healthy relationship: You can be yourself: Express yourself honestly, enjoy each other’s differences, your friends/partners appreciate you for who you are, and you have their support. Note: In HS, many students are trying to figure out who they are/what they believe in, so this is utterly important (yet super hard to do). You can have other friends, be with your family, do activities/hobbies that you like to do, stay true to your goals/values Your partners listens to what you have to say, looks at and listens to you when you speak You talk about things before they build up; you understand each other’s different perspectives. You can tell them your boundaries (“Don’t tease me,” “I need to spend time with _____ tonight,” “I don’t want to make that decision right now,” etc.). You are honest, even if the truth is disappointing (“I’m sorry,” “I like you, but I don’t know how serious I want to be,” etc.) You can relax, laugh, and enjoy everyday things with them. Words are encouraging, respectful, appreciative, inviting, points out the positive. You don’t rush into things, make someone do something they don’t feel comfortable with. Talk about what you believe and enjoy doing.

Looking at the list of healthy relationship signs, discuss with a partner signs of an UNHEALTHY relationship:. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS You can be yourself You are free to spend time apart Your friend/partner hears what you say You can agree to disagree You feel connected, not controlled You are honest with each other You have fun together You use positive language You take your time to get to know one another UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ? Examples could include: Your friend/partner makes fun of or insults your thoughts, ideas or beliefs. Call you names. Tries to (or successfully) keeps you from spending time with other friends or family. Does not allow you to speak or ignores you when you talk. Always has to win the argument Threatens, scares, or hurts you Forces you to do something you do not want or feel comfortable doing You are afraid to talk about your feelings with your friend/partner If any of these ring true, one may find him/herself in an….

Bullying “Making fun of, putting down, or threatening another person…it’s done on purpose, and it’s often done over and over again” (Quiroz, H.C., 2013). Power & control over others Not a normal part of “growing up” Bullying is another form of abuse; however, it’s usually referred to abuse that is done by a classmate or coworker. It’s all about power – bullies like to hurt others and be in control. It is NOT a part of growing up. Examples: name-calling, embarrassing someone, dirty looks, leaving someone out (of a group or conversation), picking on someone when they are alone, destroying property. For those who are being bullied or abused, they may feel a lot of things. One may feel unsafe, lonely, afraid, or confused as to why they are being treated this way. It may be hard to forget what was said or done to them. One may start to feel that what the bully says to them is right. Some people who have been bullied may turn around to become a bully. These are normal, and none of them are your fault.

Abusive Relationships “When a person hurts you with words, threats, or by controlling you.” (O’Connor, 2010) Abuse also includes physical and sexual contact. This type of behavior is unwarranted and NOT okay. Sometimes, our unhealthy relationships can turn abusive. This is when someone hurts you with their words (in the form of name-calling), threatens to hurt you or those around you, or tries to control your behavior by creating rules or pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do. It can also include physical (like hitting, spitting, kicking, pushing, etc.) and sexual (forcing you to have sex, perform oral sex, unwanted touching, etc.) contact. This type of behavior is unwarranted (undeserved) and not okay. No one deserves or asks to be treated in this way. This is not a healthy relationship. You can make it (and be better off) without this partner/friend.

In your own words… Explain the connection between abuse & bullying to a partner. Why is it important to take a stand when you see it happening? Facilitator: Basically, you want students to understand that there really isn’t much of a difference between abuse and bullying. Bullying is a type of abuse that is unwanted, undeserved, and unacceptable. They are both serious and detrimental to one’s well-being.

How to be a Good Friend Be yourself Have fun together (not just online/text)! Be reliable Appreciate differences Watch your words Say “no” to drama Respect privacy Know when to say “no” It’s okay to not be friends You are enough. No one is perfect. Real friends like others for who they are, even if we are still trying to figure it out and when we make mistakes. Do things you both enjoy. Make time for face-to-face interactions (not just via text, Facebook, Snapchat) Show up on time, listen to their problems, do things that you say that you’re going to do, stick up for them Appreciate differences (it’s okay if we like different things – if we were all the same, you wouldn’t discover new things). Watch your words; avoid gossiping, do not spread rumors about others, be nice online & social media. That stuff is being watched more closely and could get you in trouble in the future (i.e. future employers, colleges, etc.) Just say “no” to drama – some people get into arguments, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Don’t get dragged in if you aren’t going to be helpful. Respect privacy – if someone tells you something, keep it to yourself. Would you want your junk spread around to other people? If someone has told you that they plan to hurt themselves/others, you must tell someone! Know when to say “no” – if you are being pressured to do something you don’t want to do, tell them that it makes you uncomfortable. Use “I” statements (“I feel uncomfortable when you tell me that I should smoke with you after school. I would appreciate if you wouldn’t ask me anymore. I don’t smoke.”) Be nice even if you aren’t close! Friendships change, and that’s okay. If you grow apart or feel like it’s best if you aren’t friends, that’s okay. Just still be nice to them.

Addressing Bullying Do not ignore it. Seek out help. Seek out support. Speak up/act when you see it happening Report bullying to: Teachers Counselor Parent Police Seek out support – from a teacher, counselor or other friends. Being a victim is hard, but it’s not your fault. Speak up - Many people are afraid to speak up when they see bullying taking place. This is for many reasons (i.e. don’t want to be bullied themselves, don’t know what to say/do, feel like it isn’t their business, etc.). However, in order for bullying to stop, we’ve got to make it “uncool” to do it. Your teachers and staff here at school are very concerned about this issue, but you/students have the power to address it when it happens. If you can safely speak up when bullying is happening, do it. This is doable if you and your friends outnumber the bully. There is strength in numbers. If you can do anything to take away the bully’s power, do it. This may mean that you jump into the conversation that you see happening between a bully and a victim or lay down on the ground (start a cheer, drop your books, etc.) to divert attention to you (instead of towards the bully). You don’t even have to address the bullying directly – just redistribute the power/attention away from the bully. Report bullying to a teacher, counselor, parent, and/or police. Do not try to get even or pass along gossip that may make the situation worse.

Addressing Abuse Talk to a teacher, counselor, or social worker Additional Resources: Cornerstone: 952-884-0330 Tubman Domestic Abuse: 612-825-0000 Crisis Connection: 612-379-6363 The Bridge for Youth: 612-377-8800 Sexual Violence Center: 612-871-5111 Hennepin Country Child Crisis Team: 612-348-2233 Walk-In Counseling Center: 612-870-0565 Most of these resources offer 24-hour services.

Q&A What are you still curious/have questions about relating to healthy relationships? This is only if you get time…otherwise, you can collect the students’ post-it notes to follow-up with the teacher later on.

Closure Whipshare: In 7 words (or less), share one thing that you will take away from this lesson. Facilitator: Give students

Visit the School-Based Clinic Stop by with questions or more resources We are located in E021 Hours: 8:30AM – 3:00PM Phone Number: 612-668-3040 Find us online: facebook.com/mplssbc @MplsSchlClinics